Spanish Affair (Ocho apellidos vascos)

SPANISH AFFAIR

You want anything?

I need a kalimotxo to put up with this.

You're not in Euskadi, Amaia.

You don't say! Really?

I was so sure we were in Hernani.

Come on, let's try to have some fun.

You could've taken me to Donosti,

with a stripper and a dick on my head.

"Have some fun", the way I love Andalusians and hair gel.

That was the joke about the hen party.

What do we call this now?

It isn't a hen party any more.

So, what is it?

You should know, you dragged me here

and dressed me like a halfwit.

Why let Antxon ruin the trip too?

You want kalimotxo or not'?

I can't take this rebujete.

Well, you've had six or seven.

Are you keeping score?

What a wonder and what a delight.

Hurrah for fino, manzanilla and beautiful girls.

They must have left Heaven's gates open,

- because I see... - Some angels?

I hope one is a guardian angel

because I would really love to slap you hard...

What?

You can't treat everyone like that because of Antxon.

We said we wouldn't talk about him.

What fantastic women, Joaquin.

Those three, Currito? Forget it.

Why? Boyfriends? Even better.

- Worse! - Worse? Dykes?

- Worse! - Worse?

They must be Basque.

One moment, please.

Can we have some silence? Sit down, please.

I'm being asked to tell some jokes, as only I can

and all I want is to put a smile on the faces of these women.

You're the prettiest in Andalusia. Ole, ole and ole!

Here's the first one.

These two Basques meet

and one says: "Hey, Patxi,

I hear your daughter's in bed with gonorrhoea."

The other says: "I don't care! As long as he's Basque..."

No, don't clap, you'll break my rhythm.

I shouldn't say it, but I'm really nailing the Basque accent.

Another one. These two from Bilbao meet,

and one says:

"Kepa, I hear you won 100 million on the lottery."

The other says: "Just what I bet".

Very funny jokes. Really shit hot.

You're such a wit. You have such flair here.

But I think that, to give us a real laugh,

you should go fuck yourself.

Have some respect, eh?

You may be from the Basque Provinces...

Yeah, from the fucking Gonorrhoea family!

The Basque Provinces! The ignorance of these people.

Bunch of layabouts!

You only get up from the siesta to go partying.

What?

Why don't you go home and lift some stones

or whatever you Basques do to relax?

- You seem... - What?

...a bit tense. The fun's over.

Don't touch me, dago, I'll report you!

Gora Euskadi, fuck you all! Don't touch me!

You're going out on the street and get an earful!

Wait a minute...

- My friends are there! - I don't care.

No! Don't...! No! Hey!

- Let go of me! - You've got no business here.

Take it easy, eh?

Go on, get out! And don't come back!

Don't worry, I'll never be back in Seville.

- Are you looking at my ass? - Why would I look at your ass?

You were looking at it.

You should be so lucky that I'd like you.

You'll like me if I say so!

Come on.

Hey, Rafa, where were you?

I knew you were with the Basque girl,

or I'd have thought you'd hit on someone else.

- Did you screw her? - No, no, but it doesn't count.

We just slept.

Why doesn't it count?

Sleeping with a Basque is like screwing a girl from Mélaga three times.

I'll make supper for you another day, OK?

- You brought her home? - Yes.

Are you crazy? Why did you do that?

She could be an ETA terrorist!

An ETA terrorist? Are you nuts?

Wasn't she wearing flounces?

How else would she come here?

With a balaclava and a Basque flag?

I'll tell you something.

I bet she's looking for a "show house" in Seville.

- Don't you mean a "safe house"? - Not with her in it!

Don't give her any bottles.

That lot make Molotov cocktails in a nanosecond.

You're out of your mind.

Shit, you left the door open.

I don't want her to remember my face.

I closed it.

You bastard! I believed you!

"The Dude"...

I knew it was impossible to make out with a Basque.

She was here a minute ago.

For fuck's sake, Rafa! For fuck's sake!

Careful, there might be a bomb in there.

Are you sure this is a woman's purse?

There's no lipstick or mascara or anything.

Basque women don't wear make-up.

Joaquin, you saw her,

she could be Miss Euskadi.

Miss Euskadi? They don't have that.

Go on, tell him. Listen to this, Currito.

I want to give it back.

To the police?

No, to her.

Didn't you say that she's back in her village now?

Yes, well, there.

Are you crazy? You've never left Andalusia.

Shit, I've... I've fallen in love.

How could you fall in love with a Basque?

You've never been in love!

What do you two know? All I know is that

there's unfinished business between us.

You're unfinished business.

Take that thing and erase our details.

I bet she put us in there.

You have to check the numbers on the mobile

before you head off.

No, don't call, the battery's almost dead.

"Aita, Aita". "Aita" is something.

Pedrito, "aita" is something in their language, right?

"Aita" is "Father". Like in "father and mother".

Pedro...

I'm waiting to see if she calls. The battery's low.

Shut up, it's ringing.

It's dead.

You three are a great help. Thanks a lot.

Don't take your car.

I did my military service in Irún and mine was scratched 4 or 5 times.

The Basques love that. It's a custom.

I think it's a lot quieter up there now.

Another one who believes in that trick treaty.

The Basques can't stand the sight of Andalusians.

They're taught that in baby Basque school.

That and making Molotov cocktails.

Take two days, Rafa, and you'll forget her.

That's right.

That's just what I need: two days.

It'll take me two clays to bring her to Seville.

Plus, it isn't her fault she's Basque.

You're letting him go? Grab him, you're strong.

I've known him since he was a kid.

He's incapable of going to the Basque Provinces.

"BASQUE WITHOUT FEAR"

The Basques can't stand the sight of Andalusians.

Not even the sight of us!

WELCOME TO THE BASQUE COUNTRY

JOAQUIN MOBILE NUMBER

THURSDAY 6 JUNE REAL BETIS FOOTBALL CLUB

Where are you from?

Who, me? Where do you...

I'm Basque, from here.

Not from here specifically, but I'm Basque.

Aupa. Agur.

Yeah.

What are you? Andalusian?

Hey, watch it, I didn't insult you.

Calm down, I'm from Céceres.

Are you from Cérdoba?

How could I possibly be from Cérdoba?

I'm Basque. But if I was Andalusian, I'd be Sevillian, not Cordoban.

I'm Sevillian, from Santa Cruz.

I was at the Expo with my husband.

- Wasn't the Polish pavilion lovely? - Yes, it was.

I was dying to meet someone here who wasn't from Argoitia.

Come to the house one day and I'll make "migas".

Mine are delicious.

I've got a question.

Where is this street? "Gasteiz".

You have to get out in two stops.

Have you come here for this girl?

No, I'm just visiting for a few days.

Right. So, you're in love.

Head over heels.

Too bad, we've arrived just when we're getting acquainted.

Will you come to my house tomorrow?

Look, that's it.

The truth is, I'm only here for a few days.

That's what I said too.

I'll be waiting for you with the "migas". Goodbye.

Goodbye, love.

Agur, blondie.

LEAVE THE BASQUE COUNTRY IN PEACE