Becker

Jake, you can stop worrying

about the decline of civilization.

It's officially hit bottom.

You know, once again, the--

The knuckle-dragging boobs

of this country have allowed themselves to be led

to slaughter by the hideous forces of evil.

Hey, come on, John, you promised me.

You promised me you'd stop watching Oprah.

It's not Oprah, not this time.

But I got my eye on her.

You know that-- That burned-out building down the block?

Uh, this is the Bronx, John.

You're gonna have to be a little bit more specific.

Sorry. The one-- The one that used to be the library.

Guess what they're putting in there now.

Just what this neighborhood needs: another one of those

schmuck-achino coffee places with the gourmet beans

from every Third World nation on Earth.

I mean, what the hell

is Ugandan Blend?

Yeah, I'm sure there's nothing those people like better

with their three grains of rice

than a non-fat, half-caf latte.

Wow, that new coffee place is great.

You?

You actually patronize a place called

"Living La Vida Mocha?"

Hey, for a few minutes I get to be a yuppie,

like everyone else.

Keep reaching for the stars, baby.

Hey, Becker, we decided where you're taking us

to dinner on Friday night.

Dinner? You lost the bet.

Oh, come on, that wasn't a real bet.

It was too.

You said there was a Betty in the Flintstone vitamins,

and there isn't.

What-- What I said was that I didn't care,

but then when you continued the idiotic conversation,

I merely pointed out that it'd be stupid for them

to make Flintstone vitamins and not include Betty.

And then you made a bet, and then you lost.

Oh. Told you there was no Betty.

How would you know that anyway?

Well, see, John, each character has its own distinctive taste,

and believe me, if I'd had Betty,

I think I'd have known.

You lead a very sad life, don't you?

Well, let's think about this.

I had sex last night.

I'm getting free dinner on Friday night.

: Where's the bad? Heh.

Shut up, will you?

Greetings, losers.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

That's right, Bob is back.

Hey, Slim, uh, let me see your muffins.

Bob, I'm gonna take that tongue of yours

and wrap it around your neck.

No, I'm really talking about muffins,

but I'll take a rain check on that tongue thing.

Let me get, uh, two of those and two of those. And hurry up.

Bob's got a lot of ground to cover today.

Well, if it would help,

one of us could drop you from a plane.

You know, people who live in dark glasses

shouldn't throw stones.

Get a move-on, Spindles. I've got a lot of calls to make.

Oh, and by the way, I'm giving you plenty of notice.

Don't make plans for Halloween.

You and I can play my favorite game:

"Bobbing for Bob."

Hey, come on. I'm trying to eat here.

Hey, uh, I hope you can break a 50.

Bob never carries anything smaller than a-- Hold on.

How awkward.

Bob seems to have left his wallet in his other pants.

You have other pants, and you wear those?

I'll tell you what.

I'll write you a check.

Uh, no checks. I've been burned by deadbeats before.

Deadbeat? No one's ever questioned Bob's integrity.

I mean, I come from a long line of honorable businessmen.

My great-grandfather opened the first Amish whorehouse.

Those girls are great. They got no buttons.

All right, I'll take a check if it'll make you shut up.

There's a $1 processing fee.

That's 5 bucks even.

Processing fee? Some scam.

Whatever happened to trust?

Whatever happened to compassion?

Hey, Hacky-Sack, do you mind?

We're talking.

Shut up, will you, Bob? She's choking.

Can you speak?

Well, I'm a doctor. I'm gonna give you a hand here.

Oh.

My, my-- I couldn't breathe. I--

Don't try to say anything right now.

Just-- Just sit still for a second.

Here we go. Here, that should help.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, lady, little tip.

Cut it, chew it, swallow it.

We've been doing it for years.

Oh, I'm much better.

Thank you so much.

Well, you're very welcome.

Uh, Reg, see you at lunch.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You-- You-- You-- You saved my life.

I-I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, really, that's, uh-- That's okay.

Well, I'll never forget what you've done.

No problem. You're-- You're welcome.

Oh, e-e-ever.

Okay.

Um...

I'm-- I'm gonna go now.

Bye-bye.

And don't worry about the check. It's on the house.

Oh, you're very kind. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

She hocks up a bagel and it's on the house?

While Bob, a loyal customer,

can't get 5 lousy kopecks on the cuff?

Just pay up and get out.

I've never seen a check with a-- Is that a woman?

It's three women. And a donkey.

Look, when you flip it, they move.

You're late.

Now, Margaret, before you say anything, I know I'm late.

It's kind of your fault.

Last night I went out with that guy from your church

that you fixed me up with.

Russ? Isn't he wonderful?

How did it go? Great.

While I was ditching him, I met this really cool guy.

Russ is cool.

Russ is gay.

Anyways, this new guy took me to a club,

and we danced all night.

Oh, so you overslept?

No, the windows in his place were boarded up,

so I didn't know it was morning.

Morning.

Yeah, only for a few more minutes.

Hi. Can I help you?

Oh, yes.

I was just wondering if Dr. Becker--

Oh, there he is.

He saved my life.

Yes, I heard about that.

Hi, Dr. Becker.

Yeah, hi, uh-- Sorry.

Uh, K-Katherine.

Right. Katherine.

I asked that lady at the diner where I might find you.

So, what do you want?

Oh, I baked you some cookies.

Ah.

There's, uh-- There's, uh--

There's oatmeal-- Yeah.

--and tollhouse and, uh, a few snickerdoodles

because those are my favorite.

I hope you like them too.

Oh, I'm-- I'm sure they'll be fine.

Oh, yes, look, they-- They have Xs on them

made out of raisins. Heh.

Those are crosses.

So they are.

Why?

Oh, because the good Lord Jesus sent you to me.

Uh, yeah, he-- He rocks.

Thank you, Dr. Becker.

Mm.

Oh, and thank God.

Margaret.

Yes.

Does that w--? Does that woman seem a little weird to you?

Why? Because she did something nice?

Nice? No, no, no, she-- She tracked me down.

Look-- Look at these cookies.

They've got God stuff all over them.

And then when she was leaving, she--

She even thanked God.

That's not weird.

Pretty much everyone who walks away from you thanks God.

Hey, ho, failures. Bob's back.

Get over here, you little hemorrhoid.

Ooh, a pet name.

Sounds like you're ready for a little Preparation Bob.

Which brings to mind what you can do with this check.

It bounced.

It's not even worth the amazingly disgusting paper

it's written on.

Bounced? That can't be.

I have loads of money.

I haven't paid taxes in years.

I'm gonna call my bank and settle this.