Twisted Metal

- Oh, yeah. You're ready to murder.

Come on, dammit.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

- Stress wrenching, huh?

I figured you was over here wrenching

because of your fine-ass sister,

which I get.

But now that I see your sorry-ass face,

it ain't all grief.

You lookin' guilty as a motherfucker.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right?

I did something behind Quiet's back.

- So? - So?

I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, man.

I never lied to her before. - Hold up.

You saying you never lied to your girl before?

No.

Hey! What you doing, man?

- Just checking to see if your bitch ass

got any nuts down there.

- You're going to get your answer

when I smoke your rusty ass.

- You make a run at me, I will end you.

Coroner gonna list your cause of death as everything.

Feel me?

Mm-hmm.

Mine.

- Heh, good morning, Quiet.

Sorry, I slept in.

I forgot how good a pillow feels.

Is that our gun?

- Ah, don't worry about it. We'll get another one.

Roadkill was begging for some upgrades,

so I figured I'd just jump on it.

- You're in a very good mood. It's weird.

- I'm just excited to get out there

and show these losers what Quohn can do.

It's Quiet and John.

- No, I will not be participating in Quohn.

- Th-th-that's fine. Quohn's in the rearview.

Fuck Quohn!

Roadkill is ready to go.

The last thing we need to figure out

is the boomerang blast.

Now do we mount it,

or do we keep it in the back for emergencies?

Back.

- It's going to be very hard to kill someone

with a gun that heavy.

- I'll have you know, I've killed tons of people

with a gun just like this,

dozens of dudes.

I'm a frickin' murder slut.

- So should we, uh--

- No, no, she's not our responsibility.

We just have to focus on the mission.

Right, the mission.

- Damn, there are some tight buttholes in here.

- We will be killing each other soon.

- You're outsiders. So what else is new?

Hey, Stretch Armstrong.

What's your sicky little wishy?

- Bitch, I ain't telling you shit.

What if it's birthday cake rules?

If I say my wish, it won't come true.

Hmm.

- We wish for the same thing as all parents.

For our child to grow up happy, loved,

and wanting for nothing.

Nothing except the end of this world

and the rise of a new reality formed from his image.

How about you?

Let me guess. A complexion?

I wish to feel warm again.

- Well, you might if you stop lugging around

those massive fucking igloos. Holy shit.

- You guys talking about wishes? Overrated.

I don't even want one. You know why?

'Cause I'm living the fucking dream.

I told my bestie over here, and I was like,

I don't want the pressure. You make the wish.

I don't want to be on the hook for it.

- And my wish-- - Guess what I wished for!

I wished to exterminate humanity,

let somebody else take over for once.

- Now you see the shit I gotta put up with?

This freak got me smelling like Raid cologne.

- I wished for the ability to fly.

Pretty sick, right?

I was going to wish for a girthy ten-incher,

but, you know, I've never had any complaints.

- I find that hard to believe.

- So what did you wish for then?

- Oh, yes, I'm dying to know.

- To bring down the city walls.

- Which walls? - Of which cities?

All of them.

When we win, all the walls will come down.

- Damn. You're making us all look bad over here.

- We just think insiders and outsiders

should finally be on an even playing field.

- Yeah. It's time for the outsiders

to get their fair share.

- I knew you two were stupid,

but I didn't realize you were naive.

It'd be cute if it weren't so sad.

- It's not naive to fight for a better world.

- Oh, listen to yourself.

Do you think you're some kind of superhero?

Not with that greasy hair.

- O-kay, I think you look great.

And that's not objectifying. I'm just supporting.

- People need walls. It simplifies things.

You're either one or the other, inside or out.

- Look, all of your wishes

are fucking stupid, okay?

Me, I'm gonna be invincible.

- Ooh, widdle baby wants to be invincible?

Hey, hey, why don't you wish for a diaper,

so you don't shit yourself and run away?

- Hey, we got plenty of diapers if you need 'em.

Fuck off!

Welcome!

To the much anticipated first round

of the Twisted Metal tournament.

12 cars will enter my labyrinth,

but alas, there are only eight exit passes

hidden throughout.

Be sure to snag one,

because if you attempt to leave the area without it,

well, you'll be killed instantly.

This is warehouse district warfare.

You'll know where a pass is hidden

by the pillars of red smoke.

All except for you, John and Quiet.

You two finished last in my qualifier,

so I decided to spice things up a bit

and give you two a small advantage

for today's bloody festivities.

This is a radar

displaying the precise location of all eight passes.

Cheaters!

And that's not all.

You'll also be getting a one minute head start.

This is bullshit!

Do you have a problem

with the way I'm running my game, Raven?

Good.

I hope you and your vehicles are ready, my drivers,

because it's time for the tournament to begin!

**

**

- So, what do you think, it's like a compass,

one of those arrow things?

Yo, maybe it's a line

that shows you what road to drive down.

That'll be sick!

- Whatever it is, I don't think it's worth

the target you put on our backs.

- Come on. Giving us an advantage

is like giving a lion a submachine gun.

We're going to crush this round.

And the next round we're going to destroy,

and the round after that

better kiss its sorry ass goodbye.

- Okay, well, let's just focus on this round first.

Focus?

- I thought she should come with us.

To remind us of the mission.

She would want to be here.

Here we go.

- Roadkill, your one minute begins now!

Let's tear this shit up.

[tires squealing, engine revving]

Okay.

Looks like the closest pass is east.

Turn right here.

Got it.

- Dude, turn! - Got it!

- Not left, right!

Shit, John. Take the next left.

Got it.

John!

John, you good? - Yeah.

I have a great idea.

How about you drive and I do the map thing?

- But I drove last time. - I know, but, uh,

this is really important, and I really love maps.

- All right. - Okay.

- Ow. Jeez, ow! Oh, fuck. What the fuck, John?

My bad.

Jesus.

We can't blow this head start.

Stand down, Stu.

- Oh, good, 'cause we're running out of this stuff.

- No, this isn't about conservation.

Yesterday, I really lost my cool.

But you've inspired me to not hold grudges.

- So you don't hate Grimm anymore?