The Life & Times of Tim

Welcome home, Tim.

Thank you. It's nice to be back...

It's great to have you here.

...even though I never stopped paying the rent.

Anyway, I got you a little gift.

Oh! It's a bag of fruit?

No, it's a fruit basket. Except it's in a bag.

- So it's a fruit bag? - No, it's not a fruit... you don't call it that.

- It's fine. - All right.

I got you a present too.

Now I feel bad about the fruit.

I just wanted to do something nice.

It's your first night back.

All right, let's see what we got.

Whoa, look at that thing.

Do you like it?

- When do you wear this? - It's a nightshirt.

Like Ebenezer Scrooge?

- Um... - Wasn't he known for this look?

No, my grandfather used to wear them.

So it's kinda like this sentimental thing for me.

Oh, that's a little weird.

He said it made him feel free down there.

I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.

- I mean, he told my grandmother. - He said that to you?

And she told my mom. And then my mom told me.

Your family talks about these things?

Listen, Tim, I really want this to work out this time.

As do I.

- Um, so I'm going out. - You're going out?

- I have this work thing. - Oh.

We made the plans before you and I got back together.

- It's okay, right? - Oh, yeah. No.

I'm just gonna put on the nightshirt and kick back.

That is not a good look for me.

This is going back first thing in the morning.

What is that?

Oh no.

Blobsnark, come. Leave the fire flames.

But, Papa, my little white kitty cat.

There is no time for the kitty.

We will celebrate his soul in the afterlife. But now we must leave.

- Sergeant Tibbs! Papa, no! - Blobsnark, get it together.

- What's going on out here? - Tim!

There is chaos, there is flames. We must leave.

Someone must save my kitty cat Sergeant Tibbs!

Calm down. Don't panic. Everyone get out.

I'll tell the firefighters. Let's get to safety.

- Papa! - Let's do it. Everybody out.

Sir, excuse me. Can you please help me?

- No, we're getting out of here. - No no no, stop.

- I need you to carry this hose for me. - I gotta get moving here.

Yeah, I know, it's just a few more steps.

There's five steps and I've inhaled some smoke.

I'm a firefighter, sir. I'm a firefighter.

- Why don't you fight the fire? - I'm a female firefighter.

I'm gonna get outside where it's not so hot.

Do you know how hot it is in this garment?

That's your chosen profession.

Shh! Sir, I'm asking you to stop talking.

I'm asking you to pick up the hose, put it on your back

and carry it up the stairs while I get some air.

What do I do? Hose on my shoulder?

Carry it up the stairs.

- I'm fighting a fire. - You're doing great.

All right, fire's out. It was just a grease fire. No need for all the drama.

- All right, we haven't got much time. - Now we don't have time?

Sir, you were a hero back there.

- Thank you. - But only you and I can know about it.

'Cause I'm a woman and they're looking for any excuse to kick me off of this force.

I have to be twice as good as men.

- I know. - And that's what I do, all right?

- I'm twice as good. - I wouldn't say that.

Sir, I need you to swear that you're not gonna say anything.

- Okay? - Let's just get out.

Look me in the eyes. Swear on that cat's life.

- Swear on the cat's life? - Yes, right now.

No, Mr... Colonel Tibbs?

For your country, sir. Swear, please.

Fine. I swear on the cat's life.

Great. You know what's gonna be even better for me right now, sir?

- What? - I need you to let me carry you out.

- Carry me? - Let me just pick you up.

Don't get greedy. I'm playing along.

Can you even lift me? You couldn't lift the hose.

What do you weigh, a buck and a quarter?

I weigh what all grown men weigh.

128? You're lighter than the hose, sir. Let's go.

Why does our culture use so much oil for cooking?

Now we know, Papa. Do not punish yourself.

Sergeant Tibbs!

Firefighter coming through carrying a man and a cat.

Okay, people, hero's a woman. Get in there, people.

- Go go! - No, no pictures.

- Tim? - Hey, Amy.

How was your work thing?

It's like carrying a sandwich.

This is a nice place they put us up in.

- Yeah. - Good insurance.

