Haunted Heist

So, here's the deal.

Sometime in like the '40s or some shit

when niggas was doing the Charleston,

and Lindy hopping, and whatnot,

there's a couple called the Dempseys.

That's them plain vanilla yogurt.

Nothing special, right?

But all of a sudden, somehow,

these two basic bitches became the talk of the town,

rich beyond imagination.

Out of nowhere.

And you know that can only mean one thing

if we talking rich white folks, right?

Fucking sorcery.

Everybody in Detroit was talking about it.

The endless extravagant parties they threw

with weird music and masks, and all the STDs.

Shit, they was the freak-off pioneers.

The rumor started that it was all in celebration

of this demon lord, that they worshiped

some ancient, twisted mother-fucker called Clauneck.

One day, the Dempsey's just upped and vanished, too.

No one knows what happened.

The house was boarded up and abandoned for years.

But the rumors continue that inside

that dark power still remain.

So, I guess, we're going to find out

what trifling motherfuckers are dumb enough

to get trapped inside,

and awaken this ancient evil once again.

Shoot that nigga lived on.

We're in the dawn of a new era.

You know, when I started this company, when I built RISHA,

you know, I had a vision.

We have to seize the moment. Seize the opportunity.

All I'm asking for you to do is trust me.

Trust me like you did in the beginning, Terry.

When you moved out here, Courtney, you trusted me.

Eddie, when you divorced your wife, you trusted me.

And now you got bitches.

Look, all I'm saying is I'm the only one

that can lead this company into financial prosperity.

That's, that's really great, Ellis.

Can you let me go now?

I think I just pissed myself.

God damn, you did piss yourself.

See, this is y'all leader.

You want me to walk away and let him take this ship

and crash it into a damn iceberg?

Damn, Ellis, come on, man.

You said you had to get the rest of your shit.

Yeah, I, I got a couple of things,

but I just wanted to say, fuck y'all!

-This is still my company! -But it ain't, though.

Look man, one of us still got our job.

Don't fuck it up for me.

I gave you this job, Reggie.

And I appreciate that.

Plus benefits.

I just got my teeth cleaned.

But you gotta get the fuck outta here.

I got, I gotta get the-- You talking to me like that?

And you gonna pepper spray me in front of all these people?

No, man, of course not, you put me on.

Okay, good, so, like I was saying--

But I am gonna tase you.

Shit. Goddamn.

You are every Black woman's dream, Ron.

You're so smart,

funny, you're attentive,

and you got a huge dick,

and regular-sized balls.

Oh, I cannot wait to start a family with you.

- Are you ready? - Oh, yeah.

There we go, yes, yes.

Oh, yes.

Why it's happening?

Yes, yes, ah, baby, yes.

Tickle me.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, what the F.

How long you been standing there?

Three very long minutes.

Don't you know how to knock or nothing?

I did.

And I thought you said come in.

Come in.

Come in, oh, damn it.

But now I know you were saying, "I'm coming."

I'm coming, ugh.

This will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

That is our folding tutorial. That's how you pack.

Let's keep it nifty, and let's keep it, ooh-wee, swifty.

Wait, what?

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Look, I am not finna be showing no titties, Muff347.

Little blow-up doll, you raggedy mother--

Now, I travel all over the world, as you know.

Let me tell you something,

I almost got pregnant in making those, okay?

But, and let me tell you why.

Bunion butter.

Bunion butter saved my life.

Let me show you how the bunion butter works.

It's amazing.

The aroma.

The aroma, it just...

Have you ever like been in nature

and just been like, "What's that smell?"

Mm, it's very creamy.

Boo, you want, just go ahead apply it to your ankles.

I've been traveling so much.

Bunion butter.

Did I tell y'all about my candles?

Yeah, yeah.

Yo, T, Ratface George is looking for you, man.

What's up, Ratface George?

Nigga, it's George!

-You're right. -You know that.

It's just George.

-Let's sit. -You're right.

What's up?

You know I know about your little situation.

That's why I showed you mercy.

But you know what?

About to be a free man.

Or maybe now you can repay me for the generosity.

You remember what we've been talking about?

-Yeah. -Here is the address.

Swipe this dagger. It's worth millions.

When you pay me back,

you keep the rest for yourself.

That's my little gift to you.

See, if you pull this off,

you'll be good for the rest of your fucking life.

Hey, man, between me and you,

not to get all in your business or nothing,

no disrespect, but, uh,

man, what the fuck happened to your face?

Bro, you know, growing up in the hood can be tough.

Just one slip-up, that'll change your whole life forever.

When I was five, that happened to me.

You know how Spider-Man got bitten by a radioactive spider?

I, too, was bitten...

by a fucking rat!

Bit me right on the lips while I was asleep.

Woke up into his cold eyes, fresh from the bite.

I ain't get no fancy superpowers

with no Mary Jane, with no friendly neighborhoods either.

I was just out here with that rabies.

Hot rabies fresh out the oven.

But I tell you what, I kicked the fuck out of that rat.

Oh, I killed the fuck out that rat.

As soon as I could piss without assistance,

I was on his ass.

He ain't remember me, but I remembered him.

I was a insulted he ain't remember me.

He bit me on the lips. We kissed.

So does that answer your little ignorant-ass question

about my disability, you clown-faced bitch?

Uh...

Yeah, man.

Go and enjoy their little freedom, bro.

Yeah, you do that. You do just that, yeah.

Enjoy that freedom, man.

Let me tell you something

before you leave up outta here, man.

Vaccinate your fucking animals, damn!

Thank you, sir, enjoy your stay.

Hello, sir, how's your day going?

Uh, it's been a weird morning.

Technically, we are not divorced yet.

So, I mean, me calling you baby ain't really a big deal

because you are my ba...

...by?

Who the-- Who the fuck is that?

Why the fuck are you in my business, Ron?

What you mean why I'm in your business?

Your business is still my business,

because like I said earlier,

technically, we are still fucking married!

For the most part, it's pretty good, uh...

Look, I'm looking to extend my stay.

Oh, all right, that is fine, punk-ass nigga.

So, uh, you gonna gimme your name, or what?

Excuse me?

Um, I asked you for your name, sir.

Sounded like you call me punk-ass nigga, but...

Um, my name is-is Ron Hawkins.

And how long are you looking to extend your stay with us?

Honestly, just a few more days

until I go home to my wifey. Yeah.

Um, nigga, you ain't getting back in that house.

I don't miss you.

I don't miss the way your shit stink.

And I definitely don't miss your dick.

What?

Motherfucker, I said you ain't going back into that house

'cause your wife is getting piped down

by a swole, thick-ass nigga in your favorite chair,