It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

- (knocking) Mac, Mac, open up!

Let me in! There's no time to waste! Come on!

Come on, man! I know you're in there!

Oh, that's it! I'm coming in!

Ow! Oh, shit!

I just opened up the old cut.

Why didn't you open the door?

- It wasn't locked. - Come on, we got to get going.

You got any ice in there? Ow.

They put me in charge.

- It's a gay pride parade or something. - (refrigerator opens, closes)

Can I use this sock?

Oh, my God.

We're making a float for the parade, to rope in the gays.

Ow! But we only got 24 hours.

I'm gonna use this newspaper.

I stuff it up.

I plug it. Okay.

Well, you're gonna be our prize gay.

You're gonna dance on top. They told me to get you.

I told 'em, "I don't get the whole gay thing."

I drew the short straw, so here I am. Let's roll.

I-I don't want to do that, because I-I just...

I don't know where I fit in as a gay man,

and it's starting to get to me.

Oh, Christ! Now?

They give me one job and I got to deal with your feelings?

I-I don't know. I-I...

I'm not feeling very proud.

A-All right. Look, Mac, I never really got you.

And-and, to be honest, now that you're gay,

I get you even less.

Nothing against it.

I just don't get it.

But let's try and work together, okay?

Help me help you, all right?

All right. I guess. Sure.

Okay. Let's go find your pride.

Where exactly are you taking me, Frank?

Your problem is you're only hanging out with straights.

I'm gonna take you to a club where you can meet a few guys,

maybe snap you out of that funk you're in.

All right. I just don't know if I'm ready for a relationship, you know?

You're just scared, is all.

You got to meet a couple of normal gays.

And, by the way, when we're in there, you got to watch my back.

If one of these queens comes at me, I'm gonna go berserk.

Frank, you're a 75-year-old man with a face that looks like hamburger meat.

I'm sure you're safe.

Yeah.

L-Let's try to blend in.

Okay.

Ooh.

Jesus Christ, Frank.

Isn't this what all gay guys are into?

I-I don't think so, but, either way, I know I'm not into it.

A-All right, all right, relax.

Let's hit the buffet. We'll hang back.

We'll scope out the scene. (chuckles)

Okay? Ooh, look at that.

Ooh. This is a much better spread than they have at the straight orgies.

- Yeah, I don't feel comfortable in here, Frank. - Oh. Hmm.

I know. That's why you got to jump in headfirst.

Go find some nice guys, smack you around a little bit.

I don't want to get smacked around.

That's part of the culture, Mac.

It's a very small subset of the culture.

And it's totally fine for these guys,

but it's just a little too much for me.

Too... Ow. Oh, and this cut.

I got to take 'em out and restuff.

- Oh, God. - Goddamn, dude, that is disgusting.

- Mm, I got to plug it. I got to plug it up. - Oh!

- You're putting it in the chicken? - Got to... Yeah.

- What are you... Oh, my God. - No, I got to keep it plugged.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, that's spicy.

Ooh, there must be some hot sauce on them wings. (groans)

- They're buffalo wings. - (grunts)

- Let me try one. - Don't eat the god... Oh, Frank.

Oh, look out. Incoming.

Um, how may we help you?

Mac, unzip this thing, so we can find out what it wants.

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Why? Because I'm straight?

No. Because you put your nose rags in the chicken.

Oh, uh, excuse me, Your Highness, I'll be more careful.

Hey, how much I got to pay you

to let my boy Mac here take you for a spin?

I'm not a prostitute.

- You do this for fun? - Yes.

I'm never gonna get it. I'll never get this.

Why did I get this mission?

- I... You see, I drew the short straw. - Okay.

- Uh, let's go, Frank. I'm so sorry, sir. - That's it. (groaning)

W-We'll be leaving. Frank, let's just go home.

No, no, no. No, Goldilocks, we're not going home.

You got to find that pride.

Okay, this place is a little too rough.

I-I admit it. Fine.

We're gonna go someplace softer.

So, you see anything you like?

Not really. These are drag queens, Frank.

Come on, Mac. Help me out.

I'm sticking my neck out for you and you're giving me nothing.

How are you sticking your neck out for me?

I'm running a real risk coming to a joint like this.

I mean, one false move

and these fairies could poke me full of holes.

"Fairies"? What year is it in your head?

Well, help me out here, man.

We're running out of time.

When you came out to your father, did you come out

as a top or a bottom?

A boy or a girl?

Oh, I haven't come out to him yet.

Well, maybe that's it.

You got to tell your dad.

Yeah, I-I just don't think I can come out and tell him.

I-I feel like I got to show him.

And-and I've been working on something, actually,

but it's just gonna take me a few more weeks, so...

No, no, weeks, weeks, no.

- We got to be on that float tomorrow. - (sighs)

Look... (sighs) I don't know what to tell you, man.

You just don't... you don't know what's going on inside of me.

Well, I'm sure there's five or six superviruses

- eating out your insides. - No, no.

I mean the struggle to be who I am.

I-I just want to show him, so that he can understand.

All right, well, explain it to me.

Okay, well, there's...

there's, like, this storm inside of me

and-and it's been raging my whole life.

And-and I'm down on my knees and-and I'm-I'm looking

for answers and then God comes down to me... and it's a very hot chick...

- and she pulls me up and we start dancing, okay? - W-Wait, wait, wait.

You're gay and you're dancing with a hot chick

- who is God? - Yes.

- The Catholics really fucked you up. - Oh, you didn't get it?

- I'm never gonna get it. - Okay. All right.

- Let me start at the beginning, and I'll... - No, no. Wait.

Christ, I'm sweating.

My-my head is exploding.

I'm gonna try some of this... put a little of this.

It'll be good.

Ah! Ah!

Ah, shit!

Ah, that burns.

Oh, Christ, it's swelling.

- (groans) - Frank, I think your nose

- is infected, man. - No, no, no, no.

I got... I'm using this insulation

- to plug up the flow. I just... - (lock buzzes)

Yeah, that seems safe. Oh, shit! Here he comes.

- I'm freaking out. - Don't-don't dance around it.

Just tell him. Rip the Band-Aid off.

- He'll be cool. You'll see. - He'll be cool.

- Yeah. - Yeah, he's cool, he's cool.

Yeah.

- Go for it. - Yeah.

H-Hey.

Hey, Dad! H-Hey, it's, uh...

it's-it's been a couple years.

- (chuckles) So, how you been? - Yeah.

My cellmate ratted on me for having an extra pillow.

I cut out his tongue with a rusty pair of pliers

and fed it to the maggots.

Cool...

Very cool.

So, um...

there's something that, uh,

I've been meaning to tell you for a while now.

Uh-huh...

All right, there's, like, a storm inside of me, all right?

And-and-and... and God sent me an angel...

- an angel, and this... this angel is a woman. - No. Don't.

And this woman and I... we start dancing,

and we get very passionate, and then...

It's all very confusing, but in the end,

something new is born.

Well, wha-what he's trying to say...

Oh, I know exactly what he's trying to say.

My son... finally knocked someone up.

I'm gonna be a grandfather.

- Uh... - Finally!

Someone to carry on my name.

Yeah, I mean...

You know, I-I could carry on your name.

Yeah. Son, listen to me.

I never really got you, you know?

But now,

I see that there's hope for you yet.

Well, I-I mean, not with your life,

but with the life of your son.

Well, we don't know that it's gonna be a boy.

Hey, if it's not a boy,

you flush that shit out and try again!

Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

I'll flush that shit out, and you...

I'm gonna give you a boy, Dad.