Seinfeld

It seems the way they design the car alarms...

is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous, hysterical person.

Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's:

Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy.

Not everyone wants to draw that much attention to themselves.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a car alarm that was more subtle?

Maybe just, you know, somebody tries to break in, and it goes:

"Excuse me?"

I would like a car alarm like that.

Do you believe this?

Car was parked right out front.

- Was the alarm on? - I don't know. I guess it was on.

I don't know my alarm sound. I'm not tuned into it like it's my son.

I don't understand. How do these thieves start the car?

- They cross the wires or something. - Cross the wires?

I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.

- Hey. - They stole my car.

- Who did? - They did.

Was it more than just one?

What should I do? Call the police?

What are they gonna do?

You know, I'd better call the car-phone company, cancel my service.

Maybe you should call your car phone.

Yeah.

He's probably driving it right now.

Wait a minute. Call the car phone. See what happens.

- Are you serious? - Yeah, go ahead. Call.

I don't even know if I remember the number.

What do I say if he picks up?

- Hello. - Hello.

- Is this 555-8383? - I have no idea.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

- Did you steal my car? - Yes, I did.

- You did? - I did.

- But that's my car. - I didn't know it was yours.

- What are you gonna do with it? - I don't know. Drive around.

- Then can I have it back? - No, I'm gonna keep it.

Let me talk to him. Give it, give it, give it.

- Hello. - Yeah, who's this?

- Kramer. - Hello, Kramer.

Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment.

Wait, hold it.

- Brown ones? - Yeah.

Could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my building.

- It's 129 West 81st Street. - 129... Okay.

All right, thanks a lot. Here's Jerry.

Gloves.

- Hello. - Jerry.

Yeah. Let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires?

I didn't cross any wires. The keys were in it.

Sid left the keys in the car. All right, I gotta go. Drive carefully.

Hey, Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find...

- Sid left the keys in the car. - Who's Sid?

Guy in the neighbourhood. He parks cars on the block.

- What do you mean? - He moves them from side to side...

so you don't get a ticket. - You pay him for that?

- Yeah. Like 50 bucks a month. - How many people does he do it for?

- The whole block, 40, 50 cars. - He only works three hours a day.

He makes a fortune. He's been doing that for years, right, Jerry?

Could anybody do that?

- Hey, Sid. What happened? - I'm sorry, Jerry.

Maybe I'm too old for this stuff.

You left the keys in the car?

Well, they're making that Woody Allen movie on the block...

and all those people and trucks everywhere...

and when I saw him, I must've been distracted.

- You know I'm in that movie. - You're what?

- Yeah, I'm an extra. - How'd you get that?

Well, I was just watching them film yesterday, and some guy asked me.

- Right out of the clear blue sky? - Clear blue sky.

- Why didn't they ask me? - I got a quality.

- Hey, Jerry, you got insurance, right? - Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.

I'm going to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday...

for a week, so I can't park it.

- This Wednesday? - No, next Wednesday.

Week after this Wednesday.

But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.

If I meant this Wednesday, I would've said this Wednesday.

It's the week after this Wednesday.

Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?

Whoever wants to move them. What do I care who moves them?

They can move themselves if they want.

Maybe I could move them until you get back.

What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't work?

I'm in a transition phase right now.

Well, if you want to move the cars, move the cars.

- Just don't forget to take the keys out. - All right.

Hello. Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom.

Just slide it all the way over.

You're welcome.

I'm in awe of his intellect. When he talks, it sounds like...

he's reading from one of his novels. - Owen March. I never heard of him.

- Well, he's not a baseball player. - Yeah, that's true.

- It sounds like it's going pretty good. - Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.

- What's that? - He's 66 years old.

Next, please.

Go. Go. She...

Go. Come on.

Can I help you? Name, please.

Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a midsize, and she's a small.

- I'm kidding around, of course. - Yes.

Okay, let's see here.

- Sixty-six years old? - Yeah, well, he's in perfect health.

He works out. He's vibrant. You'd really like him.

Why do people always say that? I hate everybody. Why would I like him?

Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?

Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant.

So vibrant she'd be spinning.

I'm sorry. We have no midsize available at the moment.

I made a reservation. Do you have my reservation?

Yes, we do. Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.

But the reservation keeps the car here.

That's why you have the reservation.

- I know why we have reservations. - I don't think you do.

If you did, I'd have a car.

See, you know how to take the reservation.

You just don't know how to hold the reservation.

And that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding.

Anybody can just take them.

Let me speak with my supervisor.

Well, here we go.

The supervisor.

- Know what she's saying over there? - What?

"Hey, Marge, see those two people? They think I'm talking to you.

So you pretend like you're talking to me. Okay, now you start talking."

"You mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something, but I'm not."

"Say something else, and they won't yell at me...

because they thought I was checking with you."

"Okay, I think that's enough. See you later."

I'm sorry. My supervisor says there's nothing we can do.

Yeah, it looked like you were in a real conversation over there.

Well, we do have a compact if you would like that.

- Fine. - All right.

Well, we have a blue Ford Escort for you, Mr. Seinfeld.

- Would you like insurance? - Yeah, give me the insurance...

because I am gonna beat the hell out of this thing.

Please fill this out.

Do you think I'm making a big mistake?

If you enjoy being with him, that's what's important.

I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him.

It's okay being with him.

- I just don't enjoy being with him. - Well, that's what important.

I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's.

Do I have to break up face to face, or can I just do it over the phone?

- How many times have you been out? - Seven.

Face to face.

Seven dates is a face-to-face breakup?

If it was six, I could've let you go.

But seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit.

Unless, of course, there was no sex.

How's the pasta over there?

What is going on out there?

I need a bucket of water. I got a car overheating.

I got an alarm that won't go off.

I'm pressing one. I'm pressing two. Nothing.

What do I do? Help me. Help me.

They were supposed to do my scene today.

- Today? - Yeah.

They said they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries.

So I start to walk, and I trip. And the grocery bag goes flying...

and Woody starts laughing. - He was laughing?

Oh, yeah. He was drinking something. It started to come out of his nose.

- So then what? - Well, I got a line in the movie!

- Get out! - That's great.

You got a line in a Woody Allen movie?

- Pretty good, huh? - You're in the movie?

- Is he in the scene? - Yeah, it's me and him.

I might have a new career on my hands, huh?

You mean "a career."

- So was Mia Farrow there? - I didn't see him.

- What's your line? - Well, okay, I'm there with Woody...

you know. I'm at this bar, and, you know, it's Woody Allen.

- Did I mention that? - We got it. We got it.

And I'm sitting there with Woody, and I turn to him and I go:

Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.

- Is that how you're gonna say it? - No, no. I'm working on it.

Do it like this.

- These pretzels are making me thirsty. - No.

- These pretzels are making me thirsty. - No, no. See, that's no good.

You don't know how to act.

These pretzels...

are making me thirsty!

- That was no good? - I didn't say anything.

All right, I'm gonna go break up with Owen.

What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation.

Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?

Maybe he's been in the bar a long time...

and he's really depressed because he has no job, and no woman...

and he's parking cars for a living!

All right! All right! Shut up! Shut up!

I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Yeah!

Oh, my God.

Call an ambulance.

Boy, he took it hard.

We were walking down the block...

I was about to break up with him, then he started to twitch.

Yes, I need an ambulance at 129 West 81st Street, Apartment 5A.

- Tell them to hurry. Hurry! - It's an ambulance.

I don't know, but he's unconscious.