Pretty Maids All in a Row

'Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher.'

How do you pronounce that?

Please, quite, please. Quite.

'If you'll get your homework together'

'I'll circulate them with the grades.'

Dig that figure.

And your report is on?

- John Milton. - Oh.

Ah, Paradise Lost.

Good.

And yours?

Um-hmm.

Good.

- May I please be excused? - Yes.

Who's there?

'Hello?'

You alright?

Mr... Mr. Proffer.

Mr. Proffer! Mr. Proffer!

Mr. Proffer!

Mr. Proffer!

Mr. Proffer!

'Mr. Proffer!'

'Just a moment, young man.'

Mr. Proffer, In our lavatory. She's in our lavatory.

Who?

Jill Fairbun, she's up there in the boy's lavatory.

That is very much against the rule.

It's not that, sir. It's nothing immoral, sir.

- She's dead. - Mr. Proffer.

That's exactly how it started in other schools.

- Ms. Craymire-- - Values completely--

Ms. Craymire, it's alright, she's dead.

On featured 10-20.

'Ocean Front High School, forest in outskirts.'

Roger. I'm on my way.

Haven't seen my first murder

but should everyone be crowding in here?

I don't understand this.

We've always kept our academic averages so high.

Just a minute, you, not so fast.

No, chief. Here. The boys' lavatory.

She was such a terrific little cheerleader.

Mr. Proffer, please, if there's any evidence, sir

it's being trampled.

'Alright, watch it there.'

'Watch it, c'mon, step aside here.'

Let me through there, c'mon. G-get away from that door.

Get back, get back.

And stay there!

Chief Poldaski, don't you think there's too much, uh..

Evidence trampling..

Evidence trampling going on here.

Alright, everybody stop trampling on the evidence.

So, that means everybody. And shut up!

Anyway, it was about uh, ten after 9:00.

I remember English class had just started--

Say, ain't you, uh, ain't you the, uh..

...the uh, football team water boy?

I'm the student manager.

Oh, uh, the water is carried by the, uh..

...assistant student manager, chief.

Yeah, well. Anyway, I went to use that cubicle right there.

Say, how do you think the, uh

team is going to do against Valley High, huh?

Uh, I went into that--

- I went into this cubicle-- - 24 games straight.

Oh, was it 44-45?

- 45, I guess. - Oh, 45.

I started to use this cubicle right here.

And I looked down and I saw a leg.

Oh, I seem to feel much more positive about everything now.

State police. I wonder what's happened.

I want a sperm and molestation check before the body's removed.

Why don't you and the boy go to your office, Mr. Proffer?

I'm sure it'll be more pleasant there.

You don't need the kid at all.

I've got his whole story right here.

And the note that was pinned to her butt.

- You got it? - Yeah, I've got it.

'Oh, here it is. Here.'

Let me understand this.

You found this on the girl's body?

- Yeah. - Huh.

- And you removed it. - Um-hmm.

And then you... folded it carefully.

Otherwise, you might have lost a very valuable piece of evidence.

'You know, I've got some very good ideas about this killing.'

And I'm gonna need all the help I can get from you, chief.

Starting right now.

McDrew. Yes.

Oh, sorry. I was in the middle of a Humm Wadsworth test.

What?

Wait a minute, what happened?

I don't know--

Tiger, did you hear about..

- Yes, I just heard. - What happened?

- No, I don't know. - Do they who Jill..

Look, I'll tell you as soon as I come out.

She was a fine girl and-and

a really terrific little cheer leader.

Gosh, you've come.

Some of the parents are insisting we close the school

and newspapers a-a-are demanding a statement.

This is, uh, Mr. McDrew, our assistant principal.

But I've know him my way as your football coach.

I've seen you many time from across the field, McDrew.

I'm Captain Sam Surcher.

State Police, Investigation Division.

How do you do? Sorry, I wasn't immediately available.

Oh, he explained.

You know, my kids are gonna be really impressed

that I met Tiger McDrew.

How long since Braddock High won a game from you folks?

'Four years at least, right?'

Yes, we've had quite a run of exceptional young men here.

Young women, they're always one of the finest.

- She's such a terrific-- - Little cheerleader.

Damn it, Mr. Proffer don't you think

she'd want to be remembered for something besides

leading a bunch of stupid gals?

Well, uh..

...let's get our time sequence straight now.

When you looked into the booth, uh, you recognized her.

'You turned, then you ran for help.'

Well, actually, I didn't recognize her at first.

Well, I was facing her from sort of an unusual angle.

And I didn't recognize her till after she toppled over.

Well, how did she topple over, son?

Oh, I think I leaned on her.

You leaned on her? How?

When I bent over to read the note.

What're you so..

What're you so nervous about?

Because I... keep wondering maybe I did it on purpose.

'Did what?'

C'mon, kid. Tell us what you did to the body.

I leaned my hand on her bottom, like I said.

You think I'd do anything else to a dead girl?

Haven't even had a live one yet.

- Love life problems, huh? - What love life?

I'm 17 years old, and I haven't touched a girl's breast yet.

Well, maybe you haven't found the right girl.

Now, something bugging you? I mean, like that..

Well, you're not worrying about acne or bad breath or anything?

No, it's nothing like that.

Nothing physical then. That's good.

Perhaps, there is one physical thing I should've mentioned.

I have kind of a problem with, uh..

...you know, erections.

Ah.

Is the problem constant, Ponce, or does it vary?

No, it's, uh, it's pretty constant.

Well, I mean, does... anything seem to help?

Well, yes, sir. They, uh...

They don't seem to happen as often if I take cold showers.

'When I'm with the girls..'

'...the only thing that help is to do'

'multiplication problems in my head.'

'But that kinda interferes with conversations.'

Hello, Ponce dear.

What a terrible experience finding the poor girl like that.

Oh, hello, Mr. McDrew. I'm Ms. Smith, substitute teacher.

Yes, I know.'

Is there anything at all I can do for you?

No, ma'am.

How are you?

Oh, I'm just fine, Mrs. Smith. Thank you.

Done.

Very good.

Incidentally..

...I'm putting your name down for track, next semester.

Oh, man. C'mon, Tiger, that sport scene is a drag.

I don't know how you got hooked on it.

You can't spend the rest of your life reading a book, Harold.

An animal body needs animal exercise.

I'm gonna teach you to feel, man.

- To live. - Right.

Hello, Yipper.

Hello, boy.

Hello. Live around here?

'Could I offer you a drink? I live right there.'

Um-hmm.

Daddy, daddy.