The Legend of Jack and Diane

Why the hell didn't he wake me up?

I dunno. You just looked so peaceful laying there.

Yeah, whatever you say.

You know what?

You're crazy.

Jack, I can't, all right?

I'm so late.

Oh, too late.

Okay, maybe just a minute.

Stanley!

This fucking thing hits 60 in three seconds.

Not exactly what I wanna hear, Parker.

What do you want me to do? Come on.

You want me to honk and still on every traffic light?

Well, according to the tactical driving handbook, yes.

The last crash almost killed me.

I don't get these rods outta my neck

for another three months.

A couple titanium rods never hurt anyone, stop.

I've got six, Parker.

Two, six, what's the fucking difference?

Four, Parker. Do you know how to count?

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Shut up, okay?

Oh, fuck it.

What are you doing?

Just looking at some old pictures.

Let me see.

Look at that.

Can you believe that was us?

All right, even after the accident

where you crashed into the school bus

and ejected me through the windshield.

I was on life support for two weeks.

He never came by, he never called.

You gotta let this go, man.

You hang on to shit way too long, okay?

I mean, and also, by the way,

you weren't on life support, dude.

You were on a medically-induced coma.

There's a big fucking difference, bro, big.

Yeah, see, you'll never understand,

because you and your father were close.

What's your father do for a living?

He's a drug lord, he's a killer,

he's a dope dealer, right?

And you become a cop.

It's like Hitler's son, you know,

converting to being a Jew.

They don't fit, bro.

Yeah, but I'm still his flesh and blood.

Flesh and blood, like those fish.

Let's get em outta here, they stink. Come on.

See, here I am emotionally decapitated

and all you can think about is damn dead fish.

Who's that asshole?

Perfect.

Ah, damn.

What the fuck?

Sorry, I gotta return these.

You can't return a bag of dead fish, dumb ass.

Right there.

Oh, come on.

These fish didn't even last two days.

When he was here the other day,

I told him exactly what was gonna happen.

Didn't I?

What did I tell you?

That fish aren't meant to be swimming around

in a small ass fish bowl.

And?

And that they would soon get depressed,

their colors would fade,

and that one day I'm gonna find them swimming upside down.

Exactly.

Hey Stanley, you see these?

You see these?

Oh, yeah.

So how high on this stuff are you?

Oh, God.

Why didn't you tell me you got new fish, huh?

Can you recommend a couple?

I always thought you were the kinda guy

who'd maybe like own a monkey.

How about a monkey?

A monkey? They shit all over the place.

Besides, I got a fish fetish.

Recommend?

Yeah, you know, some fish that'll live past Sunday?

They're goldfish, they're all gonna fucking die.

Well, aren't you a little ray of sunshine?

What's your fascination with goldfish, anyway?

Look, I'd rather not talk about it.

Let's just say they're very relaxing.

Anyone ever tell you that you're fucking weird?

Yeah, what do you do to relax?

I masturbate.

Wow, I like this girl.

Everyone needs to find their inner peace, okay?

It's called chi. It's their energy flow, so.

Okay, what the fuck are you doing?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Ooh, I don't feel a vibration.

Okay, what the hell does that mean?

It means you're spiritually dead.

Yeah, no shit.

I'm in a pet store in Seymour, Indiana.

Tell me something I don't know.

Okay, so what do you do for fun?

Besides masturbate, not a lot of options.

In that case, I think maybe, uh,

you should call me sometime.

I'd rather grind my teeth down the side of a chalkboard.

- Wow. - Besides, I have a boyfriend.

- Really? - Yeah, you can go fuck off.

Oh, wow. Somebody needs to get laid.

Hey, your friend's talking to you.

Look, this place is killing you.

The energy here is very bad.

Well, I quit jobs for worst reasons than that.

Good luck.

All right. Can I get a couple of those?

Why are you so happy today?

I'm just tired.

Shouldn't you be at work?

Can we please talk about that later?

No, let's talk about it now.

Well, technically, yes.

Technically? What does that mean?

I quit, okay?

Are you kidding?

Okay.

Is there anything that you wanna talk about?

I just hate it here.

Look, I know that we don't have much,

but we do the best we can.

I don't mean here, I mean here in Seymour.

I can't pour any more ice cream cones

or sweep anymore floors or scoop any more goldfish.

I just can't.

Why don't you come work with me and Nana at the prison?

No offense, but I'd rather drink a bottle of arsenic.

Me too most days.

Do you think that this might have something to do

with something else?

I really, really don't wanna talk about that right now.

Look at me.

I know how much it hurts.

I loved my sister to death,

and you're the spitting image of her,

and that's not something that I can run away from.

Every time I look at you, I see her.

Your mother wrote those letters to share herself with you.

Just you, Diane.

I think you owe it to her to read them.

I know.

All right, I'm gonna go check on the brownies.

We'll talk about this later.

God, I missed you.

I missed you, too.

What's wrong?

The pet store sucked anyway.

How does this keep happening?

Shut up, okay?

You sound just like my aunt.

I just, Diane, I've had one job since we graduated.

You've had like 10.

I mean, you're just gonna run outta places

to work around here.

Yeah, well, maybe that's a good thing.

How is that a good thing?

Because I fucking hate it here.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Look at it outside.