BitterSweet

Is tardiness a habit of yours?

How are you feeling, hot? Is it stuffy in here?

Not, not really.

I'd take off my jacket, but I don't,

I don't have any deodorant on, slept in my car.

- Did you park in the lot? - What? No.

- Good, because we don't validate. I hope you fed the meter.

How, how long you think we're gonna be?

- A whole lot longer now that you've arrived late.

It was a mistake, it was-

What happened the day of your arrest?

Oh God, yeah.

At this point it's all such a blur.

- Well, let me help you. You got into a fight.

- We, you know, sometimes we, we, we, we miscommunicate,

and ah,

Gigi, Gigi wants a ring, you know?

You know, but I can't really afford one.

And, and, honestly, I don't really believe

in the whole institution of marriage.

Oh, but you believe in making babies.

I want you to enter domestic violence group therapy

for your anger issues.

For your anger issues.

- This is ridiculous. I-I'm not, I'm not an angry person.

I'm not a, I'm not a violent person.

I am the most nonviolent undomesticated

man child that I know.

- Perhaps you're on the flip side of the coin,

just as bad, sometimes worse.

What? What flip side?

- Once alpha, now beta, sliding your way down to omega.

Recessive, emotionally regressive, usually manic depressive.

Last of the white male privileged tricksters.

But now you're confused, afraid,

finally on the losing end of the shit stick.

I am a little distracted,

maybe, you know, I have some me-me-med-medical condition.

I was, was born a preemie.

Your only defense now is to lie down

and play dead like a possum.

But if you take a closer look,

you will see a nasty virile monster.

- What did my neighbors say about me? This is-

- Well, in a nutshell, they don't understand

why Gigi is staying with you.

Thanks.

- Hey, are you still there? - Uploading now.

You've got to be the laziest,

shittiest coder I've ever worked with.

- Yeah, well just make sure you send that PayPal, okay?

Whatever, just get it done.

Boy?

Eight laps and the steps, bit my record.

Beat, not bit, beat.

Beat, I said beat Sam.

I'm almost back to my pre-baby body.

You know I parked on the street,

so the driveway's all yours.

- How's Lucas? - He's, he's napping.

Did you pay the gas bill?

I called the gas company,

and I got us an extension.

- Did you check the noises in the attic?

Set up rattraps.

What if it's not rats, Sam?

- Set bigger traps. - I need a massage.

- My hand, it hurts, 'cause I'm working all day.

- No pot? - No, no pot.

No marijuana.

You promised you wouldn't, Sam.

I know.

- You have to put the trash in the driveway Sam,

otherwise they won't take it, okay?

What?

What what? Oh shit.

Oh, come on.

No, no, not the wifi, where's the wifi?

Oh, no, no, no. Oh God.

Sorry, is there any way I can push off the deadline

till tomorrow? - No way.

Like, this has got to go out, today.

- Shit. - Gigi?

- Hey, man. - Oh hey.

Hey, what's up with your wifi?

- Oh yeah, ah dude, my wifey doesn't really want

you poaching our wifi anymore.

- Dude, I just need to get back online one more time

and then I don't have to poach your wifi,

'cause then I can upload my work

and then I can pay my wifi bill.

- Yeah, well look, I don't really know how Gigi is

when you don't do what she asks you to do,

but Peggy's from down South.

- Gigi's South American, way worse, trust me.

Yeah, I do trust you.

- This is an emergency, I'll come right now. Hank?

Gigi? Gigi?

Marcel.

- Listen, anything else you ever need bro, give me a call.

Sam, what are you doing?

You're going somewhere, he's crying.

Sam, this fan could blow a blanket

over his face and smother him.

But it's so hot, if he gets cold,

I don't want him to be cold.

You know, I mean, look I messed up.

It's just, I was fixing the wifi outside,

and I was trying to get us connected.

You see, he's fine, it was like three, maybe four seconds

before you come in, what?

- It smells like pot. - Where?

You're a liar, Sam.

- Hey, I didn't lie about that, the gas company.

I-I really called and left a message.

- A message? - For an extension.

This boy needs a bath.

Maybe you should ask one of the neighbors for another favor.

Creep.

Hey, hey, hey.

How far does your wifi extend?

I don't know, I've never checked.

- Think I can get online so I can upload some work?

Why don't you go to a Starbucks?

Oh that's right, you cannot, because you never buy anything.

You just take up space, oui?

- Hey man, listen look, I just need to get online.

This is so awkward for me to say,

but I do not know my wifi password.

How is that even possible?

- My mom, she created the wifi and when she passed away,

she takes the password with her.

Fuck the password, okay?

I'm gonna go to Starbucks, and eat a stale croissant.

Merci beaucoup, it's all one word.

Hey, thanks man.

So, now that you're getting paid.

We already talked about this.

And we agreed.

We didn't agree.

We really need to keep doing this?

We're already doing this, Sam.

So why do you gotta make it a thing?

- I'm not making it a thing. I just want a ring.

- Honey, do you really wanna waste money we don't have,

on a finger ornament we don't really need?

What, what are you doing, Sam?

- I thought we could play some Lycan Wiccan tonight.

No, I don't feel like Lycan Wiccan, Sam.

No, no Sam, no.

You bit me, Sam.

Wait, do you hear that?

Who's moaning?

Who's moaning, you hear that?

Is that porn? - What, what?

- Is that gay porn? - No.

I bore your son for nine months.

Am I not enough for you?

- No. - No?

- No, you're not not enough, you're more than enough.

Am I too much for you?

No, I just get distracted sometimes.

Why, don't you take your medication?

The insurance ran out.

- Really? - Yeah.

You lapsed our insurance too?

I didn't wanna stress you out.

- What else you haven't been telling me, Sam?

Be honest. - I didn't, I didn't,

I didn't pay off all my student loans

and my credit card bills.

How can I believe anything you say?

You lying, lazy, disgusting masturbator.

I wasn't masturbating.

- Are you gay, Sam? - Stop it.

It was a pop-up ad.

- Is that why you haven't buy me a ring yet?

I will find you a ring tomorrow.

- Find? - Yeah.

Where, inside of your gay ass?

No, we'll go downtown tomorrow.

Just to save your computer?