The Big Wedding

There's an old expression that marriage is like

a phone call in the night.

First comes the ring, and then you wake up.

My wife, Ellie, and I were married

for 20 years before we woke up. Or fell asleep.

Or whichever it was that ultimately led to our divorce.

But we never stopped loving each other.

How could we, after three beautiful children?

Jared, Lyla, and our adopted son, Alejandro.

We had built a home, and a history,

and a family together,

and that stuff just doesn't evaporate

with the stroke of a pen and some lawyer's fees.

At least I hope it doesn't.

Hello?

Oh, wow.

Ugh!

Oh.

Yep.

Look at them.

Oh.

Oof.

I mean, you can't be serious.

I mean, it's really that gargantuan of a deal?

It's blasphemy.

Which do you think came first?

The Catholic Church, or cunnilingus?

Oh. Please do not use that language.

What do you mean, I can't say "Catholic Church"?

No. The other thing.

Hercules, be quiet.

What do I use in its place?

You know, when it comes up in conversation.

Well, that is the point.

It's not supposed to come up in conversation.

How about chowing box?

Stop it, Donald.

- Muff diving? Huh? - Stop. You're so bad.

Poon jab?

Poon job?

Well, I just had lunch, but if you insist.

Oh, Donny!

Oh, my...

Cunnilingus.

You are such a slut.

Lucky girl. (GROWLS)

Ohh!

- Sorry. Oh, my... - Oh, jeez!

- Eleanor? - Oh!

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, my God. I don't... Really, I'm so terribly sorry.

He told me that nobody was here.

And I don't know why he did. The key was over...

Anyway, I'm just...

I'm gonna... You know what I'm gonna do?

Oh, my goodness. Ellie?

- Hi, Bebe. - Hi.

You look, um... You look wonderful.

Thanks. But, um...

Gosh, it's been such a long time.

It's great to see you. I hardly...

I hardly recognize you.

I mean, you look so...

- So? - So... So...

- Unexpected. - Unexpected.

- No, that's not... - Hey, there's Donald.

Ellie. You look like a summer day.

Oh, well, that's because you're on the floor.

Hey, what else is new?

Oh, Oh.

Yeah. Thanks.

- Oh... - Oh.

How long's it been?

- Ooh, ten years. - Impossible. Oh!

- Oh, you're not, I'm... - Ooh! Oh, no, that's okay.

- No, that's just... - The little blue helper.

What goes up doesn't always come down.

It's like a blue thing, like that.

I thought you weren't getting in till around 5:00.

6:30.

You didn't tell me that.

Well, that's fine.

I just took a little stroll through the village,

and it's just so amazing how little things have changed.

Oh, God.

Honey, why don't you take her up to the Embroidery Room.

I'm gonna round up some sheets.

At your service, madame.

- Right this way. - Oh, thank you.

The Embroidery Room?

Oh, your old office. I don't go in there.

She's got you on the wagon?

I ain't had a steak or a drink in three years.

I can't sculpt worth a fart,

but they give me a lollipop

every time I leave the cardiologist.

Where are the kids?

Jared's at work and AI's enjoying Pre-Cana with Missy.

Pre-Cana, oh, no.

You mean the Catholic thing with the priest?

Yeah, you know the O'Connors.

Matrimony is God's greatest gift to his children.

To be sanctified, nurtured and protected

against the seeds of dissent,

we're told too often lead to the chasms of discord,

from which too often many of today's unions

are unable to recover.

It all too often leads to divorce, which is a sin

in the eyes of God.

But no pressure.

Melissa, how long have you and this young man been courting?

Just over a year.

But we've known each other since middle school.

Alejandro, is it?

You do speak English, don't you?

No. No, actually, I don't.

Oh, I see.

He just graduated from Harvard.

Him and half of China. (CHUCKLES)

He also speaks five languages,

English being very much one of them.

Really?

So, tell me this, Alejandro.

Have you been successful thus far at being intimate with young Mellissa?

Excuse me, sir?

Father Moinighan's just fine, son.

What I'm asking is,

is Miss O'Connor's virginity still intact?

I see.

And, uh, did we partake of birth control?

- Of course. - Ah, of course.

Birth control.

Relationships between consenting adults

shall remain privately betwixt themselves,

and the Church, of course.

I guess we're going to Hell, then.

In God's good time, my son.

I'm kidding.

So, tell me, young man.

I know your adoptive parents, Don and Ellie,

are other than Catholic.

Yeah. Yeah. My mom is Je-Buddhist.

That's Jewish/Buddhist.

And my father thinks that organized religion is for...

His biological mother is very much a Catholic.

She works for a bishop in Colombia.

- Good for her. - And we're very excited

because we just found out that she's coming to the wedding.

- She is. - Oh, wonderful.

- Oh, God. - Yes?

What?

Sorry. Nothing. It's fine.

I'm assuming that your mother will be very encouraging

of her grandchildren being raised in the Church.

Uh, actually, we decided to wait until they're old enough

and then just let them decide.

Hell it is, then.

Hi. Is Jared in?

- Are you a patient? - Sister.

Oh. Oh. Right.

- Hi, I'm Jane. - Hi.

He's in a delivery, so you can wait over in the Daddy's Room

and I'll let him know that you're here.

Okay.

Hello.

No, I mean she literally pulled it out of the socket.

- I figured I'd be a lot safer here. - Thank Christ.

Are you freaking kidding me?

We're in a hospital.

Right. Sorry.

Just practicing.

I don't even smoke. I quit a month ago.

It's a girl.

Oh, my God. I gotta call you back. Is she...

They're both doing just fine.

Would you like to meet her?

There you are.

Am I dead?

Sorry. Jared'll be in in a sec.

My hero.

He's a sweetie, huh?

Hmm.

I hope this isn't too inappropriate to ask,

but is it true that he's never really had...

It's true.

Oh.

Okay. What kind of a doily

passes out in the Daddy's Room?

- I hope you feel better. - Thank you.

- Doctor. - Thank you.

Thank you. (HUMMING)

She's perky.

Who, Jane? Yeah, she's great.

She's screaming for a shot at the title.

Nice.

What could possibly be wrong with her?

I am so over this whole fresh-faced, Ivy League,

preppie, bouncy, ponytail-y type.