The Office

This is the worst part of my job, you know.

I do not want to lose a good man.

But it's out of my hands,

and if it were in my hands, my hands are tied. It's nothing personal...

why am i getting fired?

You're not getting fired. It's redundancy.

Cutbacks being what they are, you are one of the unlucky ones.

Or one of the lucky ones in my opinion!

David, why, when there are three other forklift operators,

do you decide to fire me and not anton?

Is this positive discrimination?

Do you have disability quotas to fill?

I don't know what you mean.

Are you keeping anton on because he's disabled?

- Anton's not disabled. - He's a midget.

Yeah, but you're not disabled if you're a midget. That's just small.

Ronnie corbett doesn't get special treatment.

He's five foot. Anton's three foot four.

So are some children. Children aren't disabled, are they?

Children don't work in warehouses.

Look, whether or not anton is indeed a midget or a dwarf...

- no, he's a midget. - What's the difference?

A dwarf has disproportionately short arms and legs.

Oh, i know the ones.

It's caused by a hormone deficiency.

Yeah. Bloody hormones.

A midget is still a dwarf, but their arms and legs are in proportion.

So what's an elf?

Do you want to answer that?

An elf is a supernatural being.

Sometimes they're invisible, like fairies.

They don't actually exist, do they? In real life?

Do you think i enjoy this? It's been imposed upon me.

"It's been imposed upon me!"

Yeah. What do you want me to say, i'm sorry?

Yeah. I want you to say you're sorry.

Apologise and stop passing the buck!

I'm not passing the buck. This is someone else's decision.

- Go above my head if you want. - Oh, i will.

- Good luck. It's your prerogative. - Yeah, it is. My prerogative.

- So is a pixie the same as an elf? - Hold on, gareth.

I just want to know how he knows so much about midgets.

It's called an education.

- So what's a goblin? - How long will you be?

I know i probably seem an imposing figure now -

you know, the slick boss -

but get to know me, you'll see i'm mad.

I brought that in.

So...

oh, here we go.

Malcolm.

This is malcolm. This is karen roper, my new secretary.

You can all use her - as the actress said to the bishop.

- Nice to meet you. - Hello.

David, can i just ask why you've hired yourself a new secretary

when you're having to fire people like alex?

Different people, different jobs.

To whit, the answer to the question, is it people or task

is - well, you know - people.

Like this person. Kojak.

- David, what i want to know... - kojak we call him.

...am i going to be fired? When will we know?

Good question. Jennifer is coming in midday today, greenwich mean time.

She will have the verdict then. Ok. I was just keeping the troops happy.

They'd be happier if they knew they'd got jobs.

Yeah.

I'm thinking of other weird-looking bald people.

That one on benny hill?

Oh, yeah.

I don't know if you met tim. He's thinking of leaving.

He's feeling bad about himself.

I'm going to make him feel good about himself, turn it round.

You know. Look and learn. So...

timothy!

- Hi. - Can i have a quick word?

In the office. Walk this way.

Quack, quack, quack!

Always start with a joke.

You might want to make notes.

Hiya. Come in.

- How are you? - All right, thanks.

You don't mind if karen sits in to learn the ropes?

No, not at all. What are we doing?

I wanted to know why you're thinking of leaving, mate.

I'm not thinking of leaving, i am leaving.

Sure. Sure.

I don't mean to stitch anyone up, but it's nothing i've said?

- Not at all, david. No. - Definitely not. No way.

I don't want to put words in your mouth,

but what sort of a boss would you say i am?

- I'm a... - good boss, yeah.

- He said good. - No. You're a great boss.

It's just that i'm not in a position...

it's not because you asked dawn out and she said no?

I didn't ask her out. It was as a friend.

It was as a friend. Put friend. Put friend down.

So why the move?

- It's not one thing... - go on.

- Can i...? - Sure.

Ok. I don't really enjoy the work i do here. I'm sorry, but...

i feel a little bit like i'm wasting my time.

- That life's too short. - Exactly. Thank you.

Let's be honest, david, i am 30.

- I want to retire with some stories to tell. - Not about paper.

I've got paper stories that'll crack you up.

- That's true. Hilarious. - Put hilarious.

- Shall i go on? - How many are there?

It's like an alarm clock's gone off and i've just got to get away.

I think it was john lennon who said...

"life is what happens when you're making other plans."

That's how i feel.

Though he also said, "i am the walrus, i am the eggman",

so i don't know what to believe!

- David, listen... - no, you listen to me, "tim".

When you first came here, you didn't know about the paper industry.

I showed you the ropes, nurtured you, gave you a good job.

- That he doesn't want! - I didn't ask you.

- You asked me how i felt... - i don't want to know now.

This has been a waste of time. Yeah.

Why don't you both go and do some work instead of whinging, please?

- This is silly... - no, go on.

Don't say out there what you said in here, apart from the good boss.

I don't want you spreading bad vibes around my office, all right?

Don't be like that at the party!

You try and do a good deed...

and that...

you all right?

Yeah. Hello.

Are you going to the party?

Yeah, yeah. Of course. I wouldn't miss it.

- And you? - Er, yes.

Good.

Hooray.

- See you later. - Yeah. I hope they get rid of me

Then i might get off my arse and do something.

I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist.

I don't know what i'll do, but it's got to be a career move

and not just another arbitrary job.

Um...

tim says it's better to be at the foot of a ladder you want to climb

than halfway up one you don't.

But i don't... i just don't want to be treading water

and wake up in five years and say, "shit! Done it again."

Do you think you could...?

Could you not do that here, mate? Not do that here?

I've got to do it, mate. Really.

No chance you could throw it in the bin?

Yeah, and i'll take them round to rival companies and hand them out.

Good point, but could you throw it in the bin?

Gareth, can you keep it down a bit?

- Hmm? - Can you stop it?

Yeah. I'll just do it like this.

- Hiya. - Hi, david. Are you ready?

Yeah.

- Who's she? - Don't know.

I promised you some kind of answer today.

I don't think it's the one you're expecting. Firstly, i'm moving on.

- Have you been fired? - No. I've been made into a partner.

They've made you a partner? That'll be wernham hogg taylor clark.

They'll have to change the stationery.

- I think we'll get a discount. - 40% sometimes.

The point is, my job is now available

and the board thought that you or neil should do it.

I can tell you the board have voted 5-2 in favour of you taking it.

Voted for me 5-2? There's only seven on the board.

Five out of seven. That's a landslide.

- David... - go on.

You've made it clear that you're 100% committed to your branch.

You do understand that if you take on my job, neil will stay in swindon

and your branch will be downsized and incorporated into his?

Yup.

I know that you're loyal to your family...

i'd be loyal to the whole family. It's one big family.

I just know that you have strong emotional ties to your team.

Yeah, but there is the emotion as "good in business" syndrome, sure,

notwithstanding the cruel to be kind scenario...

sorry, you've lost me.

You're not looking at the whole pie. Wernham hogg is one big pie

and if i'm in charge of that big pie,

i'll be in charge of... the people are the fruit.

I don't have time for the pie thing, david.

I'm saying, ok, i'll take the job, please.

Good. Ok. The first step is to meet with alan and the board.

Yup. What's five out of seven as a percentage?

Er... 70%.

71.4. so...

call susan and arrange to meet the board and finalise all the details.

Congratulations and good luck.

You don't need luck when you've got 71% of the population behind you.

She's still here.

Bye, jennifer.

- What do you think? - He looked all right.

- How did it go? - What did she say?

Fine.

What's the damage?

It's complicated.

- Are you going to tell us? - Yeah.

David?

We'd like to know now.

Ok. All right.