Executioner

Go straight down.

Little security device.

Alarming for genuine guests, I know, but effective.

Oh, and CCTV, but we don't need that, do we?

We're not going to be disturbed.

Self-locking.

You look nervous.

You're probably wondering

why I'm sitting here all alone in the dark.

My wife's convinced I'm a vampire.

But it's not blood, my tipple,

it's Bloody Mary.

Sit

down.

You look like you could do with a drink.

Vodka, but not with tomato juice, I think.

I know the proletariat have a horror

of anything that might have originated in a field.

So I always keep a supply of chemically polluted fizzy water

for a certain type of guest.

Not surprising you find the look of that oven

a little sinister.

The design was developed by a German company, Topf,

during a little dispute in your grandfather's time,

sometimes referred to as the Second World War.

Topf claimed that they could reduce a human body to ash

in under 20 minutes.

I never put it to the test.

I suppose it would depend

on the stature of the person being burned.

Not the only company to profit from genocide,

oh no, AEG.

They supplied the ventilation system

that delivered the Zyklon B to the gas chamber.

Also make very good fridges.

A few of the seven deadly sins.

Just a weekend hobby.

The sculpting, that is, not the sinning.

I won't ask you to try and identify which is which.

I don't suppose religious education

played a great part in your upbringing.

All based on people who really do deserve to be punished

for their vices.

Currently working on gluttony.

Very unpleasant journalist who waged a campaign against me

in her Sunday column.

Spends half her time attacking privilege

and the other half stuffing her face in the Ivy.

She can sniff out truffles like a pig.

I understand some lunatic's planning to marry her.

Hope to God they never have children,

she'd lactate balsamic vinegar.

I think...

Yes,

I think perhaps I'll put a spike through her tongue.

Thirsty, boy?

In the days of the Raj,

if a local was hauled in for interrogation,

before the questioning began,

they'd give him an arrowroot biscuit.

Then, if he couldn't muster enough spit to speak, well.

But you've got nothing to feel guilty about, have you?

Top up?

Don't worry, she's the only thing in here that'll be spiked.

Poisoners used to be boiled alive.

Although, with the Tudors,

you could always escape the death penalty

by pleading benefit of clergy.

And all you had to do to prove that you were clergy

was demonstrate that you could read.

Not much use to you, I know,

but then you would be branded on the forehead.

With a big T for thief

or M for murderer and so on.

You do have a very interesting head,

something Celtic about it.

Something of the Emerald Isle, so it has.

And oddly familiar.

Perhaps your mother once told me some lucky Heather.

I sometimes think that if we provided

less dental care for the masses,

the masses would spend less time

trying to destroy their own teeth.

I was once walking down a back street in Marrakesh,

and I heard the most godawful screaming.

I asked my guide what was going on

and he pointed to a sign in Arabic,

which he translated as dentist son diplome.

That's French.

That's what they speak in Morocco.

They can do that, can they?

Do what?

Operate without a diploma.

That's wogs for you.

Educated

and racist.

Well, well.

I was being ironic.

We've got a satirist.

- Thanks for the chemically polluted fizzy water.

- Oh, that door is locked, don't forget.

You have to exit through the house.

And we have unfinished business.

Have I upset you?

- I suppose you blame the adversarial system of government

for encouraging your bad manners.

Don't members of the Shadow cabinet

usually get recognised by the proletariat?

I like you.

- So long as we understand each other.

Oh, that's a tall order.

Nobody understands me.

Not even your wife?

Especially not my...

you being ironic again.

It's very disturbing meeting

someone more sarcastic than I am.

It's like having a conversation in double negatives.

I won't ask if they cover double negatives

in your English lessons at school.

- Not if you don't want a fat lip.

That's more like it.

The direct threat is something I can comprehend.

Even if you ignore it.

- Cowards die many times before their deaths.

- The valiant never taste of death but once.

School production of Hamlet?

Julius Caesar.

You should read it,

you might learn something about politics.

- My colleagues say my manner is already a little too theatrical.

What do you think?

- You're one of those MPs they call colourful, aren't you?

Oh no, no, no.

Colourful means you support blood sports

and the death penalty,

but you wear a bow tie.

I'm a maverick.

- Someone who can afford to take risks

because he doesn't need a minister's salary.

Rises like this don't come cheap.

What? You got a rich wife?

- She's probably my biggest expense.

Where's it from, then?

Hard work.

Don't be deceived by the medieval splendour.

The rest of this house fell down long ago,

and the Victorians replaced it with a very ugly vicarage,

so I got it at a knock-down price.

But this undercroft suits my purposes.

Although being grade one listed, I can't hang anything.

- You're telling me your family didn't have money?

My father died in a ditch.

No more than he deserved.

He treated my mother abominably.

- You obviously believe in an eye for an eye.

- We all commit murder in our dreams.

All it takes is a little push.

But I divert such impulses to these little darlings.

You see, I'm temperamentally incapable of real violence.

- Here I was hoping you'd say the opposite.

- I hate to disappoint you, but I'm not into anything kinky.

This isn't kinky.

Just

imagine I'm one of these statues.

Pretend I'm Miss Vinegar Tits.

- If I did that, I might get carried away and finish the job.

- If you do get carried away, maybe I'll finish the job.

You want some GHB?

No, and I'd rather you didn't.

- That's cool, I only ever keep it for clients.

Your mate who brought me here, he's not gonna interrupt us.

- He's waiting upstairs to drive you home when we're done.

And your wife?

Very absent.

Shame.

- You know, you really do have a very interesting head.

I wish I could work out why it's so familiar.

- Hmm, maybe you've met my brother.

Does he look like you?

We're twins.

Be nice to me and I'll introduce you.

Hmm, buy one, get one free.

Ah.