Ted

It has been said that magic vanished from our world

a long time ago,

and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires

through the power of wishes.

To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes,

submitted here is the story of a little boy

and a magical Christmas wish

that changed his life forever.

It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston.

It was Christmas Eve, and all the children were in high spirits.

That special time of year

when Boston children gather together

and beat up the Jewish kids.

Hey, Greenbaum!

Uh-oh.

It's Jesus' birthday tomorrow,

and you know what I'm gonna get him?

What?

My fist in your fucking face!

Why would Jesus want that?

Get him!

But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits.

Little John Bennett,

that one boy in every neighborhood

who just has a tough time making friends.

Hey, guys, can I play?

Get out of here, Bennett.

Get lost, Bennett!

Get out of here, Bennett!

Yeah, Bennett, get lost.

John longed with all his heart

for that one, true friend that he could call his own.

And he knew that if he ever found that friend,

he would never let him go.

Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came.

All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee.

And for little John Bennett,

Christmas Day brought a very special new arrival.

Wow!

I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year, huh?

Aw! Merry Christmas, John.

I love you!

He talks!

I'm going to name you Teddy.

John became instantly attached to Teddy.

There was something about that bear

that made him feel as if he finally had a friend

with whom he could share his deepest secrets.

I love you!

I love you, too, Teddy.

You know, I wish you could really talk to me.

Because then, we could be best friends forever and ever.

Now, if there's one thing you can be sure of,

it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish.

Except an Apache helicopter.

An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles.

It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry,

an absolute death machine.

Well, as it turned out,

John picked the perfect night to make a wish.

Teddy?

Teddy?

Teddy?

Hug me.

You're my best friend, John.

Did you... Did you just talk?

Don't look so surprised.

You're the one who wished for it, aren't you?

Yeah. I did wish for it.

Well, here I am.

You mean, we get to be best friends for real?

For real.

Forever and ever?

Sounds good to me.

John was just about the happiest boy in the world

and he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news.

Well, I think we've had a wonderful Christmas this year.

One of the best.

And I particularly enjoyed the gift you gave me last night.

Well, my big strong husband works so hard all year.

I figured you deserved a little Christmas treat.

I'd call it more than a little treat.

I think those veneers just make it a smoother ride for me.

Mmm. Well, that's how much I love you.

Seriously though, that was an outstanding blowjob.

Mom, Dad, guess what? My teddy bear's alive!

Really? Well, isn't that exciting.

No, Mom, he's really alive. Look.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Jesus H. Fuck!

Let's all be best friends.

Oh, my God!

John, get away from that thing. Get over here right now.

But, Dad... Get over here!

Listen to your father! Come here!

Helen, get my gun. Dad, no!

Is it a hugging gun?

Helen, get my gun, and call the police!

I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett, I didn't mean to scare anybody.

I just wanted John and I to be friends.

Yeah, Dad, I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive

and my wish came true.

Oh, my God!

It's a miracle.

It's a Christmas miracle.

You're just like the Baby Jesus.

Well, it wasn't long before the story of John's little miracle

was sweeping the nation.

Out of a Boston suburb

comes what is, without a doubt, the most incredible story...

A young boy's stuffed animal

has magically come to life for, as yet, unknown reasons...

Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!

Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity

in his own right.

Hello, Teddy.

You... You are a... You surprise me.

For some reason I thought you were going to be taller.

I thought you were going to be funnier.

You... What are your favorite television shows?

Um, I like Gimme a Break...

Dad. I want a teddy bear.

Hey! What did Daddy just get you for your birthday, huh?

- A rake. - That's right.

An excellent rake. A birthday rake.

So when you clean the yard, you don't have to pick up the leaves with your hands.

But, Dad. I want the bear on TV.

Donny. Shut up, will ya? Daddy's making love to New Mommy.

But, Daddy? Go to your hammock!

Do you ever watch this show?

Yeah. When Leno guest hosts.

But through all the fame,

Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John.

The thunder can't get us, right?

Nope, we're thunder buddies, and the thunder knows it.

We're totally safe.

Teddy?

Yeah, John?

Do you promise we'll always be together?

I promise.

Thunder buddies for life.

Thunder buddies for life.

And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot.

So, where are John and Teddy today?

Well, let me put it this way.

No matter how big a splash you make in this world,

whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,

or a talking teddy bear,

eventually, nobody gives a shit.

Do I dare look at the clock?

Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole,

a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.

That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.

No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.

They're not that bad.

See, the fact that you have to say they're not that bad

means that they are that bad.

Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! Harder! Harder!

Oh, God, that was so good!

Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm!

Jesus, this is weak.

It's not even getting me high. I got to have a talk with my weed guy.

It's working for me.

I think it sucks. I'm going to have a talk with him.

I don't know that you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints.

No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9/11.

You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11. I got to get high."

Is it 9:30? Yeah.

Shit, I got to get to work!

I don't know if I can drive!

It's okay, I'll drive you. I feel fine.

Fuck! Shit.

Oh, man!

Johnny, I'm sorry, man. That car just came out of nowhere.

God, is it bad?

Oh, man!

John! May I speak with you, please?

Shit.

It's all right, go, go, go. I'll pull out of here.

Hi, Thomas, how are you?

Asshole!

That's my bad. I was sending a tweet.

John, it's almost 10:00.

I know, sir, I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault.

What do you mean?

I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.

John, all you got to do is not fuck up

and you get my job when I go to corporate next month.

You're the new branch manager.

All you've got to do is not fuck up.

I realize that. Good.

Glad to hear it.

Because in a month, my life could be your life.

A cushy, $38,000-a-year branch manager

who's personal friends with Tom Skerritt.

Not a bad life, is it?

No.

I'm going to show you something that I don't like to show people

because I don't want them treating me differently.