The IT Crowd

Transcript : Sixe, Anyone. Synchro & cut. : Sixe, Anyone.

1x05 - The Haunting of Bill Crouse

OK.

Here we go.

Sit properly?

Cheers.

Bill?

Mick Hucknall.

Hey, this is fun.

- It's been a good night so far. - Yes, it's been really good, yeah.

Yeah, I'll be honest, when Julie suggested

we get together, I was like no.

you know, I get set up a lot

by friends, and it never works out.

Tell me about it. Me too.

You know, I hate dates usually.

They should call dates "Spend some time with a big fat loser!"

But this has been brilliant.

Hey...

I was thinking, afterwards,

maybe you'd like to

come back to my place?

We could listen to the new Jamie Cullum album.

Maybe, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, that'd be... really nice actually.

Great.

Let me guess...

You're a...

red wine person?

Yes, yes I am!

I would be too, if we could get some service round here!

Yeah, you, Hucknall.

When you, when you Simply Ready?

Unbelievable.

Oh, I should say, um,

I don't really like sharing.

So you get what you want, I'll get what I want

we leave it at that. I just think it's a lot less confusing.

Sure, sure.

- Did you say Jamie Cullum? - Yeah.

I hate Jamie Cullum.

Oh, and, just to say,

"I don't really like sharing."

With the rising inflection and everything.

In a tapas restaurant, he doesn't like sharing.

What the heck is tapas?

You know, tapas,

- tiny food from Spain. - Oh, yes.

- Teipas. - Yeah, that's no how you say it.

Yes it is.

You're a teipas.

What else? What else?

What else?

Oh God, you should have seen him with the waiters.

- Rude? - Unbelievable!

Oh yeah, I used to work as a waiter.

If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.

Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?

No, after.

Of course before! Why would I do it after?

Do you think they did that to him?

Okay, well. While he was eating,

did you ear anyone laughing?

Like... in the kitchen area.

Yes!

Yes I did, actually, yes I did.

That'll be trouser food.

- Oh God! - Yeah.

Probably a good thing you weren't sharing.

My God!

I could have saved you the trouble.

That guy is famous, he's a mouth.

They call him "The News"

because he was always talking about who he slept with.

I would honestly rather sleep with a rat.

Literally.

The thing I cannot understand yet, this:

this is a man Julie on 5th thinks is perfect for me,

I mean what was she thinking?

Wait a second.

- Who do you know on 5th? - Why?

What was the name, was it Judy or Julie?

Why do you need to know?

No reason.

Lots of nice looking girls on fifth.

Looking for an in, aren't we?

An in? No!

Thank you, no.

Don't use my name to start leching around on 5th.

For your information, I do not lech

I have a little more class than that, thank you very much.

- Post. - Thank you.

Oh no, this is wrong.

A lingerie catalogue for a Cathy Morgan Foreman.

I'll make sure that Cathy gets it.

Cathy Morgan Foreman, who is Cathy Morgan Foreman?

Cathy works in...

Cathy works in the department of Shulupust.

- Department of what? - Oh excuse me, that's my phone ringing.

- I didn't hear anything? - It's on vibrate.

Hello?

Hello, Cathy!

Yes, you parcel did arrive, I'm keeping it here safe for you.

No problem at all Cathy Morgan Foreman.

If he comes by...

Right. If who comes by?

The News.

Yes, right?

If he calls,

just tell him something.

- Leave it with me! - Great!

Although I should just say I'm not very good at lying.

I'm very good at lying.

I thought you were on the phone!

Yeah, I am.

Yes, that's fine.

Hello?

Listen Moss, you're not going to Court, yeah?

Just tell him something.

It's just... I've never been very good at judging the scale

- of the lie... - Yes, stop over thinking everything.

- I couldn’t do it when I was a child, - You're getting yourself in a tease,

I told a whopper and...

Just tell him I'm busy!

You're busy!

That's brilliant!

Just don't let him in here under any circumstances.

No!

You're busy!

Hey, um, what was the name of that girl,

that Jen knows, was it Julie or Judy?

Yes, one of those.

Okay, I'm just going to go for a letch on fifth.

Yes.

Look! I told you she's busy!

Hey, back off, bastard! This lady's busy!

Too busy for you.

Busy!

Brilliant!

- Hello? - Hello!

I'm just looking for Jen.

I'm afraid Jen can't see you at the moment.

She's very busy.

- Is she? - She's a busy Miss Lizzy!

Good bye!

What is she doing?

She's doing fine.

Not how is she doing, what is she doing?

- Is she in here? - No.

I won't keep her, I want to give her these.

- Don't give her. - I'll give her these.

- She won't like them. - She won't mind!

She will mind.

It's not a problem. I won't take any time.

Look, why can't I go in?

Because she's dead!

What?

Yeah, she's dead. She... she died.

She died last night.

She died?!

Yeah!

Completely.

Oh God!

Fuck!

I just can't believe it!

Well, I'd hardly make up something like that, would I?

No, no of course, of course not.

Oh God!

Well, she was a bit off at the restaurant.

I mean...

Was it the food?

- The tapas, do they know? - Teipas!

I don't know.

Yes it was, why not.

Oh Jesus!

I know it's terrible, but,

thank God, we weren't sharing.

I just can't get over it.

Yeah, well,

we all have to go sometime.

It's terrible, it's just terrible!

It's bloody awful!

She was so beautiful!

She was some piece of ass.

Anyhow, can't mourn all the ruddy day, so...

You know...

I was the last person to sleep with her.

- Really? She said that... - What?

She said she was looking forward to sleeping with you.

I can't believe he lied like that.

Doesn't he realise that lying can lead to very serious ramifications?

Hello?

Hello!

I'm Roy!

I.T.

My boss has assigned me to any work you might want done...

personally.

personal... personally.

Basically, if you want to

just take my card.