Saturday Night Live

Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D.

This is Telepsychic.

My name is Ray.

I'll be taking your calls today.

Here's the numbers.

5-5-5, 1-2-3-1, 2-3-4 and 5.

Our lines are open.

Ask me about anything today.

About life, jobs, money, love, anything at all.

I'll predict for you.

Hello, Telepsychic.

Yeah, I lost my job and I need some money.

Am I going to get some money soon and get a new job?

Okay, yes, in a week.

Somebody will give you some money and you'll get a new job in about a month,

okay?

Okay, thank you, Ray.

Hello, Telepsychic.

Yeah, my girlfriend won't go out with me anymore, but I don't care because we've

been going out for a long time anyway.

And I'd like to find somebody new anyway, but do you think she might come back to me

anyway?

Uh, no.

Uh, yes, yes.

I predict you'll go out with someone new for a while.

For how long do you think?

Uh, about a month or so, and then your old girlfriend will come back to you and

you'll be together again for about a month, okay?

Okay, thank you very much.

Hello, Telepsychic.

Am I on?

Yeah, you're on the air.

Go ahead.

My sister wants to take some butter and...

Telepsychic.

Hi, I have a sick friend and I want to know, is she going to get better and when?

Okay, uh, yes.

She's going to get better and I feel that she should get better in, uh, about a

couple of months, okay?

Yeah, well, I don't got no sick friend.

I just made that up.

I don't got no sick friend.

What do you think of that?

I think you're sick.

What?

I predict you're the one who's going to get sick.

I'm going to get sick?

Uh, yes.

I feel you have a lump, a clot in your back and it's moving, growing and moving,

moving up into your neck.

Well, will it go away?

Am I going to get better?

No, no, definitely not.

Oh, come on!

No, no.

It's going to move into your neck and choke you, okay?

Okay, thank you.

Okay.

Hello, Dallas Psychic.

Hello.

Listen, my favorite show is Saturday Night and I was wondering if you could tell me

how they're going to start the show this week?

Uh, okay.

Live from New York, it's Saturday Night.

It's Saturday Night Live!

John Belushi!

Nice to be back.

Sorry about this.

Won't be a minute now, you know, just, uh, just waiting for the opening

monologue.

They do a lot of things at the last minute on this show, you know, and, uh,

sometimes a little bit later than the last minute.

And the thing is, the writers are just, uh, just working on this monologue that

they're going to give me to do to open the show.

It's very important, you know, when you're doing a live show to,

uh, to have something really funny to come on with and get the whole show off to a

good start.

Otherwise, you know, it can go into the dumper, you know, right from the start.

You know how it can go into the dumper at the start.

Actually, the writers are working on it at the moment, uh, just right now.

I think the thing is they take too many drugs.

No, don't say anything, don't say anything.

Well, look, uh, I think I'd better go and find out what's going on because,

uh, I don't, you know, I'd really like to get the show really going, you know,

lots of big laughs.

They said it's a very funny monologue and, uh, I'll just go and find out where it is.

Howard, do you think you could just play a bit of, you know, music whilst I go and

just find the one, okay?

I think he's, uh, trying to control me.

If you just play something, why don't you play something like, uh, play,

uh, My Love.

Yeah, My Love does it good, okay?

Just busk it, you know.

Howard Shaw plays My Love, okay?

Thank you.

Have you seen Lorne?

Do you know where, excuse

me, do you know where Lorne is?

He's in the control room, right.

Hi.

Sorry,

Davey, do you know where Lorne is?

Oh, he's in the back.

Oh, oh, I gotta go see him.

Oh, oh, Eric, I have a note for you.

Um, you know the scene where you play the professor?

Yeah.

Do you think you could be funnier?

Funnier?

Okay, I'll be funnier.

Just a note.

Okay.

Alright, Davey.

I think of all of the things, I guess the most important thing really is,

is, uh, timing.

Lorne?

Not now, Eric.

Oh.

Uh, timing.

No, sorry, I have to interrupt because, uh, do you know where the writers are?

Uh, they're probably in the writers' lounge.

It's just down the hall, just to the left.

The thing is, I never got the opening monologue.

Oh.

Well, uh, I have nothing funny to say.

I'm just in the middle of this.

I, I, I, I...

Well.

It's just down to the left.

They're in the lounge.

Okay.

You should have mentioned it to me earlier.

I'm sorry.

Well.

It just occurred to me, you know.

Well, I guess if that was Eric, I believe he's out.

Why?

I thought this sketch had been cut.

Yeah, this is out.

This is out.

Have you seen the writers, Eric?

Oh, God.

I'm telling you, the record's going to be gone.

Hi, John.

It'll be gone before Carnica.

Forget about Christmas.

Eric, how are you doing?

How are you doing?

I'm doing fine, thanks.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I'll talk to you later.

How are you doing, Eric?

Man, have you seen the writers?

Are you hosting the show this week?

Yeah, I'm hosting it right now.

I'm supposed to be doing the monologue.

Oh.

I'm a bit late.

Where are the writers?

They don't talk.

No.

No, they don't write me into anything anymore.

They're jealous.

I'll call the rest of them.

The writers.

They're next door.

Okay.

Don't you want to talk?

No, I can't see them.

Oh, God.

Has anybody got the opening monologue?

Good idea.

Please be advised that Fred Silverman's disco barbecue at the home of Fred

Silverman has been cancelled.

Oh, hi, Eric.

Hi, Gilda.

Look, I heard the monologue went great.

I haven't done it yet.

I mean, I never got the script.

You didn't?

No.

Well, why don't you go out there and ad-lib it or something?

I mean, they must be waiting.

I don't do that.

Well, come on.

You're a real funny guy.

You can ad-lib it.

Go on.

I mean, why do you think we've had you on the show hosting so many times?

Because I'm a friend of Lorne's.

I never thought of that.

Yeah.

Well, hurry up.

Go on.

Eric, where are you?

Why aren't you on stage?

I'm supposed to be on.

Well, why aren't you out there just doing stuff?

Well, I don't have the monologue.

You nut.