Only Murders in the Building

The easiest way to win a game

is to make your opponent

think they're playing a different game entirely.

The only crime I'm guilty of is being an embarrassing nepo baby

-who's trying to do some good. -Yeah, how's that going?

I wanna prove to everyone that I'm not a... fuck-up.

Jay didn't do it. He's sweeter than I expected.

That lying piece of shit. This isn't his finger.

Enjoy the remodel.

She's a home decor witch!

What's Mayor Tillman doing here?

How is the pod? Right?

I'm-- Hey, I'm still avail to guest, FYI.

I'm collecting signatures to stop New York City

from opening its first ever casino.

I got an offer on my place.

It's big.

I, uh, joined a dating service for sexy seniors.

It's called, uh, Last Gasp.

Oh! Last Gasp notification.

-Priscilla, she's so funny. -You told her about the case?

Just a-- a little tidbit.

You're being catfished, Charles.

This glitch is from the same footage as THĒ and Seth Rogen's.

-Something has been cut out. -Why is the Last Gasp peach logo

the same as on the security footage?

That's who's been messaging me?

-And cooked the footage. -And maybe killed Lester.

- -What does it say?

You're such a smarty-pants.

Now I need to come hunt you down.

When you live as a titan of industry

on this planet amid the metropoleis...

nothing means more than getting away.

To think, to play, or just... escape.

You think he knows he's goin' to the vet?

Well, if he didn't, he does now.

- -Oh.

Ooh, it's one of those "Silver Alerts." Always so sad

-when an old person goes missing. - Aw.

It says, "Endangered adult male, 74, 5'7", brunette,

"last seen wearing southwestern cowboy boots

-and a purple scarf." - Oh! Thank God!

Did it say the boots were turquoise?

Thank God.

You gotta save me.

-I'm in danger. -

You hear it all the time.

"The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward."

But when it comes down to it, most people aren't willing to take the leap.

What the very successful know

is that you have to take bold risks to strike gold.

So, tell me, are you willing to go all in for greatness?

-I said, are you willing? -Yes!

Sorry. I know he is our murder suspect.

But the "Bash Steed Greatness Academy" audio tapes

are really inspiring.

That was $18 well spent.

If only he let it slip where to find him, then I'd be all in.

Oh, wait a minute, this might be something.

-What? - Oh. No.

His company website says, "Bash Steed is a citizen of the universe

"with a home in each of the continents

-and a bio module on Mars." -Wow. Wow.

He's also an asshole, pardon my French.

I mean, he did pretend to be my girlfriend.

Mm, not exactly sure you can call Priscilla a girlfriend

when you messaged for six hours and you've never met in person.

Oh, how embarrassing.

Someone doesn't know the term "situationship."

Okay, will you two Muppets stop arguing?

We need to prepare for our interview with the mayor.

Fine. I'm over it anyway.

Although I still don't know why we're podcasting

if we're not allowed to talk about our suspects.

That's because we are contractually obligated

to make content for Wondify.

-This is so dumb. -No, no, no, um, I think interviews

are an evolution of our brand.

And having the mayor as our first guest is quite the get.

I've already reached out to Meghan Markle's team

about being guest number two.

- -Okay, that must be him-- Oh!

Did you see the email from Wondify?

They want us to be more like the Drunken Sluts.

You know, so they want us to slut it up!

Ho-ho! Ho!

Jesus.

-Greetings. Ho-ho! -Hey!

Mayor Tillman in the house.

- -How are you, Charles?

- -Oh, my goodness.

-Hello. What a pleasure. -Hello, how are you?

-Thank you. Thank you. -A pleasure. Big fan.

Thank you. Oh, I can't believe I'm here, finally.

Wasn't sure how many overtures I was gonna have to make

before you would finally take the hint and let me on the pod.

- - Oh, no, no.

But fear not, fear not.

I have been working on my podcast voice for months.

Check it out.

I am Michael Barbaro.

Uh-huh?

Oh, no, that's it.

-Oh! -Oh.

- That was so good. -Oh, well, let's just get this started.

Alright.

Okay!

Oliver and Mabel, we got a really special edition

of Only Murders podcast today.

We're sitting with New York City Mayor Beau Tillman!

- -

- Whoo! -Thank you.

Thank you very much, Charles. Uh, a huge fan.

-Ohh! -Yeah.

Uh, you know, a big part of my platform

is making the streets of this city safer,

so I am excited to chop it up today.

Well, uh, great. So the first and most obvious, uh, question is...

-Mm-hmm? -...what are you gonna do about

the crosswalk button on 86th and Broadway?

Oh, uh, is-- is it broken?

No, but the button gets a little sticky,

and sometimes it-- it's-- it's difficult to tell

if you've pushed it or not.

You said you wanted to make the streets safer.

Oh, I meant from murder.

-Ha! Of course. -Yeah, so-- yeah.

'Cause I-- I heard your teaser trailer a while back, then crickets.

So, I have some theories.

Have we looked into the person

who is running against me this fall?

Right?

- You guys see? -Oh! It's a joke.

-Joking. -No. No, no, no, no.

We cannot podcast about that murder.

-What...? -Because, well, our prime suspects

bought our network and banned us from talking about them.

Oh, the Wondify sale. Yeah.

Wait.

Is Bash Steed one of your suspects?

Yeah, you know him?

Uh, love him. I-- I-- I would be shocked

if he was related to your case.

Actually, um, you know, Romy, I-- I could really use a coffee

-from that bodega on 74th. -Okay.

Okay, thank you.

- -

Bash Steed is your murderer.

We have to be quick.

Romy is Bash's niece.

He had me hire her so he could keep eyes on me all the time.

And yes, she also happens to be the best assistant I've ever had.

You should see how fast she gets coffee.

Like a Road Runner cartoon.

She's already in the courtyard.

Well, then, uh, start talking. What makes you think Bash is our suspect?

Well, I-- I don't actually know that for sure.

Dammit, Mayor!

But if you are investigating him for something,

chances are, he did that something. Trust me.

This man will do whatever it takes to get ahead.

He has paid millions into my campaign.

So, why are you trying to out him?

When I was first running for office,

I was up against people with deep pockets.

I didn't stand a chance, until Bash opened up his checkbook.

But it turns out, if people give you money, you owe them later.

Been there. One time, I took a small loan

-from Robert Blake. He was-- -Oliver!

Uh, s-- Real quick.

He made me lie under oath. Continue, please.

Uh, okay. Well, uh, it started out small.

Uh, building permits, diplomatic license plates.

But then the asks kept getting bigger.

Now, I'm spending so much time doing his bidding,

I haven't made good on any of my campaign promises.

That's why I wanted to do your podcast,

so I could win over the public and stop simping

for some lunatic billionaire.

Why don't you do something about it? Talk to the chief of police.

Who do you think is the NYPD's biggest donor?

He's literally above the law.

I'll bet Bash hired those dirty cops

I saw over Nicky's body at the dry cleaners.

Don't doubt it. And meanwhile...

I'm powerless.

Nothing but a puppet.

My ass is sore from having his hand so far up there.

And not in a fun way.

Great, so if the mayor of New York has no power,

what the hell are we supposed to do?

Investigate.

I-If you find something, maybe we can take Bash down together.

Oh, my God, that would be amazing for my numbers.

City people hate billionaires right now.

We're trying, but we can't even find him.

Well, the other day, I overheard Romy on the phone.

Apparently, he's hosting some big, secret rich people meeting.

Let me guess. With Camila White and Jay Pflug?