Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Peralta, looks like an old friend of yours

- is back in town. - Who?

That guy Neil that you bunked with at sleepaway camp?

Oh, Neil from camp was the best.

He could pick up a milk carton with his butt cheeks.

He was so funny.

You know who else was funny? Bill Cosby.

Charles, will you relax? You're gonna love Neil.

It's not Neil. Why would it be Neil?

- Doug Judy. - Oh, right.

Someone we all know in a police capacity.

That makes more sense.

Someone's using his signature move to steal cars,

plugging in to the OBD port

and reprogramming the immobilizer module.

That's Doug Judy's MO, but it's not him.

- He told me he went legit. - That's what he told you

last time too, before he screwed you over.

Yeah, but he returned the diamonds to me eventually,

and it turned out that was the only way

to get Giggle Pig off the streets.

Wait, I may be confusing our adventures.

What year was the cruise?

Dude's a criminal. People don't change.

Ever heard of Bruce Banner, the Incredible Hulk?

You might want to talk to his shirts and pants

about people not changing.

Well, I want to ask Doug Judy some questions.

- You have his number? - I always make contact through his mom.

I'll put you in touch with her, but remember,

she thinks I'm his assistant Mangy Carl,

and he's a famous architect who's designing

LeBron James' new school for black astronauts.

Hello, Mrs. Judy?

I'm looking for your son, the architect.

Yes, I'm from... black NASA.

Is that a thing?

Oh, my. I didn't know.

I understand. Good-bye.

So Doug Judy will not be coming in.

What? Why not?

Oh, I see.

He is dead.

*BROOKLYN NINE-NINE* Season 06 Episode 05

Episode Title : "A Tale of Two Bandits"

Sync corrections by srjanapala

Wow, I don't know how to deal with all these emotions, Terry.

No one I've been close with has ever died before.

No tragic accidents to friends. All my grandparents are alive.

How did you deal when Hodor died?

Not well, Terry. Why would you bring that up?

Carl? Mangy Carl?

Yes. That is me.

I'm Trudy Judy, Doug's sister.

This is our aunt Patrice.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Doug really loved you.

- Oh, he talked about me? - Oh, all the time.

He was so afraid he'd fall back into your old life.

Doug made Mangy Carl an assistant

at the architecture firm.

He rescued him from a life on the streets.

Yeah, I was down on my luck, not a penny to my name.

You were selling your body for money.

- Did Doug tell you that? - He said all your teeth fell out,

and your mouth was just a rotten hole.

100% accurate.

Plus you were sick from those back-alley butt implants.

- Had to have 'em. - Carl thought a plumper rump

would help him get his **** every night.

Yeah, I remember having that thought.

But the doctor just put a bunch of mulch up there,

- and it got all infected. - Dark days.

I'm sorry. It's just so sweet.

- The mulch thing? - No, how Doug saved him.

Doug was always taking people under his wing.

Doug said you have a beautiful voice.

Oh, he did? Well, I...

Would you want to sing a song for us?

What a nice thought, but you know what,

I don't have anything prepared.

Okay, well, if you don't want to sing,

you could just tell us the inspiring story

of how Doug saved you from being a mulch-butt ho.

I would like to sing a song in honor of my dear friend

Doug Judy.

Oh, nothing better after a long shift

than coming to Shaw's.

It's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.

A place where everybody knows your name is hell.

- You're describing hell. - Guys, guys, guys.

Are those...

- Firefighters. - Firefighters. - Firefighters.

Hey, what's going on?

Why is the FDNY in our cop bar?

We needed a new place,

since our bar, O'Brien's, burned down.

- You couldn't put that out? - They probably started it.

Most arsonists turn out to be firefighters.

That's not true, though it is very common,

and definitely what happened in this case.

I'm surprised you guys even want to come here

since you have to take the stairs.

I know how much you like sliding on poles.

We don't like sliding on poles.

We do it to save lives. It's dangerous.

You can ask my best friend Steve.

Oh, no, wait, you can't, actually,

because he's dead.

Tripped through a pole hole, broke his neck.

That's horrible.

Sorry, but this is a firefighter bar now.

Although we might want to make some changes to the decor.

I'm thinking some old-timey pressure gauges,

maybe an autographed photo

of Denis Leary from "Rescue Me."

- You wouldn't. - Wouldn't I?

Check it out.

You son of a bitch.

Oh, no, he gave himself a key change.

Thank you so much. You've been a great audience.

I mean, it's a funeral. That's psychotic.

I'm so sorry.

Why are there firefighters here?

Did one of them turn out to be an arsonist

- and burn down their own bar? - Actually, yes.

So predictable. But why did you call me?

There's nothing I can do about this.

You have gravitas. Everyone listens to you.

Look, even if I could save Shaw's,

I'm not sure I'd want to.

This place is a hovel.

The only wine they serve is from the Delaware Water Gap.

It's called "Charbonnay."

But this is our bar, and it has been forever.

Change is a good thing.

Just yesterday, you were ranting

about the Philharmonic adding a second piccolo.

It's too many. It'll muddle the sound.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

Look, we can find a new bar

that's not beneath us.

What about Bel Vino?

They've got a great selection of Italian reds,

and your feet don't stick to the floor

if you stand in one place too long.

Fine. If you're not gonna do anything, then I will.

Hank, you got to get rid of these hose humpers.

- It's them or us. - Look, guys,

I don't want to take sides.

I just want to make money.

Then keep it a cop bar. We drink like crazy.

Yeah, 'cause of all the tragedy we experience

on a daily basis, son.

Oh, yeah? We experience plenty of tragedy too.

We lose a man a year to the pole hole.

How about this?

If it's about money, let's just have a drink-off.

Whoever racks up the biggest tab by closing time

gets to keep Shaw's.

Okay, defectives.

- My guys can handle that. - Oh, can they?

'Cause the Nine-Nine's about to bring the real heat.

Get ready for the back draft, bitch.

Jake, are you upset? Where are you going?

Are you embarrassed about your singing?

- Doug Judy. - What?

Hey, Jake. Man, that song was moving AF.

We got to lay that down.

Don't try and duet with me, you bastard.

You tricked me. Now give me a hug.

I'm so happy you're alive. I'll never forgive you.

You're my best friend.

Whoo, I just went through a lot of emotions real fast,

but I think I'm back to normal now.

- Should we get lunch? - I would love a cheesesteak.

I was thinking the exact same thing, probably 'cause...

- The coffin looks like a hoagie roll. - The coffin looks like a hoagie roll.

Judy, what the hell is going on?

Uh, who are you, and where is Rosa?

I'm his boss, and I want answers.

All right. You know who Stefano Lucas is?

The arms dealer?

I got word he put a hit out on me, so I had to disappear.

Why does Stefano Lucas want you dead?

His favorite Ferrari got stolen,

and for some reason he thinks I did it.

Probably because someone's been jacking cars

all over Brooklyn using your MO.

Oh, my God. Jake, are you saying

- what I think you're saying? - Yes.

You have a copycat.

I didn't think I'd accomplished enough in my career for this.

I know, it's big.

It just feels so good to be seen, you know?

Wait. The only way to catch a copycat

is to team up with the original criminal.

I'm back on the force! Give me a gun.

No! There is no copycat. You did it.

Not me. I'm living that straight life.