Ballbuster

What the hell, Dad?

Time to wake up! Come on, the WBL waits for no man!

You want it? You gotta earn it!

It's 6 in the morning.

Yes, that means it's training time. Come on.

Richie, come on.

Playing professional basketball used to be my dream

and now that dream is dead.

Dead. So now it's your dream and

I'm gonna be there every step of the way helping you realize it,

ok? Alright.

Gee. Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome son. Now get your bony ass up out of bed and

meet me on the driveway in 5 minutes.

Alright, there!

Now meet me out there in 5 minutes

or I'm gonna fold this thing and I'm gonna make a Richie sandwich

out of you. 5 minutes, let's go!

Morning.

Aren't these the guys that

you hired at Home Depot last week?

Yeah, they are.

Aren't they finished?

No. They're not finished because they've got one more job to do

which if they do correctly, they'll get a little extra

scratch because it's Christmas and I gotta heart.

It's Christmas?

Awe, you're doing great, son!

For them it's Christmas. It's not Christmas for you until

you run the carwash drill.

There's a whole house of presents inside, Rich.

There's a skateboard. There's a...

There's some clothes. All kinds of cool stuff and I will

burn them on this god damned

driveway unless you score in this drill.

Merry Christmas, Richie.

Shut up!

Alright, Bring it. Let's go. Christmas is for winners!

Now let's go!

What? You gonna cry? You gonna cry and be

a little cry baby and you gonna quit? Wanna call mommy? Well you

can call her but she won't pick up the phone because she left us

both to go be a sister wife!

What? You can't be both.

Now get up and do it again. And hey,

this comes from a place of love.

If I didn't love you, you wouldn't have the helmet.

Now do it again.

You want to be a winner or do you want to be a loser, Rich?

Huh?

Winner or loser?

Rich is gonna be a winner. Now let's go.

Royals down by one. Seven seconds left.

This is where legends are made and dreams are crushed.

The fans couldn't have asked for a more exciting

start to the WBL Finals. Rich Johnson, he promised to

bring a championship to Sacramento after a 40-year

drought and a win here would put them one step closer!

Stivers is wide open! God, Jerry, what a hog!

He is not gonna pass the ball. Rich is going one on one.

Strictly isoball and throwing up trash in here for the win.

Wow! Unbelievable. If you don't like that,

you don't like Royals basketball.

I love Royals basketball!

Joe Riley live here. The game has just ended.

It's very exciting. We're trying to reach one of the Rich! Rich.

Freddie, Fred, Fred we did it, man. We did it, Fred!

Uh, Joe.

Sorry, Joe. Wait, when did you change that?

At birth.

Hey man, I've just gotta say look, I mean.

I gotta thank the big man himself. I want to thank me.

That looked like an impossible shot at the end there.

Freddie, I'm kidding. Joe, um,

look, my shot was just dropping tonight. What can I say?

It was falling.

You're kidding? You shot 28%.

Yeah well you know I was double and I was

triple teamed but you know,

look, the ball just does what Rich Johnson tells it to do.

Boom! I would love to stay and chat, but my fan club awaits.

Rich Johnson! Out!

Rich Johnson's out.

Hey, Rich! Hey, Rich! Can I have your Jersey please?

What, this one? Oh, you know what? It's going on sale on eBay

tonight at around midnight.

I hope you can stay up.

Yeah, ah ha.

Boom, my man. Yes!

There we go. Up high. Yeah. Coach, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. My man. Oh, that's cold. What's up, bro?

Yeah. Oh, it's gonna be a good one!

Oh!

Oh, come on. I barely touched him. I barely touched him.

Yeah. He'll be fine. Oh yeah, fellas.

This is what I'm talking about.

Boom, two, three championship rings.

Oh my hand is so heavy. Oh, it's throwing my back out. Oh, yeah.

You know rookie. You've gotta play at least one minute if you

want to get one of these. Nah, I'm just playing.

I'm just playing. No, you get one but it says equipment

manager on it. I'm playing with you rook, come on, relax.

Oh, come on. Whooh!

Oh man. Hey, you know what? Guys listen up.

Give me this. Guys, listen up.

Look, we are three wins away

from the WBL Championship, ok?

And I did not get traded here to Sac town to lose.

Now, now, listen here. If I have to, I will put all you

on my back and I will personally carry you all across the finish

line, alright? It's been a dream of my dad's.

It's been a dream of

mine to bring a championship here to Sac Town.

So all you gotta do is trust in Rich and then just come to the.

Championship parade. Rich Johnson out!

I'm not sure that door

is big enough for his ego to fit through, man.

No, no, no, no, no, sorry. Gotta go, gotta go.

I really hate that guy.

Good morning. Good morning.

What's this? I ordered Eggs Benedict.

Eat your cereal, Earl.

This cereal tastes like a fruity.

Oh, yeah. Fastest hands in the WBL.

That's your first steal of the year.

Hey, how to I hear the replay from my game winning shot?

Why don't you use my new gift that I gave ya?

Ooh, right here.

Are you ok?

Yeah. No, I'm fine. I'm uh, I'm fine. Ok, uh.

Alicia, play some Rich Johnson highlights.

Johnson. A slang term commonly

used for the word 'penis'.

Other terms include dick, schlong, wang, dong, shvantz.

Ok, honey. I think you have a few minutes before school

starts to show daddy those costumes. Remember, you're going

to model her costume that she made just for you.

Oh yeah. The uh, nerd fest.

CostumeCon, Daddy.

It's my bad, sorry. Yeah I guess it kind of looks like me.

It could be a little bigger.

Looks great, honey. It's just like me. Good job.

You fight crime by being the best athlete in the

universe. You throw basketballs at super villains.

And the villains never know when he's gonna throw balls at them.

Just like his teammates in real life.

Funny mommy. Funny mommy.

Ok, go. You're gonna make her late.

Oh and don't forget you're

gonna coach Jenny's game at 5:30.

Oh yeah, of course. But first I've gotta take the jet.

I've gotta go see the Dr. in San Francisco.

But I'm gonna remember. I'm gonna be there.

Don't worry. I said I'd be there.

I'm gonna be there too.

No, you're not because you're

already suspended for the rest of the season.

Really? You think that's gonna keep me out of there? Please.

Cause you've got a plan.

I've got a plan and my plan is to get uh, nope, you've gotta

get me Eggs Benedict.

Oh, double or nothing, bacon. Oh! Nice.

Alright, thank you.

Here we go, grandma. Come on.

Rich, what're you doing here?

I'm just helping with grandma.

She needs new glasses for her glaucoma.

We're huge Royals fans.

Your grandson is going to lead us to the first WBL Championship

in over 40 years. You must be so proud.

Dude, she is such a GILF.

What the hell is that?

It's like a MILF but for grandmas.

Do you think she's single?

Yeah I think she's single because all of her options are

either dead or can't get it up anymore.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Hey, people have done a lot worse things to become famous,

alright? Hey baby, if you were on Tinder I'd slide right

into your panties.

Nice.

Diapers?

She's out of your league Q-tip.

You lost.

Um, what if we tried that from a different angle?

We did. I don't know what to tell you Mr. Johnson.

How about the bottom line?

Ok well, the bottom line is, I'm the fifth doctor you've seen and

we all share the same diagnosis.

Your days of playing on that

knee are coming to an end.

Rich, Father Time is undefeated for a reason.

Hey Rich, my son gave me that.

These doctors don't know shit.

Screw you. Screw you, father time. Screw you.

If Tom Brady can do it then so can I.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Sorry, was I just thinking out loud?

Jesus Christ! You scream like a bitch!