Crooked Lines (Linhas Tortas)

STRAIGHT LINES.

DON'T BE LATE.

It's always the same.

Life is the dictatorship of chance over the weak.

- But it's not a story. - Of course it is.

Why wouldn't it be?

I am not capable, of telling my story.

Five volumes,

five chapters,

five stanzas, five verses,

five acts, five sentences, five words.

You choose. I like your story. I'm hooked already.

Why?

I think by the end, I'll have fallen for you!

You are not me!

You are not me!

- You're not me! - I am not you!

- That's just it! - Yes!

- Right, you're not me! - You're not me!

So, what do you think? Tell me.

Let's try again, I'll do it more, more...

Take your time!

- I'm trying! - There's no-one here.

You're no bother!

- Yes, I know! - Stop as much as you like!

Take all the time you need!

- OK. - Let's go!

I could hear that from the stairs!

"If it's too loud, you're too old."

Charles Dickens?

Ted Nugent, American rocker.

I was going to ask you some questions,

but I see that this Ted

doesn't teach you much.

STRAIGHT LINES.

GOD LOVES LINES.

I HAD SOME STRAIGHT LINES HERE, BUT I SNORTED THEM.

HE'S RIGHT, LINES ARE USEFUL FOR WRITING.

This one!

You should've got a new tie!

Unless the programme's on the History channel.

Great!

I'll go without a tie!

- Break a leg! - I like this attitude better!

Why are you so reluctant? Is it because it's television?

I've got nothing against television,

it's as good a place as any to be stupid.

Damn, you get more pessimistic by the day!

What about you? How are things?

Still the same old sh*t. It's been worse.

What about Conceição?

We haven't spoken since,

only through lawyers.

You'll meet Raquel, I'm bringing her to dinner.

What about you?

I don't like talking about my life.

Can't we take a bit off?

Don't worry, you won't notice it later on TV, OK?

António Almeida, Marco Resende, our director.

Relax, have a seat.

Just one more thing.

You start, then hand over to António.

We start with International news, so I'll speak first.

If that's OK with António?

If anything goes wrong, remember: just keep talking, no silence.

- Which camera is first? - Camera 1.

Call Sónia.

Get her here.

Good evening, our guest tonight is António Almeida,

writer and journalist,

and author of a notable column read by many of us, "Crooked Lines".

His sharpness, irony and humour

have made António Almeida a much-loved journalist

and it is these qualities that bring him here today.

It strikes me, there's a big confusion here.

You can't ask an international body of this size to suddenly...

If we look at...

Let's hear António Almeida.

Are you worried by the rise of nationalism in Europe?

and even in the US?

I'm more concerned

What worries me the most is that nationalism and the extreme right

are the direct consequences of the failure of liberal democracy.

Perhaps we can accept the failure of liberal democracy,

but not a fascist regime.

In the 30s, we used to say:

anyone who doesn't want to criticise capitalism,

should keep quiet about fascism.

Well, for me it's very clear...

You know the text!

The text isn't the problem,

I think the text is good,

What is it, then?

What's worrying you?

What's the matter?

Life with David's a mess.

I thought it'd be different when we moved to Lisbon,

that a change of city, of country could be good for us...

He's frustrated because it's not going as well as he hoped

and I'm not much help.

You think it's funny?

What are you waiting for? Send him back to London.

He's an arrogant sh*t and doesn't even like being here.

And you?

I stopped thinking about that.

You can't think about happiness if you want to be in a good mood.

What is it?

Maximum temperatures are 15 degrees Celisus for Lisbon, 13 for Porto,

17 degrees for Faro. We'll be back tomorrow.

See you tomorrow, weather permitting.

- Evening. - Well?

I won't be doing that again.

- You have to try again. - You go.

They're looking for someone.

Chill.

SOCIETY MUST POISON A MAN

SEVERAL TIMES OVER HIS LIFE

BEFORE HE DIES.

STRAIGHT LINES.

THERE ARE VERY FEW FAT REBELS.

THE EMPIRE'S FUTURE COULD LIE IN FREE SUGAR.

IT'S CRUCIAL TO SWITCH POSITIONS.

MUSEUM REVEALS THE SIZE OF RASPUTIN'S PENIS

Here is your order. Enjoy!

Can I? Would you like anything else?

I'm not sure it's nice, but it's certainly moving.

I think I'm good at making people feel things.

I don't even do it on purpose.

I don't even do it on purpose.

It just comes out like that, it's natural.

Oh my god...

STRAIGHT LINES.

GOD DOESN'T LIKE STRAIGHT LINES.

DOES HE PREFER THEM CROOKED SO IT'S MORE NOTICEABLE HE WRITES STRAIGHT?

MAYBE.

PEOPLE DRAW STRAIGHT LINES. HE DREW CURVED AND CROOKED ONES.

DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING?

NO.

SO GOD'S AN ARTIST.

I SEE YOU'RE ABOUT TO OPEN IN A PLAY.

YES, IT'S MY FIRST PROPER ROLE.

I MUST REMEMBER TO CONGRATULATE THE COMPANY.

I HAD A FIRST AS WELL YESTERDAY.

A FIRST?

YES, A FIRST AS A FOOL.

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU ON OPENING NIGHT.

I CAN LEAVE TWO TICKETS FOR GRIGORI RASPUTIN.

DON'T COUNT ON ME PRAISING YOUR HUMOUR,

IT'S THE BIGGEST MISTAKE MODERN MEN MAKE.

Do you know who he is, yet?

No, not yet.

And you're going to meet him anyway?

No, he's coming to the show and then we'll see.

Prepare yourself,

the guy's either old or married, or bedridden or a bit of each.

AND YOU'LL FALL IN LOVE WITH A DEAD RUSSIAN WITCH.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME.

Never mind, he's the coolest guy ever.

Is that a joke?

No.

Good evening. Enjoy the show.

Good evening.

You're the contemporary one, aren't you?

I'm the what?

The contemporary one.

They told me just now, but I already suspected.

Contemporary of what?

Contemporary of today, contemporary like

more modern than modern, more avant-garde than anything.

You've got the look, you are very much part of your time.

- Which is? - Now.

And now.

And now, for example.

It never ends.

Then, of course,

the clothes you wear must match your ontological convictions.

Like, someone traditional

or sentimental...

Those people have to dress differently

than a contemporary person.

That seems obvious to me.

A whisky please.

WERE YOU THERE?

YES.

WHERE DID YOU SIT?

CLOSE.

I THOUGHT YOU'D COME UP TO ME AFTER THE SHOW.

THEY ASK A LOT OF ME AT COURT, I CAN'T GET AWAY FOR LONG.

I'D LIKE TO COME AND MEET YOU.

SUCH A CHARMING GIRL SHOULD KEEP HER DISTANCE FROM A SPECTRE.

SPECTRES SHOULDN'T BE )

WILL YOU BE LONG? WE'RE ABOUT TO EAT.

I HAVE TO GO LUÍSA. I REALLY ENJOYED SEEING YOU TONIGHT.

YOU CHEERED UP A FADING PART OF MY BRAIN.

They're edible, but don't eat them if you don't want to.

- Sorry I'm late. - Man, we've already started.

- This is Raquel. - My pleasure! I love your columns,

always telling the truth and setting things straight.

- We need more voices like yours. - Thank you Raquel, much obliged.

- Did you bring wine? - Three glasses of whisky, imbibed.