Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

Thank you. Okay.

Tanya, this outfit is fire.

- - Oh, I love this for you.

But you gotta crop it, like, right there, though.

- Oh... oh, I see it. That was it. -

- That was it. That was it. - Yeah.

Oh, my God. We are about to look muy bonita chileando in España.

- Mm-mm. No, girl. -

My bad. But we are about to tear Spain up, okay?

Beaches, tapas.

Spanish boys!

Ah, you're gonna love Valencia.

- The camp we're working at is bomb. -

Oh, hell no. It's my mom.

"Pick up your brother and come home ASAP."

You know what? The dopest thing about Spain

is that I'm 7,000 miles away from my dumb family.

My brother's in prison. I'd give anything to have an extra moment with him.

Ooh, cute.

"They're your kids, not mine."

Did you just send that to your Black mom?

Girl, that was a death wish.

Come on, fam. I was trying to hear the rest of the song.

That's why God invented Spotify.

Oh, yeah. Mom was right about you.

What'd you say?

Don't be mad 'cause she tell me stuff she don't tell you.

Oh, I'm not doing this with you today.

I was out shopping with my friends and I had to come pick you up.

- Then go talk to your mother. - I'm talking to you about it.

Look, I just got home, okay? Can you get out of my face?

- Shut up. - I'm just playing. Damn.

- I'm not giving you rides anymore. - Can I just get in my room?

- You're always talking shit. - You're ruining my day.

- Damn, Melissa. -

If girls could be incels, that's your future. Go outside.

Do you only consume dark media?

Reality is darkness, Tanya. You avoid it. I run toward it.

- Tanya? - Zack, we talked about this.

Don't sneak up on people. It's creepy.

I wanted to say hi, but I didn't want to interrupt you.

Hey, where were you this morning?

I've been seeing the same murder of crows lately.

Did you know a group of crows is called "a murder"?

- Dope. - I fed them and followed them around.

I ended up in Winnetka.

They had some beef with another murder, but I squashed it.

Did you know crows can recognize faces? That means I've made friends for life.

That's really cool, Zack.

But maybe next time, don't go so far though?

- Oh, Mom, I brought home your son. -

- What's for dinner? - Can you give me an allowance?

- Can we eat spaghetti today? - I need an allowance.

- I used all my money on food for my crows. -

- I need more money! -

- No, I actually have to go to Spain. -

- -

Mom?

Kenny, can you not be a degenerate for, like, five minutes?

- Why? What's popping in five minutes? - Mom had a nervous breakdown.

Girl, Black folks don't have those.

They do when the boss's mediocre white son gets a promotion over them.

You could have done a more comprehensive report

in half the time if you just used Canva.

- - Whoa.

Was that comprehensive enough? Dickless...

And now she has to go to Thailand

to an immersive two-month yoga meditation retreat.

Yo, so we finna have the whole house to ourself?

What is wrong with you?

I can't go to Spain. Mom needs the money for her retreat.

My summer's ruined.

Why your Black girl tragedy gotta crush my Black boy joy?

I was up all night and found stuff online to heal you.

Good, cheap, local stuff, like CBD oil and massages and...

Oh, you can pet rescue dogs.

The doctor said to avoid stress at all times.

If you keep this up, I swear to God, I'ma slap you to Spain.

Zack, come say goodbye.

- Oh, my God. - Zack!

- What are you tripping for? - Where are you?

We got no supervision for months. We finna live like white kids.

- We're throwing a party tonight. - Tonight? That is not enough time.

- Day of. Keep the crowd small. -

You just don't know shit.

Ooh, and make sure you invite Gaby, 'cause you know she thick as fuck.

You know I need you to help me tie my shoes before I get on this plane.

What are you doing?

Where are you, Zack?

Come here, boy. I'm gonna miss you.

I want you to have a good trip.

And don't worry, we'll deal with these abandonment issues later in life.

Oh, you're not being abandoned.

Hello. What a pretty young lady.

Look, it's great that you've witnessed Jehovah or whatever,

- but now's a bad time. - Oh, no, dear.

I'm Ms. Sturak, the babysitter.

- - Uh, you can call me ADT.

I'll be helping to keep you safe all summer.

Oh, hell no.

The bills are on auto-pay,

and this should take care of food and stuff.

We're so blessed that you can do this for us at such short notice.

Well, I could tell from your Facebook post,

you're a good woman who just needed a hand.

Oh, my co-worker said

- you were such a sweetheart. -

Thank you.

A babysitter is a huge waste of money. I can handle it here.

You always say I need to act like an adult. Give me a chance to.

- I mean, I drive those damn kids around. - "Those damn kids"?

You mean your brothers and sister that you drive around in my car?

What else? What else is on your long list of adult behavior?

When's the last time you paid a bill, cooked a meal,

cleaned the house without being told to?

Hell, did anything without being told to?

You don't have a clue what to do with your life,

and you never had a job.

And you barely got into Howard, even with my hookup.

Can you not read me for filth?

I need a break.

Otherwise, you're gonna lose another parent.

Jesus, Mom.

Give me a hug.

Hug me, girl.

Thank you, Ms. Sturak! Love you, kids.

- Love you, Mom. - Love you too.

Bye.

And, Kenny, no vaping in the house!

Hmm.

- Hurry up. Get me out of here. -

Well, there goes my summer. Bye, summer.

- -

Dude, what the shit?

I watch Madea movies.

I know how to discipline you little N-words.

Oh. Do you think that it's less racist if you don't say the actual word?

And why are you strapped?

Oh, relax. It's just a starter pistol.

- -

Where's my room? Get my bag!

You get that.

Zack, come on.

Violate my rules at your own peril.

- - No more of this garbage.

Run a mile.

You'll never get a man with that couch-dimpled derriere.

Where do you think you're going?

No Irish goodbyes. A foul people.

You got a week to get that crap out of your system.

After that, I'll tell the cops

you roughed me up in a fit of reefer madness.

Makeup is for geisha whores.

Well, don't you look precious? You know what's not so precious?

Anal warts.

- Please, no more. - I'ma catch a case off her old ass.

- What's wrong with you? - You ever seen a ten-minute STI slideshow?

- What's an STI? - Do something, bro.

She's only here because you suck so bad at life

that Mom didn't trust you to watch us.

Or she thought you'd get so stoned that you'd burn the house down.

I think it's both.

Whatever!

How are we gonna have this party while she here?

- -

So sorry for how we behaved. Our mom didn't tell us we had a sitter.

- Looking at you, I can tell why she... - Why she wanted to surprise us.

Surprises are for kids' parties and the Japanese.

Right. Well, I know you said no guests,

but we had already invited our church friends for Bible study,

and, you know, we can't cancel on Jesus.

You better not wake me up. I get very grumpy when I get woken up.

More grumpy?

- - Would you like an allergy pill?

Sure. And a whiskey neat.

Okay.

Oh, and you might hear music, but it's Christian hip-hop.

- Deejay Cardinal Spin. - Hip-hop ruined the Blacks.