Rick and Morty

'Sup, baby?

Let's do some liquor science.

Um, hey, Rick.

Rick!

Rick! Are you ignoring me?

Hey! Hello! Rick!

Did you go deaf?

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God!

Whoa!

Morty! What the fuck?

I didn't -- I didn't mean to!

What the fuck?

Tell me why you ignored a sign that said "do not disturb."

I -- it's not important.

It better be. You just destroyed my distillery.

So either it's an emergency, or it's important.

And it better be real fuckin' important

because this was the most important thing to me today.

So what did you come down here for?

I was wondering if you could drive me

to pick up some Pokemon cards.

I'm sorry.

Have you ever seen me happy, Morty?

What? Uh, I mean, not really.

Well, I've been happy in my life.

And, look, there's no point on the chart

where my joy intersects with your presence.

Then why hang out with me?

I don't know. When I found you,

you were bait. When I killed that fish,

maybe I should have cut the line.

Because all I have now is a fucking worm.

You told me that wasn't true. You're just trying to hurt me.

Morty, no. I meant...

Fuck!

God damn it.

This would be the perfect time for a drink.

Pressure reader. Fermentation chamber.

Copper lining. Wow. Morty blew all this up?

What's a mash tun?

Just get an empty beer keg for that.

I'll also need 60 gallon drums.

Okay. Up front, I'm gonna buy myself some

shit since I'm running your errand.

Deal.

Ooh. Can I get a little surprise?

No. The Amex automatically blocks you, Jerry.

How does it know I'm using the card?

Because of the kind of stuff you buy.

What do I buy?

Dumb stuff. Dumb stuff.

Computer, replace potato.

The only Grimaldian potato in the galaxy is here.

God damn it!

Let's go.

No, thanks. You're just gonna yell at me.

Morty, what if I told you I have a thing that'll make it

so you never hear me scream at you again?

Wait. For real? What kind of thing?

Rick, what the hell?!

Oh! Ah!

Rick, what did you do?

It's a Sympathid, a species

that generates unlimited empathy in its hosts.

No matter what I say or do,

the Sympathid will gloss over it

like a Disney edit of a slasher movie.

Here, watch.

You're a worthless piece of shit, Morty!

I'm so disappointed in you. Rick, fuck you!

I can still hear you screaming.

Okay, it must need to burrow a little bit deeper.

There we go. Let's try again.

You're a piece of sh...

...work, Morty!

Like a golden retriever. A Rick's best friend.

And when I call you a disappointment,

it's because I believe you can be so much better than you are.

How's that? Pretty good, huh?

It nibbles on your empathy centers

and poops out something much stronger.

Wait. It eats my empathy? Don't worry.

We'll only keep it in long enough to win a potato together.

Wait. We have to win one. How do we --

By dancing with the stars!

Oh!

Uh...

Hey. It's okay.

Focus on my hips.

That's where my center of gravity is.

I don't know, Rick.

You've got this. I believe in you.

You two are up.

And now performing "Claier de Lune: Epic Remix"

from the "Godzilla: King of the Monsters" trailer,

Rick Sanchez and his partner Morty Smith.

Huzzah! A triumph in movement.

Rick, I did it! I caught you.

I knew you could do it, buddy!

Congratulations, newest champions.

Here is your reward.

One perfect Grimaldian potato.

And did you see when we nailed that triple spin?

Your timing was metronomic, Morty.

And then when I caught you -- oh.

Oh, all of that was the Sympathid, wasn't it?

Did we actually dance or...

The dancing was real. The trust, the connection,

not so much.

It was real nice to to feel like that with you.

Well, it can't stay in there forever.

There's a bit of a comedown.

What kind of comedown -- aah!

I feel like shit.

Wow, it's so nice outside.

Stop guilting me!

Oh, my God. This is our fifth Home Depot.

I'm tired of depots.

I'm not going home without those drums.

It's the last thing we need on Grandpa Rick's list.

Maybe we should have done all the Rick shopping

before we went Summer shopping.

I wasn't going to miss out on that Gucci x Kellogg's drop.

Also, I didn't know everyone was gonna be out of 60 gallon drums.

What the shit?

That dude's hoarding all the drums!

Why is this guy such a drum hog?

I'm looking for the Petco. My dog needs...

Ah!

Oh, he's a serial killer.

Jesus! We go to rescue that girl.

We got to call the cops.

Are you kidding? Those drums are evidence.

The cops will take them all.

I need you to follow my lead.

These hatchbacks, huh?

Uh, is that a dead girl?

You got me.

Thought this rug would do the deed,

but it's clearly not working out.

Ooh. Now, those are a good idea. Mm.

Wish I'd thought of 60 gallon drums.

Yeah, yeah, they're kind of industry standard.

Is my face red? Amateur serial killer here.

Uh, you think maybe I could buy a couple off you?

Sure. Uh, retail price is 75 bucks.

Oh, thanks. Saved my night. Uh, here, I've got 100.

Uh, I don't have any change.

That's okay. Keep it.

No, no, I'm a killer, not a thief.

Look, I've got plenty of change at my place.

It's right down the street.

Oh.

We got to save that girl.

We got to get those drums!

Hey, dipshit, get on the bus so I can make fun of you!

You've got the body of a 14 year old boy,

and I'm gonna beat the shit out of that body.

Bully is life! I'm gonna make you so fucking sad.

Yeah. Okay, pal. Good luck with that.

They're paycheck to paycheck,

but they keep voting against their own interests.

I see you. I know how much pain you're in.

It's not your fault.

And that's why the Boston Tea Party

sparked the American Revolution.

Holy integers! A raised hand.

This is why I only teach math.

History classes get you canceled.

I just wanted to say

that this history lesson looks a little different

when you empathize with all the parties involved.

You take a smart pill? You're too wise for a child.

Next time I have to sub,

maybe you should do the teaching.

We should talk about the real issue here, Mr. Goldenfold.

Your ex-wife. Call her.

You might not get another shot, but you'll at least get closure.

I wish you were my son.

Hey, can I talk about how I was bullied in high school

because of my last name?

There's time enough for everyone,

Principal Vagina.

Thanks for waiting. I had to unload the stuff.

Tea?

Sure.

Uh, I don't have to be worried about this, do I?

I don't know. Do you?

Let me get you that change for the drums.

Oh!

Hello? Please let me live.

I'll do anything!

Oh! You're alive.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Help! Help!

Shh, shh. Okay.

Uh, yeah. I'm gonna get you out of there.

Thank you. Thank you!

If you help me get these 60 gallon drums out of here.

Huh?