The Nanny

And you know, I never gave Maxwell a wedding gift,

and since the days of me sleeping in my own room are over...

Thank God!

So I was thinking, why not turn it into his very own home gym, huh?

That's good. Keep him strong and healthy.

Men who marry the Fine women

tend to die young.

Why is that?

'Cause they want to.

Anyway, I got this amazing contractor.

Wait until you girls see what's being done in here!

Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought you were going to be out shopping all day.

Well, I finished early. I'm good at it.

What... you said you were going to be in bed all day!

Sylvia, Yetta; Do you have to stand there?

No.

I can't believe you're doing this.

What must you have been thinking?

That we wouldn't get caught?

Fran; I just turned 21. I'm an adult.

Well as an adult I should advise you that

you better get your tushie out of bed

before your daddy comes home and kills you!

Hi, I'm nana.

And you know whose fault this is going to turn out to be, don't you? Mine.

Why?

Because I'm the one that said you were an adult.

I'm the one that said you were responsible.

I'm the one that told him to trust you.

Fran; I was... Oh, my God!

And this is why men that marry Fine women die young.

What the hell did you think you were doing?!

-Well, I think it's pretty obvious_ -Well, I know what they were doing!

I want to know why they were doing it!

-Well I think they were_ -I know why they were doing it!

Hey, what's all the noise up? Whoa. Ho, ho, ho.

Great.

All right, how much have I missed?

Have any trust funds been cut off yet?

Would you just get out of here?

-Everybody out! -Oh, but, Dad! This_

Now! Out. Out. Out!

-I'll be in the kitchen. -Well, there's a shocker.

Honey; Honey, let's just calm down.

Maybe we should go sit around the table, have a little coffee, a little cake_

Not now!

I think I know what you're going to say.

-I want you out of my house. -Yep, that's what I thought.

Care to explain yourself, young lady?

Well, Fran said that whatever we do in our own apartment, we could do here.

Why don't you just feed me to the sharks, why don't you?

Miss Fine; In my office. Right now.

Great. Now I'm back to Miss Fine.

Thank you very much, young lady.

Oh, yes, good afternoon.

I'm calling about your ad for the '93 BMW?

Yes, well, the car sounds wonderful.

Oh, you think I sound sexy, eh?

Well, I've got wavy black hair,

hazel eyes, oh, I'm about 6'2".

What about you?

I'm a petite strawberry blonde.

Oh, I like moonlight,

Burt Bacharach and leather.

Yes, I'm alone.

Are you serious? Ha, ha, ha.

That'll really turn you on?

You are a pathetic little_!

...into a screaming match with the kids.

Listen, I don't agree or approve of what she did either,

but she is 21 years old, and she does love the guy.

If she loves him, she can wait.

We waited five years.

You know, that's a little bit of a sore spot with me.

I cannot believe you gave them permission to do that. And in our house!

I did not. You know, you're just upset because you saw them.

Yes, well, you're right. Didn't care for that.

Sweetie; You must have assumed that they would_

Assuming isn't knowing! Assuming means you could be wrong!

People were assuming we were having sex

when you were my nanny and they were wrong.

Again, a sore spot.

Look, I want you to talk to Margaret

and forbid her from having any more.

Oh, okay, honey. And while I'm doing that,

why don't you 'schlep Opie to Floyd's for a haircut'?

Please, would you just go and talk to her?

Oh, okay. Okay,

But I'll tell you, it's going to be pretty difficult for me

to tell her she can't do something that...

that I recently discovered is just so amazing.

I don't care.

Thank you. I don't care!

Oh, come on, it was just a joke.

What do I have to do to get you to sell me your car.

Well, it's a little embarrassing,

but would you consider being a workout partner

for someone who's trying to get back to a size four?

Back to implies she was there once.

What would I have to do?

Well, all you'd have to do is hold her legs while she does sit-ups,

support her when she does squats, block the perspiration

from her cleavage.

I could handle that. It's a deal.

I hope it'll be as much fun for you as it is for me.

First thing, could you help me get into this?

Oh, there you are. Where have you been?

-Michael's. -Well...

Your father wants us to talk about what happened

between you and Michael yesterday.

And I just want you to know, honey, that, as your mother,

you can share with me anything and everything.

Well, that wasn't the first time that Michael and I_

Don't over communicate, sweetie.

Now come on, the important thing is

that you have to talk to your father.

But before that happens, we're going to give you a little makeover,

and turn you into the Maggie that he wants to see.

The sweet, young,

sexually non-active Maggie.

Fran; I really don't think that this is a good time.

Oh, honey, don't be scared.

You'll just march yourself right in there and open with,

"Daddy, your last play was so funny"

Then,

you're going to apologize and as you skip out,

it wouldn't be a bad idea to hold onto that.

Fran, I really need to talk to you.

Okay, sweetie.

But just... do you think that you can squeeze into this?

Fran;

I think I'm pregnant.

Oh, well then this definitely won't... Oy..

Fran? Fran! Fran!

Nice rug.

Fran; Please, I need you, you have to get up!

Oh. Oh! Oh, honey, you know,

next time you tell me that you think you're pregnant,

could you do it on carpeting?

Fran; What am I going to do?

Well, are you sure, sweetie?

-I all I know is that I'm late. -Well, how late?

About a week.

Now when you say, "about a week",

how many days do you mean? 5? 6?

-Eleven. -Oh, my God!

-Didn't you use protection? -Well, of course I did.

Well, you obviously didn't buy quality.

Don't you know that is the one thing

you pay retail for?

Fran; What am I going to do?

I mean, who would have thought that daddy would be right?

Oh. You know what, honey,

Let's not go there unless we absolutely have to.

Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much. I'm never going to do it again.

-Excellent work, sweetheart. -Thanks.

-Hi, Mom. -What do you mean by that?

Oh, you meant me. Oh, he meant me.

Good to see you, son.

Okay, now, the first thing that we've got to do is buy a pregnancy test.

Who's pregnant?

Oh, um, oh, Yetta,

you've got to promise me you're going to forget everything you just heard.

Don't worry. It goes in one ear and_

I think we're safe.

Did you get the test?

Okay, so let's see here.

It says if you're not pregnant, it'll turn pink.

If you are pregnant, it will turn blue.

As will we all.

Oh, honey; This wouldn't have happened if you had just listened to me.

Fran; You said I could do whatever I wanted in our own house.

Whatever, not whoever.

Fran; I'm so nervous.

Oh, sweetie, listen, whatever happens, don't worry.

You're not going to have to go through this by yourself.

-I'm so glad that I have you. -I love you.

But you know, I don't want to put pressure on you or anything, but...

if for some reason you are pregnant, life is going to change forever.

No husband, no house, no money.

And it ain't going to be a picnic for you either.

I'm putting on my makeup.

God, that'll take a month.

I want my money back.

Your car is a piece of junk