A Simple Favor

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

Today, as promised,

I am gonna share my zucchini

chocolate chip cookie recipe.

But first, many of you

have asked me for an update

on the Emily situation.

And for those of you

who are new to my vlog,

you should know my best friend

Emily is missing right now.

She asked me a simple favor -

to pick up her son Nicky

from school...

...which was five days ago

and she hasn't come back yet, so...

I'm sorry. We're all really worried.

And I'm doing everything I can

to help the police track her down.

But I'm realizing I don't know her as well as I thought I did.

It's like my mom used to say,

God rest her soul, um,

"Secrets are like margarine,

"easy to spread, bad for the heart."

But as different as we are,

I do consider Emily my best friend.

She is this wonderful, elegant person.

And our sons brought us together, actually.

Well, you know, for our new friends,

I'll just start from the beginning.

I met Emily a few weeks ago at school.

It was International Cuisine Day

in my son's first grade class.

And once again, I drew Sweden,

which meant my famous meatless meatballs.

You're all dead! I killed everyone!

Not me. I came back to life.

I want to thank everyone who participated in today's feast.

Yay!

Class, haven't we learned so much

about food from all around the world?

Yes!

Give your parents a big round of applause.

That looks great!

- Big smile! Oh, my gosh.

Where does she get all that energy from?

What are you looking at?

I think there's crystal meth in those meatballs.

Oh, parents, there's a sign-up sheet on the board

for our Fun Fair next week.

Uh, please, Stephanie, don't sign up for more than one job.

I'm not sure everyone else has had a chance to volunteer.

Miles, sweetie, sweetie, maybe just be careful

with your fingers with Nicky's truck, okay?

- Has Nicky's mom volunteered? - Emily? Please.

She wouldn't know a sign-up sheet if it bit her on the ass.

God, it'd be my dream to run PR for Dennis Nylon.

Can you imagine all the free shit she must get?

I know. - Okay.

I'm crossing myself off decorations.

I can leave that open for Emily, then if she can't make it,

I can still bring my balloons and helium tank.

Please tell me you don't actually own a helium tank.

I think lots of people own helium tanks, Stacy,

'cause kids love balloons.

Do you not have one? You a bad parent?

I'm kidding.

We're terrible parents.

I think it's a perfect plan, Stephanie.

Good thinking, Stephanie.

Hey, Smooch!

Oh, great work today, Smooch.

Smooch?

- Thanks a lot, Mom. - Oh.

Can me and Miles have a play date today?

Um, I don't know, sweetie.

I think we need to ask your mommy

and she's still in the city.

She's right there.

Come here, little dude.

Oh, my baby! (KISSES)

Look at your shirt. Did any food make it into your mouth?

Ask her, Nicky! Ask her!

- Ask me what? We want a play date.

Oh, we can't, Mommy already has a play date

with a symphony of anti-depressants.

- Let's go. Play date! Play date!

- Play date! - Baby, please don't do this.

I gotta go. Come on. I got a ton of work to do.

- You don't let me have any fun. - That's not true.

I let you tear my labia

as you exited my body, so you're welcome.

Do you drink? I need a martini.

Oh! Uh... Yeah. I like martinis.

I haven't had one in a long time. They're good, though.

I had one that was, like, mostly chocolate

and I was like, "Alcohol and chocolate?

"Oh, mom life!"

Oh, okay. No play date. Come on, kid, let's go.

- Then I'm staying here. - Christ, he's fucking stubborn.

It doesn't have to have the chocolate in it, like...

Okay, I don't think I'm gonna win this, so, um...

I mean, do you wanna come over for a beverage of any kind?

I think I could use some backup.

That's me? I'm backup?

Does your kid drink, maybe?

I mean, it's never too early to start teaching them.

I think you're joking, but great.

- Sweetie... - Hey, you, let's go.

Let's get your umbrella out, okay?

'Cause we're gonna go out in the rain.

What on Earth are those two gonna talk about?

Emily's gonna eat poor Stephanie alive.

At least she'd be eating something.

-(GIRL BABBLING) - What is your problem?

Go show him your room. Go.

Oh, please don't run!

Be safe please!

Cute socks.

Oh, thanks!

They're from Target. It's 10 bucks a pack.

- It's so great, Target. - Yeah.

They have other animals.

They have these squirrel ones that are cute,

they have chipmunks, beavers...

That's so...lifelike.

Yeah. Do you like it?

How could you not? It's, um...

Right?

Yeah, I used to dye my hair. I get bored easily.

Yeah. Um...

- Did you paint that? - No. No, no.

It's made by an almost-famous painter.

- From the East Village. -(MELLOW FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS)

My life is littered with almost-somebodies.

I did some art modeling in school

to pay my way through.

Then the pervert got obsessed with me.

Oh, well, that happens, yeah.

So I stole the painting, you know,

thinking it'd be worth something someday.

But no. (CLICKS TONGUE) No such luck.

This house is incredible.

Thanks. It's a fucking money pit.

- Oopsy. - Hmm?

Oh, sorry, it's, um,

what we say at my house when someone swears.

It's a force of habit.

We have an...an 'oopsy' jar in the pantry.

It's like, you know, put a quarter in for every bad word.

You should smash the 'oopsy' jar.

- It might change your life. - Yeah. Ugh! Sorry.

Don't say sorry. You don't need to do that.

You don't need to apologize. It's a fucked-up female habit.

You don't need to be sorry for anything, ever.

That's...that's true. That's great advice.

Thank you.

I love this music, by the way.

Thanks. Yeah.

Makes me forget I'm stuck in this shithole.

- I'm gonna go get booze. - Great!

(MELLOW MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

I was really caught up in the ambiance.

Come on, give me a little more.

Ooh! (LAUGHS)

No, I liked it. I may join you later.

Oh! You must love cooking in this kitchen.

No, not really. Sean does.

I think it's probably just an excuse to avoid writing.

- Your husband's a writer? - No.

He wrote a book 10 years ago.

It made him the toast of the town.

I actually had to stalk him to make him fall in love with me.

But then nothing. He never wrote anything ever again.

- It's the old bait-and-switch. - What was the book?

It's called 'Darkness at Dawn'.

Oh, my gosh! I read that in my book club.

- Really? - This was... Yeah.

This was back when I first became a single mom.

I joined this book club and that was the first book we read.

It's... Oh, it's so impressive.

So you're divorced, then?

Widowed.

Do you mind if I ask how he died?

Car accident.

- Oh. How awful. - Yeah.

My brother Chris was in the passenger seat, so...

You're kidding.

One fell swoop, and the two

most important men in my life were gone.

Normally, sad stories don't get to me.

But that one...that one did. That was brutal.

I don't talk about it a lot,

especially with people I just met.

I'm really sorry. Oh! Mmm...

Baby, if you apologize again,

I'm gonna have to slap the sorry out of you.

Yeah. That's... I'm not sorry.

That's a hard habit to break, though.

It is.