An Idiot Abroad

And he's a friend.

He's a typical little Englander, and he doesn't like

going out of his comfort zone.

Bollocks are squashed.

I just think that it'd be amazing to send him around the world.

What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures,

other peoples, and see if, in any way, we can change his outlook on the world.

I've been to many exotic places.

I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.

I want him to hate it.

I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick.

I am that stick.

And now I have the might of Sky behind me.

This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done.

And it's gonna be great.

Just let me go home! Jesus.

Karl, we've arranged for you to go to Egypt to see the great pyramids.

I mean, there is a remarkable site, truly one of the seven

wonders of the world.

Now, what do you know about the great pyramids?

Over 4,000 years old.

4,000 years old.

Are they the oldest thing on the world?

I told you, he needs an absolute.

He needs an absolute.

Yeah, they're the oldest thing on the world.

I mean, that's pretty amazing, that I'm gonna see the

oldest thing on the world.

They're not the oldest thing on the world, are they?

How do you think they built it?

They took their time.

Didn't have any distractions.

Now you see workmen, it's like, "you got to get it done.

We've got another job on."

Back then, they'd just be going, "This is what we've got to do.

Get it done.

Get it built.

Go for that shape."

And each day, they would have just... the foreman went, "Go for

that shape," and they went, "All right."

Yeah.

Right.

Go on, then. Enjoy the pyramids.

All right.

I think we've got to send him economy.

I think we've got to put him up in shacks and awful hotels, and

that will be funny.

The nice hotel seems to have gone now.

That's not good, is it?

This is grim 'round here.

And something looks grim in the dark, you know it's not gonna be

better in the day, don't you?

We had here Michael Palin, monty python.

And has he been back since?

No.

Thank you.

How long are we here?

Huh?

How long are we here for?

I don't know what... this is... this is a bit of a... it's a little bit grim.

Look at it.

Did Ricky and Steve know this was... Well, they knew Michael Palin stayed here.

Yeah, I know, but it was 30 years ago.

A lot's changed.

You know, I was still at school.

How many days am I here?

There's a piano right outside the room.

When do they start playing that piano?

'Cause it's literally right there.

If they start having a sing-along, I'm...

Sit on that.

Sit on that.

Is there a mattress on it?

Sit on it.

Honest to God, sit on that.

It is unbelievable.

Oh, God.

How am I gonna sleep?

It's a bit cozy, you know.

Ricky will be all over the moon with this when he sees this

'cause he wants to annoy me.

I don't know how this is teaching me anything about sort

of, you know, being egyptian.

I mean, the fella who owns the place, his dad's 96.

There's no way he lived to be 96 by living on a bed like that in

a dump room like this, having them out there all night beeping.

I'll leave it there.

I don't know what I'm going to be doing today, 'cause I haven't

heard from Ricky and Steve yet.

So I'm just gonna go, you know, go out for a wander...

Walk about, deal with some locals, you know.

That's the plan, really.

- No, thanks, mate. - Drink.

- A what? - Cold drink.

Coca-Cola, sprite, water, tea, cafe, nescafe, cappuccino, mango, beer.

All drink, 10 pound.

Yeah, I'm all right at the moment.

I might pop in later on.

My name is sharif, okay?

- Sharif. - Sharif.

- Welcome to Egypt. - Cheers, Sharif.

I'll be here, okay?

I'll be there for a drink if I want to get a drink.

- Cheers. - It's all right.

I've just had a word with sharif.

He's gonna look after me.

Sharif, no cafe.

That's eat?

- Yes. - Oh, okay.

So, if I want a drink, see you, and see you for something to eat.

Cheers.

- Thank you. - Bye-bye.

Oh, yeah.

That's good.

- Have a nice time. - I will.

Thanks a lot.

Cheers.

Come back here.

If I want a drink or something.

My name's sharif.

He's sharif.

No, no.

My name's sharif, Omar sharif.

Omar sharif.

He's sharif.

Omar sharif.

I'll pop in there if I'm hungry.

I'm not hungry at the moment.

All right.

Honestly, it's all right.

Yeah, it's all right.

What do you want, a drink?

I'm just walking through.

If I get thirsty, I'll pop by.

Do you know what?

I'm not hungry at the moment.

- -Yes? - Yeah, I was back there.

I sort of got off food a little bit.

I'm okay at the moment.

Thanks a lot.

Cheers.

I've already got some.

Don't smoke.

If I wanted a watch, I'd buy one off you.

Don't need.

It's for a woman.

My girlfriend's head is slightly bigger.

I don't need any glasses.

If there's one thing that's done me head in since I've been here,

it's all this.

You can't walk down there.

Forget, like, just using it as a cut through, 'cause it's not a shortcut.

It can't be a shortcut, 'cause you get stopped every few seconds.

Yeah, all right.

So, I mean, I bet she left the house when she was 10.

I'll tell you, seriously, it takes you forever to get anything done here.

Hi.

Didn't sleep at all.

I'm gonna go over and see the pyramids today.

That's the plan. That's why I'm in Egypt, isn't it?

I mean, I wish I could have seen them sooner.

You know, the sooner I see them, the sooner I can go home, but,

yeah, Steve's sorted out some local bloke who's got a camel.

He's gonna take me over there on one of them.

When I was younger, I got on a horse, and someone sort of

burned the horse's ass.

It bolted, and I was on it and falling off the edge.

So I've always said I'd never go on any animal that's sort of bigger than me.

So it's a little bit crazy, but it seems to be the way they get around here anyway.

They're all using donkeys and camels.

So as long as nobody is neighbour with a fag end,

it should be alright, really.

It's crazy here, though, isn't it?

It's the non-touristy bit, isn't it?

This is what it's all about.

So, yeah, I'm meeting this fella.

Need to use his toilet straightaway. Is that rude?

No, it should be all right.

- Mahmoud. - Hi.

- How are you doing? - Fine.

- Good to see you. - Good to see you, too.

I'm Karl. Welcome.

Come in. How you doing?

Do you mind if I use your toilet quickly?

It's just that I've drank a lot of coffee this morning.

That's my family here.

Hello.

Who's that?

Cooking tea.

Is that your girlfriend?

She's my mother.

Your mother!

Come on, man.

She's not your mother.

She is.

Can I ask how old she is?

She's 38.

She is my mother.

In our family, we marry when we're very young.