QI

Good evening.

And welcome to a truly remarkable, rabble-rousing, absolutely ravenous,

really rather rude collection of my favourite bits of business

from a series of QI that's all about the letter R.

Here are a few Danish words just to see if you can see

what they mean.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Bag-slag"? "Bag-slag".

It's not funny to me at all?

What, "bag-slag"? No, it's bagslag.

THEY ALL REPEAT "BOWSLAY"

Yes. And is it still a slapper?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Just politely! Dancing round the handbag. Yeah!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Oh, Sandra, come away, you bag-slag!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

No, it means backfire.

Bagslag.

So, then, what does...? Isn't that what fart is?

Yeah, so does fart, yeah.

"Fart" is the Danish word for speed.

So you have to mind your fart.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What about the other one?

Anybody want to try? Boghandel. Berk-hand-l.

Yeah, how do you pronounce that one?

Boghandel. Bo-handle.

No, no. Boghandel.

Boghandel.

Bo-hand-a.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This is so fun!

"Bo" means book and "handel" is the handler of the books,

so it's the book shop.

Boghandel. Book shop.

Yeah. Bog-handle.

So you'd go, "I need to go..."

Fart down to the book shop. "..fart to the book shop."

LAUGHTER

"I want to read 50 Shades of Grey because I'm a bag-slag."

LAUGHTER

Actually, this is one of my favourite stories.

Does anybody remember Fabio? Do you remember Fabio?

Oh, yeah. Sexy Fabio?

Sexy Fabio. Sexy Fabio.

There he is, sexy Fabio.

He was often on the, sort of, cover of romance novels.

Anyway, he went on a roller-coaster.

It was the inaugural ride of this roller-coaster in Virginia.

Oh, I remember this.

This was in 1999 and he killed a goose with his face.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What?!

LAUGHTER

What do you mean?!

Help!

Everyone thought it was hilarious.

Look at that girl behind him.

This is the thing.

"Oh, Fabio, even when you do that, it's sexy." Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Weird question - do geese like roller-coasters?

No, the goose flew at his face. It flew into his face.

Here's the thing, is that we're not really sure whether the goose flew

into the roller-coaster and then hit Fabio...

"That looks like Fabio, isn't it?"

LAUGHTER

"It could be, you know."

"He's moving!"

LAUGHTER

HE HONKS LIKE A GOOSE

LAUGHTER

Anyway, he said afterwards,

he said, "It was very dangerous to go on roller-coasters.

"This was clearly not a freak accident and it would happen again."

LAUGHTER

As far as we know, it hasn't.

"This is going to happen again.

"It's a ticking time..."

I reckon, if a bird did fly in his face, at that speed,

he'd have had much more serious damage than that.

It was probably pulling up, wasn't it?

LAUGHTER

Whoa! Whoa!

I imagine it was right on the belly.

If it was this soft behind of a goose...

Yeah. ..then perhaps that would have...

You mean he was pursuing the goose? He was pursuing...

LAUGHTER

"Get off, Fabio! Get off!"

And then it just went up a loop, and went right round.

How I wish you two had been the detectives on this case.

LAUGHTER

"I'm coming for you!"

LAUGHTER

"Hey, ladies, watch me get this goose on my nose. Watch this."

LAUGHTER

Voo-voo-voo-voo-voof!

"This could happen again."

LAUGHTER

How would you sell a house right next to a nuclear power plant?

How do you sell it? How do you sell it? Yeah, how would you sell it? Rightmove?

I don't know, I mean, estate agent?

Yes, go to the estate agent.

Well, when you take photographs...

Yeah. ..face the other way. Yes.

And then try and distract people.

You are exactly right.

Have a look at this. This is 2009.

This was a charming, three-bedroom, Kent cottage that was for sale.

The estate agent failed to mention the view

if you stood behind the house.

Let's just have a look at the view. There we are.

LAUGHTER

Wow!

It's 100 yards from Dungeness Nuclear Power Station -

one of the largest nuclear power stations in Europe -

and they didn't mention it.

When they were asked about it, they said,

"The thing is, anywhere on Dungeness is close to the power station."

LAUGHTER

And if the nuclear power station are out, you have to collect their deliveries as well.

Yes!

LAUGHTER

"Could you hold on to this glowing box for 12 hours?" "It a bit hot!"

LAUGHTER

Well, we've all done a motorway mooney.

We haven't all done a motorway mooney, Holly Walsh.

It's just you. OK, fine. Who's done a motorway mooney?

Have you done a motorway mooney?

No.

Please say, "No."

You need to back me up here. You must have done one.

It was in France. It wasn't here.

Oh, that doesn't count?

It's different. An autoroute booty.

I thought, "No-one will know it's me."

I was on my own.

I wouldn't take my trousers off in front of anyone.

You were on your own? Were you driving?

How does that work?

I'm a very talented driver.

I was going to say!

Although, I was being taught how to drive a tractor once by a farmer...

Right. ..and I hadn't realised that the farmer had jumped off.

How could you not notice? There's not doors, or anything.

He was stood on the outside and we were talking,

and I thought, "He's been quiet for a while."

He'd fallen to his death!

We had done gone quite a long way,

and he hadn't yet taught me how to stop it.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Well, I had to crash into a barn.

You began this story by saying, "I have many skills."

And then the first thing you say is you drove a tractor into a barn.

What comes next in this sequence?

That actually looks like Take That just before Robbie left.

LAUGHTER

Very good.

Which end are we adding to? We're adding to the right.

What's the next one?

Is it vomit? It is vomit, darling.

It's known as BARF. Yeah.

It's the Baxter Animated Retching Faces.

Mm. Hm. Ha. Huh.

Arghh!

What it is, it's used for children

so, when they've got nausea and they can't explain exactly

how bad they feel... Oh.

..then you use this, usually with a computer screen so the user

can kind of scroll up and down,

and stop at the one that describes how they're feeling.

I need to bring that and give it to my friends for nights out.

"I don't... Hi, darling. I'm bo-..."

"Oh, is she going to go?" "Darling, point!" "Ey?" "Point! Point!"

"She's about to spew." "Hold my hair, John. Hold..."

LAUGHTER

"You're all right, darling. You're fine."

"You're all right." "I'm so sorry."

"It's OK. We still love you." "I'm so sorry..."

"She'll be fine. She'll be fine."

"Once I get it out, I can go again."

"Yeah." "It's preventative."

"That's why we love you."

SHE MAKES RETCHING SOUND

"Am I still pretty, John?"

"Yeah, you're always pretty."

LAUGHTER

"Wipe that off a bit. There you go."

"Best friend I've ever had, John."

"She'll be fine."

LAUGHTER

This is classic me.

It's normally, "Aisling!"

"Yeah-huh?"

"Aisling!"

"Be out in two minutes."

LAUGHTER

"Just say something so we know you're not dead, love."