The Unlikely Prince (Il principe abusivo)

THE ABUSIVE PRlNCE

Once upon a time

there was a princess who made her people dream.

That was Grandmother... and these are articles about her.

And these are articles about Mother.

This... is the article about me.

PRINCESS FALLS

Why don't people consider me?

Good question. Answer that, Chamberlain.

Your Majesty, Highness, l don't read the tabloids,

but it seems that today's fairytale princesses

have been replaced by starlets, show girls,

and even squalid call Girls.

Letizia, l understand you, l too would like to be famous,

siGn autoGraphs, be on TV, in "DancinG with the Stars".

Not me, all l want is to raise money for charity.

Grandmother opened four hospitals in Africa,

mother, three schools, me...

a shed with two veterinarians, because no one knows me.

Then marry Gherets,

he loves you, he's the Prince of BelGium,

then you'll get in all the papers.

Not to infrinGe on your matters of the heart, but...

No...

Dad, you just want to do business with the KinG of BelGium.

But there's no chemistry with Gherets.

And he has Giant ears.

He does? l've never noticed them.

Your Gaze is as pure as a Polynesian sea

- and deserves a Gift. - Thank you.

This gadget is a "must".

- A mirror! - No, no.

lt's notjust a simple mirror, it's the i-Mirror.

- The i-Mirror. - Ask a question.

- To whom? - The mirror.

- How do l look? - You're the fairest in the kingdom.

And you can even chanGe the language.

- lt works! - Who sells this stuff?

No one, I patented it, to make a splash in the new economy.

- Good. - Thank you.

- Do me a favor? - Of course.

l left my fan in the tower, would you Get it for me?

l'd scale Mt. Everest for you.

- Your HiGhness... - My dear Gherets...

- Dad, have you thouGht about my problem? - Of course!

Get moving, Anastasio, hurry and make her famous.

After readinG hundreds of magazines, l'm certain.

There is only one way to put a princess on the front paGe today:

the so-called "Beauty and the Beast" strateGy.

The princess has to fall in love with a poor, iGnorant,

coarse and vulGar man.

His Majesty opposes it and kicks the lout out.

The princess replies that love is more than lineage,

there's a clash at court, Gossip in Europe and around the world.

Result: months of cover stories

on the marriage between the princess and the pauper.

What?

MarriaGe with the pauper? Are you sure?

Yes, my dear, before the ceremony we send the Groom a call girl,

we photoGraph them,

princess betrayed, marriaGe canceled, more cover stories.

Now Your HiGhness is famous and every charity action makes news.

What do you say?

- Call girls? - Yeah...

l'll do it, just one problem...

Where do l find a pauper?

They're around, they're around.

l've already interviewed him.

l did some research.

LiGhts, please!

The most ramshackle country in the Union,

its most romantic but difficult city,

the poorest neighborhood, its most wretched inhabitant,

and here is our gem: Antonio De Biase.

Hey, my name's Antonio,

l was fired three years ago.

l went to my Girlfriend and said:

"Lovey, my darlin', my life, my heart, l lost my job."

And she said: "And your girlfriend too,

if money can't buy happiness, imaGine poverty!"

Son-of-a gun, Ciro!

When l need money, l'm a Guinea pig.

You know when it says "clinically tested"?

That's me, the tested!

l eat medicine and then tell about the side effects.

Bro, yo, yo...

l got side effects riGht now.

l say they should split by cateGory,

l mean, experiment man-man, mouse-mouse.

lnstead they even Get mice, that's wrong,

because if the mice Get sick, who do they Get, a kanGaroo?

And if they experiment on kangaroos,

who do they Get, a walrus?

And if they experiment on walruses, do they Get a draGonfly?

Bro, yo, yo...

Big bro, how's it Goin'?

l should go down there?

No, we'll brinG him here,

we hospitalize him and test a new medicine.

Someone like that,

when he's not a guinea pig, how does he get by?

Your most Serene HiGhness, how does he get by? MoochinG!

TODAY'S OPENlNGS: PlZZA, lCE CREAM, WlNE

METER MAID

Hello, ma'am, remember me?

l'm the espresso machine technician,

l came to check why it wasn't working.

lf you like, l'll taste the espresso for free,

just to be nice, to see if it still works.

You've never liked the theater.

And you've never come to the country with me...

Great, my compliments, thank you!

Stop!

Wait, a lady's crossinG!

Without a "crosser-walk" it's a tragedy!

Cool it, bro!

Thank you, Antonio, for helpinG me across the street

every morning, l'm such a bother.

No, l do it for "humanism"...

Oh, there's my bus, l'll get a lift.

- Who are you? - A relative.

Jeez, just look at uncle!

You make me so mad, Uncle.

Two things were your ruin: women and wine.

He's always drinkinG, he's Gotta lay off.

You Gotta lay off, Uncle, l say it from the heart.

l don't Give a damn about his properties,

l want him to be well.

The road's closed here, Go straiGht on.

- Who is this guy? - Oh, come on, Uncle.

Not the first, the second.

Okay, perfect, thanks.

Hey, what about your uncle?

lf he's Gotta die, he's Gotta die.

Jessica!

Let's turn this off,

it's a bomb to the brain, calm down.

No one understands me.

No one understands me!

- Cousin, snap out of it! - How?

There were two thinGs in my life: Manuel and tap dancinG.

Then the miracle: Gloria Cecchi put Manuel and me in the musical.

The last dancers, a minute and ten seconds on stage,

l'm at the heiGht of success, l sell fruit tap-dancinG...

and what happens?

You catch Manuel in bed with Gloria

and Get kicked out of the show.

And you say snap out of it, but how?

- No red Grapes? - Wrong season.

- Concord grapes? - Next week.

You're so sharp,

as a kid you knew everythinG about fruit:

anjou pears, fuji apples... You invented home-delivered fruit.

Go back to your old life.

- What were you doing now? - RehearsinG with Manuel.

- Then? - MakinG love with Manuel.

Other stuff?

l washed and ironed Manuel's shirts.

l can help you there!

Take my T-shirts and shirts.

lron the shirt collars high,

that's how Manuel wore them.

You can't go on like this, you're a broken record!

Can't live by moochinG anymore.

You complain? You hire out as a guinea pig, you're lucky.

Lucky? They call you twice a year.

At least, you've got a business mentality.

But loose ciGarettes are touGh, the problem's the assortment.

We're scarce on lights and menthols are nowhere around.

And where do you mooch cigars?

A clinic called me, we'll see what happens,

the situation's serious, bro, yo...

PRlNClPALlTY KURHAUS CLlNlC

Our tests in this clinic

can sometimes cause slight side effects,

like distortion of vision or memory loss.

ln mice, this medicine caused articulation narcolepsy.

- Relax. - lt only means your arms and legs Get numb,

to revive them just do this...

But I'm sure this won't happen in human beings. Pill time!

Let's do this,

say l want to meet him and brinG him here.

Princess, he's not the masseur or the pedicurist,

you have to simulate the spark of love,

isn't it best to run into him by chance?

The princess!

Ain't Got eyes, bro?

Plan B: random clash.

Jessica, l found a scarf,

it's awesome!

And you say I never give you presents, you'll flip.

Highness!

Plan C,

infallible!

Grab the doG!

Nero XVI, behave!

Doghouse 7, no supper!

l'm sorry, l'm mortified,

distressed,

appalled.