The Disinvited

- So it's my first day at this prestigious company,

which is now being run by my old boss

from that talent agency.

Anyways, I'm in the bathroom when all of a sudden,

these two guys at the urinals next to me start arguing

about whether or not one of them sounds like Dave Grohl.

One of them pulls out his phone,

starts playing a Foo Fighters song,

and he makes me guess if it's Grohl singing

or the guy pissing next to me.

And honestly I can't tell.

Sorry, hang on.

Anyways, then my boss asked me to send some faxes,

but the copy room's so dark

that I can't even read the numbers.

So I go to flick on the lights,

it turns out it's some sort of master power switch.

The whole building shuts down.

The place was going fucking ballistic.

Next thing I know, I'm getting pulled into HR,

they wanna go over some documents

that they found in my trash the week before.

It's a plea deal for my DUI

and some notes on my Draft Kings lineup.

Basically, they think I have

a drinking and gambling problem,

but why wouldn't they bring that up when they hired me?

So boss comes in, he starts looking at my notes,

cut to, he's lecturing about which stats are my best

when making a fancy baseball draft.

And he's talking about pitchers

in ways that I can't even understand.

So I just nod along.

The craziest part is I'm with this woman

who I used to work with at the agency

who's now an executive.

We're reminiscing about an old colleague who,

well, he actually died of a drug overdose a few years ago,

when all of a sudden, (laughs) dead guy walks in the room,

picks up a pen off the desk and walks out.

She looks at me and asked me if I'm gonna start crying

like I did at the agency whenever I got nervous.

Basically, the guy never fucking died!

And they made some fake obituary in hopes that I'd read it.

So now I'm wondering if I should quit

or if it's just some sort of fucked up hazing ritual

to see whether or not I'm a coward who can't hack it.

Anyways, before I make a decision,

I wake up.

What do you think it all means?

It's Carl, by the way. Call me back.

Come on.

"The dryer will be fixed by Friday.

It's gonna be fixed on Friday."

Well, it's Friday, Farook!

Motherfucking dryer ain't fixed.

- Carl, is your friend staying for dinner?

Carl, turn that music off!

We are who we are

because of who we are surrounded by,

or, or who we surround ourselves with.

Okay, we are the sum of the...

We are the sum of those we surround ourselves with

and luckily, when we met,

I still had plenty of room for spare parts.

What does that even mean?

Okay, we are the sum of our relationships.

And I was lucky enough to benefit from your taste in music

before you discovered BDM.

Come on, I know you're here somewhere.

Ah, there you are!

Beautiful.

Chain-smokers are the modern day equivalent of Creed.

Mark my words.

Too harsh?

But that's

the beauty

of relationships, friendships, all the ships really.

They carry you out of your comfort zone,

so you can discover new places,

people, things.

Wait.

Oh, like when we met at Emerson

during freshman, freshman orientation.

There you are.

Is that a non sequitur?

Maybe I need a quote. Quote sequitur.

Freshman orientation.

Emerson on that glorious gray day.

Everyone wearing loafers and polos and khakis.

It's an honor to be here.

Give me those keys, Butter Lips.

Arvin.

You'd best change those drawers.

You're gonna ruin that leather. (laughing)

Oh, shit.

So you're finally ready to get rid of this old lady, huh?

I'll give you a deal, 1500, 'cause I know she needs work.

What with how you kids like to jerk your gears

like you've found a second willy.

And I'm likely the one that's gonna have to do that work,

but cash is king and Thomas queen.

So you got yourself a deal.

Yeah, she's not for sale, Arvin.

Oh, come on.

Don't tell me you couldn't use the extra scratch.

I see that tiny little television set

you're always watching.

You see what?

Son, you got your blinds wide open

like you're giving a Muppet show to the entire building.

What do you got in there, a 30 inch?

Me, I got myself a brand new 77 inch ultra HD 14K TV set.

It's great.

You know what? I'm really in a hurry, Arvin.

- All I'm saying is you don't need this kind of horsepower.

A guy like you only needs like one horse.

Hey, whatever happened to that old girl

you used to hang out with?

Never see her painting her paintings.

I'm not gonna find her in the dumpster, am I?

How often you go dumpster diving?

Hey man, not my case to solve.

All I'm saying, when a chick magnet like this stops working,

maybe it's time to let someone else hold the horseshoe.

Hell, I could take this thing for a spin right now.

Hey man,

get out of the car.

- Hey. - Get out of the car!

- Goddammit, man, all you had to say was no dice.

Yeah, I shouldn't have to.

No, no, I shouldn't have to.

Dickhead.

- All right, fuck you. This is my dream car.

Really?

Yeah.

Kudos for not using this as bait on your profile.

- You know, real fishermen don't need flashy lures

to catch a prize fish.

- (laughing) How do they know when they've caught one?

Oh, trust me, they know.

We know, we just, we do.

- Okay. - I'm telling you.

Do you do a lot of fishing?

Ah...

Like online or?

I mean any form really.

Sometimes.

Come on!

No, people love that one.

Oh, my goodness, who's this? (laughing)

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

So no car or dog in the dating profile?

Oh.

Man, I have heard about burying a lead,

but you tried to like cremate it.

What's her name?

- Her name's Penny, but her real friend's call her Penguin.

Oh, Penny the Penguin, stop. (laughing)

Can I get you anything?

You want some water, wine,

beer, whiskey, ecstasy, Molly?

(laughing) No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wine please, if it's red.

- Red wine coming up. - Yes.

Your place is eclectic.

- Eclectic? - Yeah.

Thanks, thanks, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Ah.

Everything okay? Was it something I said or...

It's okay, I'll just call an Uber, it's fine.

- No, no, it's something, it's something I didn't say.

It's something I should have said.

- Carl, what are you talking about?

- That guy, that little fucking bridge troll.

Oh, the karaoke host?

Is that still bothering you?