Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill

Please welcome Bill Burr.

All right, what's going on?

How are you?

Good evening.

Good evening and welcome.

Welcome to this wonderful evening of stand-up comedy.

All right, you guys have great energy.

I like that.

I'm liking the energy already.

It's safe to say I guess the pandemic's over?

It kinda is, right?

I mean, nobody gives a fuck anymore, so basically, it's over, right?

It killed all the weak people, you know?

The strong people are here to survive.

The fatties are gone, the asthmatics,

people with lisps.

None of 'em made it!

But you guys survived.

Yeah, you guys survived.

Yeah, they said it killed a whole bunch of people, but I gotta be honest.

Have you really noticed?

I mean, you drive down the highway, there's still traffic.

I thought it was gonna be like, "Wow!

Holy shit, a lot of people died.

That's so sad, but fucking awesome, all at the same time!"

I gotta be honest though,

I saw a lot of you youngsters didn't wear masks.

I got upset at first,

but then I did the math. I understand why you didn't wear 'em.

You know what I mean? You knew you were gonna survive.

Right?

You went to college. You bought the dream.

You left with the debt and there was no jobs.

So you played the only card you had.

Get COVID and breathe on somebody older

with a corner office.

That's what you do, all right?

Power is not given away. It has to be taken.

And people have to die,

historically speaking.

People have to go.

You know what did amaze me during all of this?

Was the amount of shit that doctors got

from non-doctors... slash complete fucking morons.

People who had to go to summer school.

"According to my Internet research,

if you take a little bleach, vitamin D and aspirin…"

And people are like, listening to 'em.

Like, my favorite heckle doctors got from people was, like,

"Dude, what's the last thing they even cured?

What?

Fucking polio?"

It's like, "No. HPV."

They just came out with a vaccine for HPV.

No more warts on your dick.

We should be carrying these people around on our shoulders.

Thank you...

for not having to make me go down to the doctor.

And be like, "That's not a birthmark, is it?"

Or even worse, you're too shy to go,

so you try to do self-surgery

with a frozen Bud Light can. "Stick it on there, freeze it off!"

Bud Light, one of the big sponsors of this comedy tonight.

They say that, "What was the last thing they cured?" How about AIDS?

Dude, AIDS was gonna kill everybody.

You get it from fucking.

It was over. Now look at it.

Now you can get it, they give you one pill.

It doesn't even show up on a test!

You can go out and bang somebody, no condom, they don't even get it!

According to my Internet research!

Don't listen to me, but I think that's what I overheard in a bar.

"What's the last thing they cured?"

Do you know what fake legs looked like when I was a kid?

Huh?

First of all, there was only one color, it was like Band-Aid color.

And everybody knew you had a fake leg.

You're fucking walking down the street and everybody... "He's got a fake leg!

What do you think happened?" Motorcycle accident, fell down a flight of stairs,

got impatient with a woodchipper.

Right?

Everybody knew you had a fake leg.

Now, if you have fake legs,

you're not allowed to compete with people with real legs

in the Olympics, because not having legs is now more of an advantage

than having real legs.

Doctors make better legs than God.

All right, your calves, and your feet flopping around, are no match for a couple

of sickles.

These people just skiing down the fucking street.

You get 'em by some train tracks that go downhill,

you're never gonna see 'em again!

I enjoyed people being their own doctors. I loved it.

Good, kill yourselves, kill yourselves.

There's too many of us, it's fantastic.

All right, this is a weird thing to say in LA, but I'm really into guns.

I do. I love guns.

I don't own a gun, I didn't grow up with them, so, I know that I'm an idiot,

so I'll probably kill myself, but I don't have a problem with guns, you know?

Liberals gotta quit trying to take away conservative people's guns,

they just gotta stop doing that shit.

Because when you try to take away their guns,

then you get them in a corner where

they gotta start defending everybody with a gun. You know?

Like that fucking idiot, Rittenhouse, right?

That moron.

