Preschool

Dakotakid.

I'm here to impart my wisdom about what I've learned in life.

I'm not going to lie to you.

Or sugarcoat anything

because that wouldn't benefit either of us.

(WITH AMERICAN ACCENT) You're a miracle.

Yeah. I don't deserve you.

The rich are happier. There, I said it.

No one will ever love you more than me.

I will... I will...

I will tear down walls with my bare hands

if they get in your way.

All that crap about money being the root of all evil.

Do you know who says that?

Poor people. Poor people say that.

I will make absolutely sure

that you have every opportunity that life has to offer.

With money comes time and freedom.

And those two together are the key to life.

You tell me what you need.

Okay? What do you need? You want me to...

Want me to dance?

I could... I could dance. I could... I could sing?

So how do you make money?

Well, you could... be a professional athlete, or...

or a movie star.

But those rely on luck.

And you can't rely on luck. Not with our family.

What are you singing?

Uh, "Twinkle, Twinkle".

So the only way to guarantee success

is with an education.

Now, education nowadays is like a...

like a domino effect.

In order to get into a prestigious university,

you have to get into a prominent grammar school.

And in order to get into a prominent grammar school,

you have to get into a top-notch primary school.

And in order to prepare you for a top-notch primary school,

you have to go to a great...

preschool.

I thought you were... I thought you were sleeping.

Are you in full hair and makeup?

I don't know. Beautiful.

Can I get you anything? Champagne?

Sure. Some balloons?

Yep. Well, we got the...

Oh, good. We did it!

I know. You did it!

This is what a good education can do for you.

And I will make sure that you get it.

What are you shushing her for? She just had a baby.

Not my baby, was it? Stop it, Brian!

Have you noticed that he's the quietest?

Hi, Momma.

(GROANS) Oh, let's get in bed.

Stop!

Hello. Oh.

You just leave it to me. I'll take care of everything.

I'll take care of everything.

I promise. I promise you.

(CHEERFUL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMITATES PUNCHING, CHOKING SOUNDS)

Goodness, you're a psychopath, aren't you?

You're going to be a killer!

There you go.

There you go. You're getting it. Hey!

Hey, that could be you one day.

You can do anything you set your mind to, Gracie.

What are you doing?

She wanted to practice walking.

She's six months old. It's midnight.

(On TV) Oh, hi, guys. Hey, guess what?

I put on my own pants this morning. Did you?

Right, I'm off. You all right? Okay, babe.

"Time To Get Dressed" with the Wild and the Crazies?

You're de-educating him. Oh, right.

I taught him how to get dressed months ago.

Just let him enjoy it.

Flap it over like that. Flap it over like that.

Isn't that brilliant?

An astronaut goes like this.

You're on the moon.

The moon is right out there, honey.

The moon's right out there.

Name all the countries for Mummy, go.

Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Andorra, Angola,

Antigua and Barbuda, Argentina, Armenia, Australia, Austria,

Azerbaijan, Bahamas, Bahrain, Bangladesh,

Barbados, Belarus, Belgium, Belize, Benin, Bhutan,

Bolivia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei,

Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cabo Verde,

Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada...

Hi, baby.

Babe, I think he's ready.

We should check out some places. And they're incredible.

Yeah. Okay. Time for night-nights, isn't it?

(CHEERFUL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Aw, it's so cute!

Bubba! This way.

Oh.

How's my tie?

Relax. Just relax. You look great.

Do I? Yeah.

Ready? Yeah. Yeah.

You sure? Come on! Come on!

Right, babe, I'm not gonna let these people intimidate us.

No, we belong here.

Down here then.

This is the Oxford of preschools.

Did you know 82% of its graduates

are multi-millionaires now? Oh, yeah. Who told you that?

It's true, honestly. Well...

Look at them, bub.

Right, look at me. Come here.

I know you want the best for Dylan. I think it's lovely.

But let's just make sure we like it

before we start planning his graduation.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

(SMOOCHES) I love you. (SMOOCHES) Right, cool.

I belong here, babe.

(INTRIGUING PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry. Oh.

Did you see that, love? What? Do you mean,

did I see the five-year-old glued to his phone? Yeah, I did.

I think it's a bit young, don't you?

No, 'cause he was checking the stock market.

It's not dissimilar to where I went.

But we didn't have duckling racing.

It's very nice.

This is smart. (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, all the famous alumni.

Why have they got Mr. Bean up? Mr. Bean!

Sorry. Hiya. Hello.

We're going on a tour. Pardon me?

We're going on a tour. What'd you say?

We're...

Good morning. Good morning.

I'm Sylvia Lawrence, Director of Admissions.

Hi. Sylvia. Brian. Pleased to meet you.

Sarah. Hiya. Lovely to meet you.

It's lovely to see you both again.

It's good to see you again, Sylvia.

Good to see you.

Now, uh, I'm afraid I'm running short on time today,

so I've had to schedule

both of your introductory tours together.

I hope that's okay. It's fine with us.

And us. Great.

Did you get a chance to meet?

Brian and Sarah Young,

this is Alan and Lauren Williams.

Hiya. Hi.

Yo. Hi.

Okay, well, welcome

to Puggsley's Academy of Excellence.

This is where we prepare children

for every aspect of life.

We take children from four, all the way through to 18.

We would teach, well, Dylan and Grace,

how to capitalize on their strengths

by... by helping them build up their weaknesses

so that they have the... the confidence to tackle

any obstacle that might present itself in their future.

Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, uh, most preschools run half days.

Here at Puggsley, we're on full days.

That's great. Five days a week.

Workshops for the children every other weekend.

What kind of workshops?

Oh, they can range from AI through to Anglo-Saxon poetry.

Anglo-Saxon? They were before the Normans, weren't they?

Very good. English history.

Absolutely.

Our motto here at Puggsley is, uh, Puer paratus, puer felix.

"A prepared child..." "...is a successful child."

Oh, my God. Excellent.

Now, we only accept the best here,

and we make no apologies for that.

We want to create an environment where students push themselves

well past their potential.

Uh, after all, you can only get smarter

if you play a smarter opponent. Ah, steel sharpens steel.

Lemons make lemonade. What?

They do. Yes.

Um... All right.

Uh, if you'd like to follow me to my office,

I'd like to speak to you about something rather delicate.

What's going on? I'm... Yeah, losing it.

Thanks. Oh, no, please, please.

No, no, you have to... Honestly.

Every year at Puggsley's,

um, we have a limited number of spaces. Obviously.

The siblings of current students and alumnus get first priority.

Then, uh...

whatever slots are left, we offer to new children.