The Magicians

Previously on "The Magicians"...

We found a key, too.

The ghost said it has the power

to reveal things that are hidden. I'm a hidden thing.

I'm Hyman.

When I first got stuck in the Astral Plane,

I spent months trying to push things.

I never got anywhere. Until I tried being the thing.

Holy zerts! You did it!

The farmers are hesitant because you're asking them to throw out food

- and replace it with, uh... - Inedible mushrooms.

I got it. I just need it done.

On Earth we tend to meet the people we're gonna marry first.

Surely you've heard of the Tribe of The Floating Mountain.

It is my duty and honor

to take the place of my late brother.

- Why do you have magic? - I don't know.

I'd do anything to get it back.

If I could give it to you, I would.

What if you could?

Whoo. Sorry.

Okay.

Last I checked, we're looking for a spell,

not starting an eBay store.

There's this old hedge story I once heard

about some sort of electrical transfer.

Marina used to steal magic from some poor faun.

People still talk about it.

Just look.

So, you want us to reverse engineer

a hedge witch urban legend using kids' toys?

I mean, aluminum wiring's been scant since the '90s,

so unless you have a better idea.

Do you feel anything?

No.

Go again?

Why did that just turn on by itself?

Oh, my God.

Give me your hand.

Wait. Stop.

Do not do this.

Did you just use that fish as a doorbell?

I've been trying to warn you guys for, like, an hour.

"Being the fish button" is the first thing

in this entire room that's worked.

- What are you trying to warn us about? - This spell.

I've seen it in person.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Couple months back on a book-stealing job,

I saw a group of magically-starved idiots

do the transfer, and by the end of it,

everyone was on fire.

Trust me. Fogg was right.

It's a bad idea.

Wait a minute. Did you just say Fogg was right?

- Aw, f... - Fuck me.

You have magic.

And you're just now telling me?

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you've been a little drunk.

- And unreliable. - Yes.

I'm drunk, but I am entirely... reliable.

Um, maybe we should get back to Marina's spell.

It wasn't Marina's spell. It's mine.

She stole it from my private collection.

And if any of you had attended my annual colloquia

on prohibited magic, you would know

that its proper name is the Voltaic Transfer.

It is incredibly delicate.

- We... we know that, but... - But what?

But you want to rid yourself

of the one thing we all so desperately want?

- If you understood what... - You understand.

I'm a Magician with no magic.

A dean without a school.

Just a blind, unemployed

black man in America.

Which, shockingly, was actually being kept 38% more tolerant

through a series of enchantments

which have now died.

In case you hadn't noticed or perhaps maybe you weren't

- in a position to need to. - Okay, you're really drunk.

So what?

What does it matter?

Alice, of all people, you should know better

than to attempt this.

- You want to blow yourselves up? - Is that it?

Um. Just give me one second.

Okay.

Uh, they'll hold for a day or two,

but then Alice can recharge them.

After we finish the transfer.

I know. Everything is fucked.

- I'm sorry. - It's not your fault.

Julia.

Yeah, well, it's not not my fault, either so.

What you two utter idiots need,

if you don't want to die,

is the flesh of a magical creature

to act as a sort of semiconductor.

A potent energy-drainer. An incubus.

If this is about the whole

marriage not being consummated yet,

don't worry, it'll happen.

Oh, no, no, no. You misunderstand me, my dear.

You see, I've heard a rumor about your advisor,

the Pickwick? Sighted in a certain corridor.

Taking scrapings from the wall.

He's just a compulsive redecorator.

You might be interested to know that we both have been

plotting against our mutual friend.

No idea what you're talking about.

Margo.

You can trust me.

The misguided actions of my son

have soured both sides of our arrangement.

I've acquired a weapon forged in the foundries of Stonehaven.

When the time is right,

we could use it to kill the Fairy Queen.

- Hi. - Oh, hell no.

Move.

Hang your sheets out the window afterwards, dear.

Guards! Guards!

Don't even think about closing it. No!

Guards!

Let me out!

I don't give a shit if you have to find someone

to sell those shares short.

I need them today.

So the Incubus is a hedge fund manager?

Plus 5%. And not one more cent, you piece of monkey shit.

Just remember what Fogg said.

Be respectful, no matter what.

You got two minutes.

Henry Fogg said that you might be able

to help us power our spell.

Uh, we just... we need to use your thing.

- My what? - Uh, your... your thing.

Your... your business.

- Sorry? - Uh.

Your little friend. Uh, I mean... your big friend.

Well, I'm... I'm sure your friend

is perfectly proportioned to your body.

- I was just saying... - Your penis.

Yep, we need to use your penis to power our spell.

And we know that you need it too.

So that's why we'll build the spell around it.

It'll be completely painless

and should only take a couple minutes.

I can't believe that actually worked!

Wha... what actually worked?

I planted this joke on Fogg 25 years ago.

I had him totally convinced that I had a magic Johnson.

Wait, so you... you don't have a magic...

Of course not.

- That's ridiculous. - No, it's not.

I mean you're an incubus.

Isn't sex, like, your thing?

Gods no.

I don't even like sex.

Stress is a much better way to drain people's energy.

May I?

Oh, and you.

You got a lot of it, I can tell.

Delish.

You give me a few more hits of this,

and I'll give you something

that'll actually power your spell.

- Is that your tail? - Yeah.

Yeah, I grow a new one every spring.

Welcome back.

I see you've misplaced your wife and child.

You'd be shocked how easy it is to misplace people

when your mind's on tax collection and annexation

and unforeseen seafaring... confusion.

I'll immediately sail back out there and find them,

- of course... - No, you won't.

I have a bigger problem I need you to solve.

The Stone Queen has locked Margo and Fomar in the dungeon.

Wait. What? Why?

She thinks it will get the marriage consummated,

but ultimately I need the union officialized

just as much as the Floaters do.

Listen, pro tip.

Let Margo out of there immediately.

You know her. Force isn't going to work.

True. Force may not work.

But the clever coercion on the part of a trusted friend.

I am not going to coerce Margo

into having sex with a 15-year-old.

Have you never heard of statutory rape?

- Fomar isn't a statue. - That is not what...

Forget it.

You will solve this problem for me.

And if I refuse?

I've been searching for a new keepsake.

Several bits will do.

Fine, but I have a feeling Queen Margo

is going to be a little bit difficult.