Charlie Bartlett

Thank you! Thank you very much!

Thank you!

How you all doing tonight?

It's great to see all of you here.

My name is Charlie Bartlett!

Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

Charlie. Charlie!

Charlie!

Your mom's here.

She's in the dean's office.

Good luck, Charlie. Stay out of trouble.

I'm not sure I understand. Is it his grades?

No, Mrs. Bartlett, it's not his grades and it's not his attendance.

Look, quite frankly, he is one of our brightest boys here at school,

albeit, unusual.

Well, I'm just not sure why he must be expelled, then.

Well, this might shed some light.

You're expelling him for making a driver's license?

He's been running a laminating press from inside his dorm room,

and he has been selling them to the other students.

You have to admit, they look pretty authentic.

Look, Mrs. Bartlett, to be honest, I think he has a lot of potential.

He's innovative, he's intelligent. He's obviously highly motivated.

Perhaps this would be a good time for an endowment.

No. Mrs. Bartlett, what he did was illegal

and we can't overlook that.

- Okay. - Okay.

- I understand. - Good.

Are you mad?

You know, I'm not.

I just can't fathom why you did it. It's not like you needed the money.

I mean, really, Charlie, what would your father say if he were here?

Mom, they were just starting to appreciate me.

You know, I was the guy that everyone wanted to meet.

Well, maybe there's more to high school than being well liked.

Like what, specifically?

Nothing comes to mind.

I guess now we try you living at home and going to public school.

I even kept your room exactly the way you left it.

Hey, Mom, have you been feeding my fish?

Oh, dear.

Mom? I think I might take the bus in tomorrow.

Really? I was going to have Thomas drive you.

I know, but I don't think anybody else is going to show up with a chauffeur.

You're probably right.

- Have you taken your Klonopin today? - I haven't.

- Where do you suppose I put that? - Probably in your purse.

There you are. What would I do without you, Charlie?

Well, it's wonderful to have you back, Charlie.

Thanks, Mom. I missed you, too.

Are you kidding me? Suzy Q!

What? Come in.

Hi. Volume. Thank you.

Hold on, The Principal is here. What do you want, Dad?

Why do you call me The Principal when you're talking to your friends?

Pretending to have contempt for you gives me a certain amount of cred,

if you can understand that.

No, no, no.

Okay, what do you want?

- I wanna say hi. - Hi.

Fresh crack rock.

- God, it's called rock candy. - That was a joke.

I was eating it decades before you were even conceived.

I'll be in my office.

- Love you. - Love you. Bye.

You have two new messages.

Nathan, I think it might be a good idea if I'm there

when you break the news about installing cameras to the kids

so the announcement is taken, you know, seriously.

Next message. - Nathan, it's me.

I'm wondering why Susan hasn't been returning my calls.

Is it of no consequence to you

whether she has a relationship with her mother, you fuck...

I think you got the wrong bus.

Western Summit High School, right?

Okay.

Hi, I'm Charlie.

Hi, Charlie. I'm Len.

Good to meet you, Len.

It's good to meet you, Charlie.

Thank you.

Nice tie, homie.

Killer roach, bro.

Move out of the way! Get out!

They didn't give you a locker in the teachers' lounge?

Oh, I'm not a teacher.

You sure look like a teacher.

Okay, everyone, last chance to sign up. The auditions are today

and will be held at 4:00 and everybody's welcome.

Yeah. And for everyone who doesn't know, this year we're doing Henry V.

And it's Shakespeare, so feel free to read for a role of the opposite sex.

See you at 4:00, professor.

Dense fucking nug, man.

Shit, why are you looking at it like that? You're gonna buy it.

You've done every other time. Just fucking buy it.

Hi, I'm Charlie.

What's that? Is that a briefcase?

Actually, I believe it's an attaché case.

What's that thing on your jacket mean?

Oh, this?

Cor ad cor loquitur. It's in Latin.

I think the translation is,

"Heart speaks to heart, " but I may be wrong.

Is he, like, a total faggot or what? Shut up.

Is that a rhetorical question?

Guess not.

Fuck him up!

Fuck, yeah!

Guess what? I think you like that, you little bitch.

How do you like that, you little bitch?

No smokes! Cigarettes out!

What have we here?

Nothing. We're just messing around.

Mr. Bivens, Mr...

You, get to class. Now. Let's go.

Later, homo.

You okay?

Yeah.

I'm so sick of my parents. Like, honestly, I'm 17.

I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's just a hole.

I mean, what does my mom care how many times I get my ears pierced?

The squad doesn't care.

Whitney, I think you should get your na-na pierced.

That's gross, you 'tard.

Hi, I'm Charlie.

Come on.

- Hi, Charlie. - Hey, Len.

Len, you want to join me?

Thank you, Charlie.

I got peas and carrots.

I love peas and carrots. - Me, too.

When, Caius, Rome is thine, thou art poorest of all,

then shortly art thou mine.

And scene.

Thank you. That was stunning.

Charlie Bartlett.

So, which one of Shakespeare's works will you be performing for us?

Actually, I thought I'd do a monologue from Cordiroy Seville's masterpiece,

Misadventures of a Teenage Renegade.

I guess I should tell you

about the first time I had my period.

My daddy was driving me back from summer camp

and I turned to him and I said,

"Daddy, I think I'm sloughing."

And he said, "That's nice, honey."

And I realized that he had,

like, no idea just what "sloughing" meant.

So I explained to him that it meant

blood was gushing from my you-know-where.

And he nearly wrecked the car

trying to hand me a wad of fast-food napkins,

which is not something that you

particularly want to stick up your hooch.

Great. Thank you.

I wasn't quite finished, actually.

No. That'll do. Thank you, Charlie.

I'm gonna fuck you up.

- You getting this? - Yeah. I'm getting it.

- Yeah! Fuck him up, Murph! - How does that feel?

I don't care. You know why? Because that was a rhetorical question.

Hey, Charlie, what's Latin for, "I'm a total pussy"?

Let's get out of here.

Charlie, how'd it go? - Stellar.

Did you make any friends?

Okay, you can forget about school tomorrow.

I'm calling Dr. Weathers.

Now, your mom tells me that you've been getting into scrapes with the other boys.

That's the best euphemism

for getting the living crap kicked out of you that I've ever heard.

And why do you suppose that you're being picked on?

I don't know. I'm abnormal, I guess.

You don't feel normal?

My family has a psychiatrist on call. How normal can that be?

How are your classes?

They're all right.

I mean, I have trouble concentrating sometimes.

And what is it that you think about?

I kind of have this one fantasy.

Sexual?

No, not really.

It's just this fantasy of me stepping out on stage,

and there are all these kids out in the audience

chanting my name, like I'm a rock star, you know.

And so, I step up to the mike and I say,

"How you all doing tonight?"

And then they start cheering and cheering.

"It's great to see all of you. I'm Charlie Bartlett.

"And if there's one thing I want you to walk away with tonight,

"it's that the sky is the limit.

"So, for those of you with troubles, for those of you feeling scared,

"or confused or angry,

"remember, you are not alone."

And then they go nuts again.

Charlie, how are you feeling about your father these days?

Are you angry that he's gone?

- Gas prices. - Excuse me?

I also worry a lot in class about rising gas prices.

Charlie, I'm going to write you a prescription for Ritalin,

and what I'd like you to do is start taking the low dose

and if after a few days you feel no side effects,