Mr Inbetween

What about your picture?

You can have it.

I thought you liked that picture.

I do, but I've got nowhere to put it.

Well, you might as well have it

'cause I don't have anywhere to put it either, so...

Uh...

Dad?

Hmm?

Why are you leaving?

We talked about this.

And I'm not leaving.

I'm gonna be, like, an hour and a half away

and I'm still gonna see you all the time.

Yeah, but you're still leaving.

Why is it called French kissing?

Hmm, don't know.

Did French people invent it?

Maybe.

Kissing's weird.

Hmm? Why's that?

Don't you think it's weird?

You open your mouth and stick your tongue

in someone else's mouth and then wiggle it around.

Well, when you put it like that, yeah, it's a little bit weird.

Exactly.

So have you had a pash yet?

Pash?

-Kiss. -I know what a pash is.

-But no one says that anymore. -Oh, okay.

Sorry I'm not up with the latest lingo.

-So what do you call it? -Kissing.

Oh, okay. So have you done any kissing?

Yuck.

How you going, mate?

Hello.

All right.

What are you up to?

Not much.

Not a bad spot, eh? -Yeah.

I'd rather be there than here.

Yeah. Me, too.

Mmm.

Who are you?

I'm your son.

-My son? -Yep.

This is your granddaughter.

Hi, Pop.

I've got a granddaughter.

It's your lucky day, mate.

Well, look at you! You're so pretty.

Thanks.

Are you Chinese?

No, I'm Aussie.

Oh.

All right.

Well, I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

Make sure you get the Internet connected.

Yes, ma'am. All right.

-Love you, darling. -Love you.

That's one.

There's two.

-See you, darl. -'Bye.

Oh, man.

So what are you gonna do with Britt?

Has she been down here? Has she stayed?

No Internet.

-Oh, gotta have the Net. -Yep.

Gotta have the Net.

How's the movie biz?

Mate, it's going great guns.

I... I might have to put someone on.

I'm serious.

I tell you what. I'm earning my fuckin' money, though.

Last week, this couple, they wanted to shoot an outdoor vid.

-Yeah? Yeah. -You know, down by the beach.

So, anyway, we get down there

and there's all these people around.

I'm thinking, "This isn't right. We can't do it here."

But that's what they wanted to do.

They wanted to do it in public.

-Exhibitionists. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I managed to coax them

into doing it in a more palatable spot.

Yeah.

So, anyway, they're getting into it.

I'm filming away.

Next minute, fucking...

What?

They wanted me to join in.

What are you eatin'?

-Dimmies. -Ugh.

-Want one? -Nah. Fuck no.

-Don't you like dimmies? -I've never had one.

Mate, you're not an Aussie

if you haven't had a bloody dimmie.

-Mate, I don't understand... -Mmm?

...like, how can you eat something

when you don't even know what's in it?

I don't need to know what's in it.

It tastes good. That's all I need to know.

-Nah. -Try one.

-No, I don't want one. -For me.

-No, mate, I've come this far... -Just for me.

-Please. Please. Try it. -All right, I'll have a bite.

I'll have one bite.

Disgusting-looking thing.

-It's pretty fuckin' good. -What did I tell you?

Get it in there, mate. Soy sauce.

-Oh, my God. -How good is it?

It's incredible.

-Told ya. -Mmm!

Hey, mate, I figure you should know.

Um, you know that guy, the-the biker

you were having that trouble with?

-Alex? -Yeah.

-Yeah? -He's looking for ya.

-Who told you? -Just a mate.

Does he know where he is?

Beauty.

So it was a flying fucking saucer, was it, Raymond?

Look, mate, if there were aliens about, we'd know by now.

I mean, think about it.

How the fuck are you gonna keep that a secret?

Mate, they don't want you to know about it.

It's all fucking top secret, right?

Really?

Mate, how many planets have you got in the universe?

I don't fuckin' know. How many?

-Trillions, okay? -Trillions.

You got trillions of planets.

You're gonna tell me out of all those planets,

the universe goes on forever,

this is the only planet

that's got any life on it?

Come on, mate. Jesus.

Would you root an alien?

Why would I root an alien?

Nah, nah, look. Well, there's no human women about.

You're on one of those planets

surrounded by fuckin' alien women who are all, you know...

You know, you haven't had a root in ten years. You give 'em one?

-Depends. -On what?

If she looked like E.T., mate,

I can tell you it's not gonna happen.

Okay, what about-- what about...

You've seen that Star Warsfilm, right,

where that Jabba the Hutt slug, the big, fat fuckin' thing,

he's got this, uh... he's got this alien woman on a chain,

she's dancing around, she's got the Lycra on,

she's got the, you know...

..she's got the good rig, got the horns.

Give her one?

I'd have to be pretty fuckin' toey, mate, I'll tell you.

Mate, I'd give her one in a fuckin' heartbeat.

And you know why?

If for no other reason to say, Raymond,

that I fucked an alien.

No, think about it, right? No, think, think.

You go down the pub, mate says to you,

"What'd you do yesterday?"

"Fucked an alien. Like, properly."

Anyway... Mate, are we close?

Should be on the left.