Louis C.K.: Shameless

Please welcome louis c.K.!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, thanks, that's very nice.

Hello, everybody.

How are ya?

Woo!

Good, thanks for...

Thank you, oh, good.

Thanks, thanks for coming, thanks for being here.

Thanks for not dying before you got here.

Which could've happened.

Thanks for getting through the traffic.

I drove here, and on the way here

I saw a bumper sticker on a car, and it said,

Uh, it said "tell your girlfriend i said thanks."

Isn't that a little personal for a bumper sticker, really?

A bumper sticker should be like,

"Hey, i'm in front of you, buh-Baa,"

Whatever, you know.

Not, "hey, i fucked your girlfriend."

You really want that on your car

All day for whoever's behind you?

"Tell your girlfriend i said thanks,"

How does he know i'm not behind him just getting mad,

And...

Crazy, taking it personal, "motherfucker..."

I follow him home, i get out of my car in his driveway

With a pipe, "what the fuck does that mean?"

Thank her for what, exactly?

Wait a minute, you fucked my girlfriend?

Then you made that bumper sticker

And found me in traffic and got in front of me?

Woo!

Motherfucker.

And i just beat him to death with a pipe

Right there in his driveway, mm, mm!

And jerk off on his corpse.

Didn't need that part. Didn't need it.

The story was totally complete

Without the jerking off on the corpse.

It's too late.

I was at a bar the other night,

It doesn't matter where because i'm lying.

But, um...

I was...

I was at a bar, and, uh, um,

I was waiting for the bathroom for a really long time,

There was a guy in the bathroom and i'm waiting for him.

And then after a while,

This guy that works there walks by, he goes,

"Are you still waiting?" And i'm like, "yeah."

So he bangs on the door and he goes,

"Come on, asshole, shit and get out!"

And then he walks away.

I was in new york, i went to a...Uh,

I went to this polish meat place in new york,

And i go to the guy at the counter, i was like,

"Hey, could i get a sandwich?"

And he's like, "yes!" And he just made me a sandwich.

Heh, heh, heh.

That was it, he didn't ask me what kind or anything,

He just made it.

It had, like, raisins and bones in it. What the fuck?

People from other countries eat weird food, man.

I was in chinatown, and, uh, you know one of the groceries...

I know that's not another country, but, uh, you know...

Ha ha ha...

You...You know the grocery stores in chinatown,

They're for the chinese people, they eat their actual food,

And, uh, i was in one of those, and they...

They had duck vaginas, i swear to god.

A huge barrel of fuckin' duck vaginas...

With a scoop stuck in it.

Yeah!

And i'm standing there just staring at this

Fucking huge...

And i'm thinking,

Could we possibly dominate a species more than that?

Than that...We're selling their vaginas in a fucking barrel.

Ducks are just like, "dudes...jesus.

"You won the war, take it easy,

You don't have to sell our vaginas."

I didn't get any, because i don't want to know...

What if i love duck vaginas?

I don't want to find out.

It's not like millions of things taste like

A fucking duck vagina, it would be very specific

To be addicted to that.

Not for me.

I have this friend, he has a phone that can "im,"

He can instant message, and so now i really want him to die,

Because i'm sick of getting these fucking messages

From him on his phone. "I'm in a show store."

That's the whole message!

We're not secret agents, i don't need to know where you are.

So i get this message from him,

He says, "i'm on an airplane in seattle."

So i wrote back and i said,

"Well, i hope your plane crashes."

And he gets pissed off and he calls me,

"Take it back, we're about to take off."

I'm like, "fuck you, i hope it crashes.

I don't have to take it back."

Hope it crashes twice.

Hope it crashes and kills half of you

And they go, "fuck it, let's try again,"

And they take off and crash again.

I hope that happens.

Sincerely i hope it.

And he...He tries to make it...He goes,

"Well, how are you gonna feel now if my plane crashes

After you went and said that?"

I'm like, are you shittin' me? That would be amazing!

To know that i can do that?

I'd happily trade your life for knowledge of my powers.

He's one of those guys who just makes you hate him,

Because, uh, you know when you have a friend that you hate?

You can't break up with your friends, you know?

He always starts conversations that i don't want to have.

You know, he's like, "hey, what would you do if you

Had a time machine?" I'm like, fuck you.

I don't...

You know what? I wouldn't use it.

I'd just let it sit in my house.

I'd put a drink on it, you know, i got a time machine,

I never even went in it.

I don't know, i'm not interested.

I'd use it to go back 30 minutes ago

And punch you in the fucking face before you ask me that.

That's all.

One use.

So he goes, "well, here's what i would do."

'Cause of course that's the whole fucking point

Of asking me, is to stare at me while i say mine

And then say his.

So he said if he had a time machine,

He would've killed hitler, like,

He would go back and kill hitler.

I love that he thinks he could just kill hitler

Just 'cause he just goes back there

And walk up and kill the dude.

And i was thinking, that's a noble purpose

For a time machine, i would do that.

But i would've gone back with him

But i wouldn't have killed hitler.

I would've raped him. That's what i thought.

Because i think that would've been enough,

I think that would've stopped him from doing all that shit.

If he had been raped by me,

He never would've pulled any of that stuff, man.

"Should we invade poland?"

"No, i'll just take a shower, i don't feel good."

Low self-Esteem, and, you know...

I'm not condoning rape, obviously,

You should never rape anyone.

Um, unless you have a reason, like you want to

Fuck somebody and they won't let you,

In which case, uh...

What other option do you have?

How else are you

Supposed to have an orgasm in their body

If you don't rape them? Like, what the fuck?

Ha ha ha. Ok.

That's fucked up.

So, here's a weird thing that happened to me.

I have this, uh, i have this t-Shirt,

And it says "awesome possum" on it.

And it's got a picture of a possum.

I know it's stupid, but a friend of mine gave it to me...

Fuck you, i bought it. I thought it was cool.

But, uh, i...

I'd never seen anybody with that same shirt before,

With the awesome possum shirt,

And i was in this coffee place in I.A., You know,

Like a coffee...Not like, uh, like starbucks,

Like an indie coffee place where all the cool people go,

And they're like, ooh...

Eh...Heh...Eh...Heh...

They got their, like, snow hats in the fucking summer

And all that shit, you know, those cool people.

Huh, uh, and their ipods.

And they say cool things like, "yeah, me, too."

Or whatever, you know.

And i just stand in the doorway and fucking hate them.

I don't know why i go to the place,

I think it's 'cause i hate them.

I just hate...

There's a certain part of the culture i just hate.

'Cause i grew up in boston, and in boston,

People just beat the shit out of each other.

For no reason.

They just beat the shit out of each other.

But i kind of think you need that,

You know, to keep quality control.

'Cause in places where that doesn't happen,

People are just too free,

And fuckin'...They're just a bummer, you know?

Like i was once on venice beach and i'm jogging,