Family Guy

We now return to Doctor Who Farted.

Doctor, the alien attack has begun!

We've got to return to the 21st century!

Uh... we can't go into the time machine right now.

But they're going to kill us all!

All right, all right, just one second.

So, how was your weekend?

I-Is, is it your line?

I don't... Uh, no, I don't think so.

I'm-I'm sorry, whose line is it?

Cut!

That was Peter's line. Where's Peter?

Sorry, I was in my trailer eating fancy nuts and smoking.

All right, everybody, take five.

Okay, I'll be in my dressing room playing online poker.

That's me asking for help.

Hi, I'm James Woods.

You might know me from banging your niece

on a pile of your brother's pool equipment.

Or from Salvador.

But tonight, I'm here to take you

behind the scenes on the set of Family Guy.

For the first time ever, you'll see what a typical

production week is like for TV's 11th favorite family.

So please join me as we go

Inside Family Guy.

It's certainly not easy being a family

that also happens to star in a sitcom together.

Especially last year, when I discovered

those naked pictures of that 18-year-old intern

on Peter's phone.

But he explained that his phone number

was the old number of-of her ex-boyfriend,

so... what was it again?

Oh, the Cloud, that's right.

So the photos were on the Cloud,

and that the-the Cloud pulled the pictures or...?

I mean, even if the pictures had not been sent directly to him,

and that's why he has them.

And-and we both called the Apple store,

and they said they can't disprove that it doesn't happen,

so here we are, still married, still on the show.

A-And it's happened five times since then,

and some of the pictures had both Peter and the girl in them.

Being on this show reminds me

of one of my favorite quotes from Macbeth.

What's the quote?

Whoa!

I didn't realize this was a trial.

Objection, Your Honor.

Oh, yeah, it's great, you know, doing a show with your family.

'Cause what guy doesn't want to go to his office

and have his family there?

You know, and then you go home after work

and catch up with the family.

- And then, uh, - next day, same thing.

Just trying to make it to the weekend, so you can, uh...

spend some time with the family.

Isn't that the dream?

Now, I-I understand the show

was quite different when it started.

Yeah, in the original pilot, I was actually the star.

It was called, Teen Doctor.

Sir, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

Well, it can't be any worse than what's in here.

I ad-libbed that line.

I wasn't even supposed to talk.

What they didn't know is that I'd been privately

doing jokes about the newspaper for years.

But, you know, it's not just the Griffins

who work hard to make Family Guy what it is.

Here in the props department,

some sweaty guy is working on the Petercopter.

That's right.

You know, a lot of people don't realize SEAL Team Six

actually completed their mission in this puppy.

Oh, cool, Family Guy!

Over here! I'm down here!

Knock-knock?

Yeah? Hi, Stewie.

Hey, I was just showing the viewers around Family Guy,

and we thought we'd drop in and talk to you about the show.

You want to talk about the show?

I'll talk about the show. The show sucks.

The only reason I stay here is to maintain my profile

Hi. Are you a straight, adult male who likes

to eat crepes without people making unwanted assumptions

about your private life?

place your order, and within 30 minutes...

Very masculine pizza delivery for Stewie Griffin?

Oh, thank you.

Mmm, strawberry-banana Nutella with raspberry drizzle!

Now I just need a guy's butt to eat this off of,

and I got myself a night.

But of course, every episode of Family Guy

starts with the writing.

And here we are... the Family Guy writers' room...

where the writers are hard at work

with the show's talented cast.

Look, don't get me wrong, guys, I-I think it's hilarious,

and-and I totally get that the sex thing

is what made me popular, but would it kill us

to just once tell a joke that brings glory to God?

Eight years ago, Glenn opened a restaurant where he was

spying on ladies peeing in the bathroom.

As part of the class-action settlement,

he entered rehab, and that's where he found Jesus.

The restaurant was called Sprinklers.

That should've been a tip-off.

He still runs Dumpy's, but I'm pretty sure that one's legit.

As the star of the show,

Peter likes to stay involved in the writing process.

All right, butthorns,

which one of you idiots wrote this script?

Uh, I did.

Oh, what'd you write it, like, on a computer?

Yeah.

So you know a lot about computers?

Yeah.

Can you show me how to turn off the flashlight on my phone?

Don't touch my phone!

And another thing, I read this piece of garbage script.

It's only one page.

That's never gonna cut it.

Uh, that's just the cover.

You can turn the page, like this.

Well, why you hiding all these pages behind the first page?!

What's wrong with them?!

Stand by your work or get out!

Now, spit in each other's mouths.

You know I'm only tough on you 'cause I hate you, right?

Yeah, over the years, Peter's become just a total nightmare.

I mean, you know, he's not Jim Belushi.

He's not peeing in Snapple bottles on set,

which is, like, a totally real thing.

But he-he's-he's pretty bad.

Dad refuses to interact with any actors on set.

He'll only rehearse with helium balloons

with crudely drawn faces on them.

I'm sorry, Meg, but you're grounded.

But, Dad, the prom is tonight. Over.

You heard your father, Meg. Over.

Peter, you ready to hit the Drunken Clam?

Over.

It's difficult having to give up my chair for the balloon.

But that's the business we call "show."

Excuse me, Joe.

The Fat Man's behavior has been deteriorating

for quite some time.

And I think someone may have

placed an anonymous phone call to the network about it.

Word around the stage is they've decided to finally fire Peter

and replace him with another actor.

And this time, it's permanent.

Not like when we killed off Brian for a few episodes,

so he could shoot that crappy movie... what was it?

It was a remake of Old Yeller where the dog

gets the drop on him and kills him first.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

They miscalculated the number of dogs who buy movie tickets.

It's actually pretty awkward.

I mean, Dad's the only one in the whole production

who doesn't know he's being fired.

But he'll find out tomorrow at the table read.

This is how we did that.

Bet you didn't know.

The table read is where the Family Guy cast reads aloud

that week's script to see how the story

and the jokes are working.

And where Peter will learn he's being written off the show.

Okay, everybody, welcome to the table read for this week's

episode, entitled, "Peter Dies (We're Really Serious, No Joke,

He's Dead and Never Coming Back)."

Oh, and there's other pages. You got to turn them.

Here, let me show you.

"Interior, Griffins' living room, day.

"Brian, Meg and Chris watch TV.

Lois enters, upset."

You guys, I have terrible news!

Your father is dead.

He was shot in the head while killing himself.

I suppose he had his demons.

And his enemies.

Wait, I'm... I'm what?

Oh-oh, I know.

Stewie's gonna fire up his time machine and undo this.

"Stewie enters."

Brian, bad news.

My time machine got a virus

that causes Dad to die again if it's ever used.

Oh, wait, you know what?

I-I bet this is all Chris' dream.

Wow, I am wide awake!

Okay, but there's no way this is real.

They'd have to bring in someone to replace me.

"Uncle Ricky, played by sitcom buzzard

David Spade, enters."

Hi, everybody.

Uncle Ricky!