And they're gonna sit there like, "No, he's a bright guy.

He was a good guy with a gun."

My favorite thing about that was why did he go up there?

It's like, "Well, he loved his town. He loved it."

It's like, "Oh, yeah, when it snows out, does he show up with a shovel?"

"Private Rittenhouse, reporting for duty.

Boy, oh boy, do I love this sidewalk.

My goodness."

I'll tell ya, that guy went there to feel threatened.

And he felt threatened and he fucking killed two people.

Turns out the two people he killed were a convicted child molester,

and a skateboarder.

Two of the most annoying people in society.

So as dumb as this kid is, he somehow went two for two.

Unbelievable!

It's like when they bring some fat guy out of the crowd, halftime at an NBA game,

"You hit this half-court shot, fatty, you could win a Dodge-- fucking Durango."

"All right."

"Nothing but net! Holy shit!"

Yeah, Rittenhouse did it twice, "I got the other side!

Bam!

Skateboarder, go fuck yourself!"

People try to say his mother drove him to the riot.

I don't believe that, I think that's some liberal horseshit they made up.

I just can't imagine that conversation going down like that.

Like, she's sitting at home, hears him upstairs and is like, "Honey!

Honey, what are you doing?

You going out tonight? What are you doing?"

"Going to a riot."

"Do you want a ride?"

"All right, but you gotta drop me off like two blocks away,

so my other racist friends don't see my mommy drove me."

"All right, are you gonna wear a jacket?"

"Mom!"

"Don't yell at me the way your father did!

And bring your AR-15.

I'll see you in the car."

I don't know about that dude.

Only thing I can say about that dude is I hope he never does a 23andMe.

Okay, because with those big pouty lips I don't think he's gonna like the results.

Then he's gonna have to go down to the hideout, knocking on the door,

"Come on, man, I'm like 91% you."

"Und the Führer only accepts 100% percent Caucasian!"

All right, give yourselves a round of applause, everybody!

We're gonna keep this show going.

We've got nothing, nothing but killers on this show.

You guys are an awesome crowd,

and I can't think of a better way to start this show.

This is one of my favorite joke writers out there.

She's written for all the late-night shows,

even performed for a president, and she's here tonight for you.

Please welcome the amazing Michelle Wolf!

Come on, everybody!

Give it up for Bill!

You know, we're both redheads, I don't know if this is a show or a fetish.

I, um, I want women to get ahead.

Yeah, we only needed four.

I want women to get ahead, but I just don't know if it's gonna happen.

Because, uh, we're not good at it.

Like, we have the first female vice president,

and everyone got really excited.

They were like, "Now little girls everywhere,

little girls everywhere

will know it's possible."

Yeah, little girls everywhere else already knew it was possible.

America's like the last place to have a female leader.

She's not even really... the leader.

We're like, the last place to have a female leader.

Kosovo's been a country for 13 years, they've already had two female leaders.

Germany had Angela Merkel for I don't know how long,

long enough for me to know it's "An-guh-lah."

Myanmar's one of the least developed countries in Asia.

It's had a female leader who's been overthrown by the military twice!

And each time, that little Asian lady claws her way back up to the top.

She is definitely not a white woman.

She would've just stayed down and been like, "This is not fair."

"Little girls everywhere…"

Some people make the argument, they're like, "Well, some people

just need to see it happen to know it's possible."

All right, well then, you're not a leader.

That's like the exact opposite definition of a leader.

Like, "Guys, I'm gonna show you the way,

if you could just-- if I could follow you maybe."

And use that anywhere else, you're in school.

You're in school, you're looking at someone's paper,

and they're like--

the teacher comes up to you and she's like, "What are you doing?"

And you're like, "I just need to know it was possible."

"Little girls."

And they only do this when good things happen to women.

They don't do this when bad things happen to women

or when women achieve bad things.

You know, like when Two Girls, One Cup came out, no one was like...

"Now little girls everywhere…"