The Simpsons

-(horn honking) -(Grampa shouts)

D'oh!

Ew.

Dad, what are you watching?

I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.

No, you're watching Baby Poindexter,

the most educational DVD available

at the checkout aisle at the grocery store.

Finally, a kid's show that isn't trying to sell you something.

Which reminds me,

we need to order more rectangles.

Friends.

Friends.

Colleagues.

Don't watch that DVD.

I threw that away because studies show

it doesn't do any good.

Look at me.

Maybe instead of watching TV with the kids,

you could take them outside.

What are you doing?

This so-called educational DVD may have even stunted

the development of the kids who watched it.

Wait a minute. Didn't Bart and I both watch this thing

when we were little?

I'm afraid so.

Well, the obvious question is,

why did I turn out so academically superior

while Bart...

While Bart turned out so wonderful in his own way.

That's the way people talk about Ralph.

Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter.

I wish I knew what happened.

But now that I know better,

no DVDs for you kids.

Just educational television.

We return to Ice-Road Hand-Fishing.

This has been our way of life since we were pitched

the idea by reality show producers.

Welcome to Thieving-Bear Chopper-Hunt.

-Okay, no TV at all. What?

Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment,

but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.

Fine. No TV for 24 hours.

24 hours?

Where'd you pull that crazy number?

We can do without TV for a day.

We're taking Maggie to a children's book store,

where she can learn the old-fashioned way.

The way children did from 1910 to 2002.

Homer, a little help?

I'm on it.

Hmm. Hmm.

If I buy you, why do I need all these books?

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Instead of watching TV, we can read children's books

written by TV stars.

Who's Milli Vanilli?

I don't know, kid. I didn't write this.

No refunds.

Look, Maggie, they have a story lady.

One day, Silly Sally said,

"Let's have a sloppy, gloppy supper."

First, they slurped their soup.

Slurp, slurp, slurp.

Then they chewed their bread.

Chew, chew, chew.

More soup?

Oh, I could slurp this soup forever.

Slurp, slurp...

Sorry, folks, she doesn't even work here.

"Spot the hidden objects."

Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.

Gotcha.

Candy cane in the umbrella stand:

oldest trick in the book.

Okay, let's see.

Ah, ah. (mutters)

Have you seen Lisa and Maggie?

If they're not a trumpet or a rolling pin, then no.

Yip!

Homie, help me find them.

Okay, now to see if I can apply my book knowledge

to the real world.

Got them.

Wow, no TV for 24 hours?

I couldn't get through a day without

Doctors Oz, Phil and Gupta.

You're right. I'm bored.

-Epoxy fight! -(groans)

What the hell is an epoxy fight?

Oh.

Don't worry, I'll clean it up.

Get me some whip cream and a safety scissors.

Don't worry, all I need is a cigarette lighter

and some sandpaper.

All right, let's just use a razor.

Oh, my God.

You look just like your dad.

Let's see how far we can take this.

And finally the tie.

I always wanted to wear a necktie. Mom says they make you more...

...of a man.

Now sing the alphabet song.

What if we Van Houten to the max?

Whoa, that's a little too tight. Oh, yeah.

Nah, back to the sweet spot.

Milhouse,

if people believe you're a grown-up, we can do anything.

Like we go to a movie theater and pay full price?

That would be awesome!

Okay, first, tone it down.

Time to teach you to be a man.

What, now I'm not pulling it off?

And put the gas bill on auto-pay.

Nice.

Time for your final test.

Oh, great.

Another invasive Skype from Mil... Huh?

Hello, Lisa. This is my daddy.

I mean, um, Kirk Van Houten.

May I speak to your father, please?

He's right here.

Homer, Bart would like to spend the night at our house,

and he has my permission.

Sure. What do I care?

-Not so fast! -Huh?

I also want to say that Bart is a remarkable boy,

and I disapprove of your fathering

and of your fat stomach.

Oh, well, uh... sorry.

Give him anything he wants-- bigger allowance, a new bike--

just do it.

Whatever you say, sir.

Dad, why are you kowtowing to Mr. Van Houten?

Sometimes it's just so nice to have a man take charge.

And in ten years, make Lisa go to the prom with Milhouse.

Dad.

Grown-ups have their reasons.

Now, I want you to eat a gallon of ice cream

in under two minutes.

But I just did that.

You now have one minute, 55 seconds.

I'm going to like being an adult. (laughs)

Now you're the same height as your dad.

I can reach the poisons now,

each with an inviting skull and crossbones.

Kirk, you're wearing that shirt I bought you.

I thought you didn't like it.

I love when you buy me clothes.

You know what's itchy and what's not.

Oh, Kirk Evelyn Van Houten.

I wish my dad

could have been here to see my parents kiss.

Now, did you get Kirk's license?

-Uh-huh. -Ay, caramba!

I rented a truck.

I'm driving a truck.

I crashed a truck.

I rented another truck.

Hey, Simpson, don't you have a lame dad of your own?

Uh, I-I'd give you all my money,

but my wallet is Velcroed too tight.

You're the wussiest adult I've ever seen.

An adult-- he's buying it.

Kirk, remember,

you have the superpowers of a middle-aged man.

Hello, Mr. Kirk.

I want to buy this beer, uh, cigarettes,

magazines with boobs and three pairs of sunglasses.

Polarized.

I suspect you are buying for underage bullies,

but as that is 98% of my business,

I say, "Thank you, sir. Come again."

Yo, Bart.

Your grown-man friend is all right.

We should start threatening more adults.

Wouldn't that make us criminals instead of bullies?