The Monkey's Uncle

Uh-huh, she loves the monkey's uncle, yeah, yeah

She loves the monkey's uncle, whoa, whoa

She loves the monkey's uncle

And the monkey's uncle's ape for me

Well, I don't care what the whole world thinks

She loves the monkey's uncle

Call us a couple of missing links

She loves the monkey's uncle

Love all his monkeyshines whoo ooh ooh

Every day is valentine's

I love the monkey's uncle

And the monkey's uncle's ape for me

Ape for me

Uh-huh, she loves the monkey's uncle, yeah, yeah

She loves the monkey's uncle, whoa, whoa

She loves the monkey's uncle

And the monkey's uncle's ape for me

We kiss and my heart jumps like a clown

the monkey's uncle

Feels like the circus just came to town

She loves the monkey's uncle

I'd live in a jungle gym whoo ooh ooh

In order to be with him

I love the monkey's uncle

And I wish I were the monkey's aunt

Monkey's aunt

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

On the day he marries me

What a nutty family tree a bride

A groom, a chimpanzee

he's the booby prize

She loves the monkey's uncle

He's the guy I idolize

She loves the monkey's uncle

Love all his monkeyshines whoo ooh ooh

Every day is valentine's

I love the monkey's uncle

And the monkey's uncle's ape for me

Ape for me

Uh-huh, she loves the monkey's uncle, yeah, yeah

She loves the monkey's uncle, whoa, whoa

I love the monkey's uncle

And I’m mad about his chimpanzee

Your name is Merlin Jones,

And you're a student at Midvale college.

Yes, your honor.

Mr. Jones, you realize

This is a most unusual adoption petition.

Yes, your honor, I do.

In the first place, you don't have

The written consent of the natural parents.

Well, I-I can't get that, sir.

Are they alive?

They may be. If they are, they're somewhere in Africa.

And in the second place,

well, you, the adopting parent,

A-are an unmarried male.

That's correct, sir.

And in the third place,

There's, uh, no precedent for adopting a chimpanzee.

I know that, your honor.

tell me, why are you so anxious to adopt this chimpanzee?

To give him the advantages of a good home.

But you don't have to adopt him

To give him a nice clean cage

And a bunch of bananas.

your honor, I want Stanley to have more than that.

I want him to have a stimulating environment.

I want him to have a chance

To realize his full intellectual possibilities.

Yes, I remember.

Uh, you believe that chimps

Can be trained to think like humans.

Yes, sir.

I believe that Stanley can be taught to work and think

On a college-student level.

Well, that seems reasonable.

I know college students

Who work and think on a chimpanzee level.

yes, sir.

And if Stanley had legal status, he'd be protected.

People couldn't be complaining or phoning the police

About him living in the house and things like that.

Will the young lady who testified

As a character witness for Mr. Jones

Please come forward?

You testified that Merlin Jones is of good character

And is a sober and industrious citizen.

Yes, sir, he is.

Do you believe

That he will give Stanley every care and affection?

Oh, Merlin is very affectionate.

oh.

I mean, he's very responsible,

And I’m sure he'll see

That Stanley gets lots of care and affection.

Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Jones, uh...

After due consideration of this matter,

I have reached my decision.

Uh, the petition for formal adoption as presented

Is herewith denied.

However, it is not now, nor ever,

The intention of this court

To stifle the academic freedom of this community.

Mr. Jones, to provide you with the proper status

Within which Stanley’s mental capacities

May be brought to full flower,

I am persuaded that some form

Of conditional guardianship may be in order.

So, henceforth, you will be regarded

In the eyes of this court

And are so appointed as the monkey's uncle.

Oh, thank you, sir!

But he's not a monkey, sir. He's a chimp.

Oh, yes, yes, of course, a chimp.

Uh, order! Order in the court!

Oh, uh, bailiff, next petition, please.

Uh...

Oh, Stanley. You're civilized now, Stanley,

Which means that there's more to life

Than just eating and sleeping and watching westerns.

There, that's Beethoven’s fifth symphony.

It's a lot better than cowboys and indians, isn't it?

No, Stanley,

The idea is to expose you to intellectual influences.

That's better, isn't it?

You tired, son?

Of course you are. It's late.

Come on, Stanley, it's bedtime.

There you go.

It's been a long day for you, hasn't it?

No, Stanley, you're forgetting something.

We brush our teeth before we go to bed.

That's a good boy, Stanley.

All right, Stanley.

Now, you see, this is your toothbrush.

The other one's mine.

First thing we do is squeeze out the toothpaste on the brush,

Like this.

And then we brush our teeth.

Now, open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

That's good. Now, we brush up and down.

Up and down, you see?

That's a good boy.

That's very good, Stanley, up and down.

There's someone at the door. You keep brushing your teeth.

Jennifer.

Why do you look so surprised?

You're taking me to a movie, remember?

But I-I made that date before I became Stanley’s uncle.

Well, that doesn't mean we can't go out anymore.

But, Jennifer, you heard what Judge Holmsby said.

I have to give Stanley care and affection.

The most devoted parents in the world

Get babysitters and go out occasionally.

Leave Stanley with a sitter? I couldn't do that.

There's lots of girls at school who do sitting,

And they're very competent.

I'll tell you what I’ll do.

I'll put Stanley to bed,

And then we can go out in the yard and talk.

Merlin, stop fussing.

You take a beast fresh out of the jungle, and you--

Jen. What's the matter?

Please don't ever use that word around Stanley.

What word, jungle?

shh! He might hear you.

Merlin, you're being absolutely ridiculous

About that chimp.

Ridiculous, am I?

Just let me show you the progress he's made.

oh!

Progress?

Well, now, here's a nice glass of water

In case you get thirsty.

And in case you get hungry--

Merlin, you're spoiling him.

Jen, please, let's not quarrel in front of him.

Uncle Merlin is treating Stanley like a little baby, isn't he?

but Stanley’s really a big, grown-up boy.

Put these on his head.

One here and one here and one here.

Curlers?

Stanley, isn't this exciting?

Tomorrow morning when you wake up,

You'll be the only curly-top chimp in the world.

That's not the idea at all.

I'm preparing him for a little sleep learning.

Sleep learning?

You mean where they put what you have to learn on a record,

And you let it play all night while you're asleep,

And the next morning you know it?

Uh-uh, that's the old sleep learning.

I've got a new idea.

You see, I bypass the ear entirely,

And by bone conduction, I pipe it through the learning centers