Hayes Steele

What up?

Hey, everybody. It's me, Jacob Wysocki.

We're back in the mystery zone.

Strap in, stretch out, toke up, crack open a cold one.

We're going for a ride!

Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

That's tight.

- Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

- I'm ready to see how everybody's lied to me

and deceived me.

I feel like there's wisps.

I'm about to explode.

I'm absolutely about to pop if I don't see myself.

One minute!

Okay. - What's it gonna be?

What's it gonna... (chuckles)

Oh!

Look at this piece of shit.

Yeah, baby!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

All I know is that I am absolutely a piece of shit.

Not a good guy. Not a nice man.

Let's see, some accessories. Life of luxury.

I looked at your numbers.

I came back from inside. I looked at your credit.

We can get you a Nissan, we can get you a Kia,

or we can get you a used Subaru from 1994.

Oh, look at these. I got...

I didn't even see these.

Thank you, everybody. God's here today.

God is in you. God is in you.

And certainly, God is in you.

Let's take a moment of silence except for me.

I wanna talk about tithing today.

10%!

I mean, this guy's fucking Mr. Miami.

I'm the king of fucking Miami.

I only get good cocaine.

I got a couple horses.

I don't get on 'em. I race 'em.

I make sure my horses fuck. (laughs creepily)

I'm almost a billionaire. I gotta break a couple more backs.

Yeah, I didn't always have money, so that's how you know

I know how to fucking spend it. (laughs)

You should have seen my teeth before this.

Oh my god.

Guest is there. We're just gonna...

Get out! Get out!

I'm serious!

We all have a story to tell, and sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis back with another edition

of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

- Howdy, little lady. It's me, Hayes Steele.

That "little lady," that's not nice.

And you're witnessing a man

who's about to become a billionaire.

Really?

Literally a few ticks away.

That's a nice watch.

- Sorry I was early. My helicopter was fast.

So that's what was happening out there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you have a hard time parking your car?

We had to clear it out for my chopper.

Well, my car got towed, actually.

Interesting. Sorry to hear that.

Thank you for apologizing.

Maybe I can borrow some of that money to get it out.

Hey!

I don't do handouts.

- Okay. - I didn't get where I am at

by helping everybody along the way.

- Well, Hayes, I'd love to hear a little bit

about how we did get to where we're at.

Tell me a little bit about Hayes.

Hayes is the new me.

- Hayes is the new you. Who was the old you?

Fuck him. He was a piece of shit.

We was a little fucking baby with no heart and no drive.

He was lost. He lived in Orlando, Florida.

Now I live in Boca Raton, baby.

Sort of two hours away.

- Doug Dunkin was a fucking loser, and I'm glad he's gone.

I'm sorry. Your name was Doug Dunkin?

I don't even remember him.

The cash has made me blind to Doug Dunkin.

It seems like you have a couple

of pretty specific specifics about Doug Dunkin.

- What do you mean? - That he lived in Orlando.

- Uh-huh. - And that he was poor.

Doesn't that sound like a fucking loser?

Orlando's a fine city.

It's a suburb for babies.

It's a suburb for people who still need to suckle a teat.

- Well, I understand. Hayes, I guess I want to start at-

You mind calling me Hayes Steele

every time you address me?

You want me to call you Hayes Steele

every time I address you? - I like the way it sounds,

and it was expensive to change.

Okay.

Have you ever changed a name legally?

- My husband changed his last name to Michaelis.

Wow, what a cuck!

I said I didn't wanna change any names

and he said he wanted to feel closer to me.

- It was his idea? - Yep.

- I'm happy for you. - Okay, well, thank you.

Hayes Steele, you were Doug Dunkin.

I used to be.

Tell me about Doug.

- Doug's the complete opposite of who I am now.

He had no confidence. He worked for other people.

Where did he work?

- He worked in all kinds of places. He sold cars.

Ah!

He worked in kitchens.

- Ooh! - Doing dishes.

He was sort of a bottom-of-the-barrel employee.

He worked at an Arby's for a short period of time,

but he got burnt by the fryer.

Where did he get burnt by the fryer?

Okay, so...

- Not where you think. It was just his hands.

Oh, I see. That's exactly what I--

And I'm gonna refer to Doug Dunkin

as a dead man, if that's okay.

- Well, hey, you do what you gotta do and I'll-

Hey, Doug's dead?

- So Doug Dunkin, sort of a working job to job in Orlando.

Not terribly happy with his life, lacking confidence.

He was a fucking scab.

Was a scab?

Not like a union scab.

He was like something that needed to be picked and healed.

How did we end up here?

- Well, Doug Dunkin happened to win a reality TV show

called "The Longest Journey" where he won $1 million

for racing around the world.

Okay, and we actually have a clip

of the moment that you won,

so if we can go ahead and take a peek there.

- God, I haven't watched this footage in years.

Yes, yes!

Yes!

Doug Dunkin has won "The Longest Journey!"

I won and my life's gonna change forever!

Yes! (sobbing)

Yes!

Yes!

I don't have to be me!

- Wow. - Wow.

So let me ask, 'cause the prize

for this show is $1 million. - Yep.

After taxes, things like that,

that obviously wouldn't make you like, rich like the man

I'm seeing before me. - No, I continued to live

a bleak life as Doug Dunkin for several years.

- Sure. - I invested the money.

I'm actually a new sort of almost billionaire.

- Yeah, I can tell. - This is new for me.

I've only been living this lifestyle

for about four and a half months.

So what happened between the show

and this moment right here?

- I scrapped along as a piece of shit human being

knowing that my investment would pay off.

Well, I wouldn't call somebody

that works in a restaurant a piece of shit.

- The people who hold the fabric of society together,

they're just in your way.

They're there to suck up resources.

They're there to get the fun for you but it's my fun,

it's my time, it's my turn.

- I've sort of said similar things to the crew,

and they're like, "That makes you a bad person."

And I said, "I don't think so."

Don't let them tell you that.

That means they think you're weak, all right?

In a world of money, you better be a fucking shark,

you understand me?

Yeah, I understand you.

Drop of blood in the water, you find it.

You feel the electricity in a room

and you fucking put it out unless it's put into you.

Right.

So what happens between four months ago and now

that presents the man that we see today, Hayes Steele?

Well, I don't know.

I think I was about, I don't know,

maybe 22 when I won that show.

- Sure. - And I'm 37 now.

You're 37?