The Cowboy Killer

Hey, little lady.

What you doing way out here?

Trying to head on home.

Got room for one more?

It's a big truck.

There's always room for one more.

Jeez, innuendo much?

No, I was actually talking about my truck.

Oh yeah, sure.

Your big truck.

- Roy Thompson. - Millie Ward.

Hmm.

Hi, Millie.

You know why my daddy named me Millie?

'Cause it's a nice, sweet, wholesome family type name?

Uh, no.

Uh, 'cause he would get drunk off Miller Lights

and then slur his words and say, "It's Milly time."

And right now, it's kinda feeling like Milly time.

Well, that's a sweet story, I guess.

Uh, actually no.

He was a drunk piece of shit, but

So where you headed?

Headed wherever you are, babe.

Oh no.

You don't wanna go there.

You're young.

Me?

I've had nothing but a shitty life,

and shitty last few days.

You know, I thought it was time just to

take a ride off into the sunset,

try to make it memorable.

Oh, but-but then, I see this pretty little damsel

in distress by the side of the road,

and thought maybe I'd see if I could come to her rescue.

Well, I appreciate you coming to my rescue.

I'd hate for you to have another shitty day.

Think I could help with that.

Oh.

Now look, that's very sweet of you and all,

but (laughs) I'm not looking

for any one night rodeos anymore.

I'm looking for something special, that will last,

that has meaning.

I promise to make it special if you can make it last.

If you are as big as your gun,

it's gonna be pretty meaningful for both of us.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Think you could be in for a real damn treat.

And all it's gonna cost you is 200 bucks.

200 bucks?

For what?

For me.

Oh. (Tires screeching)

There's been a mistake.

I thought you were in need, that's why I stopped.

I am.

I'm in need of 200 bucks.

Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen,

so I'll just drop you at the next gas station.

Hey, hey wait!

Nope.

Would you give me my keys?

Are you a real cowboy?

Is that why you're dressed so cute?

Can I just have my keys from your chest?

No problem.

You still feel like you made a mistake?

Just give me my keys!

Jesus Christ, what is this?

Are you fucking gay?

No.

I just don't use public toilets.

Sorry, what the fuck did you just say to me?

All right, that's it.

Get out of my truck and give me

Yeah, turns out you did have something

real big for me, Mr. Cowboy.

Now give me everything you fucking got.

What the fuck is wrong with you women?

I try to be nice!

I-I try to help!

I try to be a gentleman,

and all you want is more!

More, more, and then you just,

you leave, and you don't even give a fuck

about what you leave behind!

Shut the fuck up or I'll blow you away!

No you're not!

Now get outta the car!

I thought you would be different.

God.

You wonder why everybody leaves you?

You are so pathetic.

You are such a lonely fucking pussy.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Well now you're in for a damn treat!

Hey guys, it look cool with the lights on there?

Come on, man.

Look, guys, do I look like a real cop?

Obie, you know what happens to my fucking blood sugar

if I don't eat.

Will you shut the fuck up, please?

Hey!

- Oh come on, man. - You're an asshole.

Please!

There's nothing better than an ice cold Coke

in a glass bottle.

Tastes the same as a can.

No, it doesn't.

Yeah, it does.

Can, glass, plastic, all the same.

You are a fucking idiot.

It's the same, I'm telling you.

Will you cut the shit with the lights?

Yeah man, can you fix the car or what?

Hold your goddam horses.

You got a blown head gasket.

So if we have a blown head gasket,

how come you're fucking with the lights?

Never been in a police car.

At least not the front.

Hey by the way, I knew it was a blown head gasket.

We were driving along, and there was this pop noise.

Huge barreling of smoke from underneath.

Same thing happened when I was a kid,

so I knew right away, blown head gasket.

Thanks for doing my job, Officer Head Gasket.

You want me to fix it or what?

How long's it gonna take?

Depends how long it takes these fucks to finish lunch.

Lunch?

It's 8:30 a.m.

Start our day at four.

It's fucking lunchtime.

Yeah, four a.m.

Where were you?

Well I was, I was sleeping.

Uh, uh, oh yeah.

That's what we fucking thought.

We can get it done around, uh, two-ish.

Two-ish, boys?

Yeah, we'll get it done.

Golden Rail happy hour starts at three.

Two for one beer night.

Oh, fuck yeah!

I fucking love railing!

Fuck yeah.

Two-ish, huh?

Where is this Golden Rail bar?

- Over there. - It's over there.

Yeah, we heard.

Over there?

- Don't be a smart ass. - Sorry, sir.

Go outside, take a right.

It's three doors down.

It says, "Golden Rail".

Yeah, there's two for one beer until three p.m.,

so you gotta wait.

Shut the fuck up, Leeroy.

Get back to work.

Just outta curiosity, how much this gonna cost?

Are you paying for it?

Well no, the department is.

Then why the fuck do you care?

Copy that.

I was just curious.

Okay, well, we're gonna get outta here.

You just call us, uh, two-ish?

Oh yeah.

Yup.

- Did he say Golden Rail? - Yeah.

I think he's gonna beat the shit out of me, too.

You know where that place is?

Never been in my life.

It's probably a dive bar.

You hear that?

Yeah, I hear that.

I'm not deaf.

Guess Obie's not so good at fixing head gaskets.

Those motherfuckers fucked us.

It ain't a fucking head gasket.

I'm gonna murder those assholes.

Well, should we swing back by there?

Fuck no.

I got shit to do tonight.

We'll go back by there tomorrow.