- I guess. - Must have been worried about your...

- your man caught in the flames. - Of course I was.

Yeah. What do people do now?

Some kind of getting-naked-post-fire-

glad-you're-alive- relief-sex stuff?

You know, Tim, I just can't get that image of you being carried out

by that female firefighter out of my head.

Why? Just let it go.

- Aren't you kind of embarrassed? - Me? No.

From my point of view, it felt pretty masculine.

The whole thing felt like I was almost like a firefighter myself.

But you were being carried out of the building.

People carry each other. Don't harp on that.

It seemed a little more sort of pathetic to me.

What are you talking about? Because I was wearing the nightshirt?

No, it was not the nightshirt.

I told you the nightshirt is a weird look for me.

No, it was definitely you, not the shirt.

- It was me, not the shirt. - Yeah.

Honestly, there's... there's a little more to the story,

but I swore on the life of a cat so I can't really elaborate.

- Ah, Tim. - Hey, how's that coffee?

- What? - How you doing? Good morning?

- What else? - What do people say in the morning?

I don't know. You're doing it.

- Are we just hanging out and chatting? - Sure.

- What are we doing exactly? - We're just looking at the paper.

Gonna look at the first page.

There's a photograph. Oh, a big old photograph, what's that?

- Oh no. - Oh yeah.

They printed it up?

It's everywhere, Tim. It's on the side of buses.

- That's crazy. - Right.

That's a retouching job.

- Really? - She wasn't smoking.

It's an iconic photo. Of course she was smoking.

- Everybody smokes. - It's not iconic. It happened yesterday.

I'm just curious what... what is that, a muu muu?

- What are you wearing there? - Some would call it a nightshirt.

- A nightshirt? - In olden times.

Are you from the past?

I'm not. It's a gift. It was a gift.

Tim, you need to make this go away.

- You need to... - I agree.

You need to wipe it clean.

You need to do something strong.

- All right. Lift something, or... - What?

I don't know. What have you been talking about?

What are you talking about, lift something?

Why don't you lift up the chair?

What's that gonna do? Fix the problem.

All right. I'm on it.

Strength, Rodney, strength.

- Strong stuff. - Body building.

Dead-lifting anchors.

What about, you know, biting through human bone?

- This is not helping. - Catching a bullet with your teeth.

What about lifting... whoa whoa whoa.

No no. Why is she there?

- Shh. - So help me set the scene here.

How did this iconic photo come to be?

See, I was dragging the hose up the landing.

That's where I found what appeared to be a gay drag queen

crying in the corner. And I hear a cat meowing

and I think "I've got to save both of them. How am I gonna do it?"

This woman is out of control.

I don't know who was crying louder, Tim or the cat.

That's great.

This does not make me look good, does it?

Very few things do, Tim.

- Yeah. - I think I gotta blow the whistle on this.

- I'd blow it hard. - Yeah, "The Insider. " Russell Crowe.

- Yeah. - There's a strong guy... Russell Crowe.

Ooh, fighting Russell Crowe. That would be a feat of strength.

Punch him in the face and see what happens.

What do you owe someone who made you swear

on the life of a cat under false pretenses?

I don't think I understand the question.

All right, I'm gonna do it.

This is coming to an end... a swift end.

Hey, guys. I'm looking for Nancy.

- Oh, fucking A. Son of a bitch. - Jesus Christ!

Shit. Fucking... so sick of hearing about Nancy.

I'll come back later.

I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you at first.

It's the weakling that she saved.

- No. - Oh!

- Yeah. - Little penis.

That was uncalled for.

So where's Nancy?

She's at the big ceremony in her honor...

a ribbon-cutting and Legend of the Month.

Oh my God, I wanna throw up.

There's a legend every month? That's a lot of legends.

Six women in a row. I mean, it's ridiculous.

And here we are, male firefighters,

just reduced to taking our shirts off for calendars.

Right, we're just polishing our own poles around here.

- Fucking Nancy. - Can you see the anger in my face?

I am not taking this well at all.

- What's your problem, dude? - Oh, am I steamed.