Man About the House

Can you put some more hot water in please,

this bath's getting cold.

Oh you do it, you're nearer the taps then I am.

Oh alright, I'll do it.

Has anyone seen my flannel?

I've got it.

No you haven't, that's mine.

Look yours is over there.

Right.

I'm getting cramp, I wish you two would get out.

Oh we're gonna have to work out a rota system,

there just isn't room in here for three of us.

Well I suppose we could finish off in the kitchen,

No we couldn't, there's no mirror in there.

Well look, I'll tell you what.

I'll show you where your eyelashes are,

if you show me where my chin is.

Oh you can have it.

Thank you.

Honestly I wouldn't mind first thing in the morning,

if only it came later in the day.

I wish you'd hurry up, I can't get out of this bath

until you've gone.

Well look I'll tell you what, I'll shut my eyes.

See look, they're closed.

You sure they're shut.

Yes, yes they were.

Honestly we must get the lock fixed on that door.

Oh no, no, that would take all the suspense

out of having a bath.

Towel.

Do you mind?

Oh, sorry.

Listen if you want any help drying yourself down,

you know I could do it by touch alone.

You'll be lucky.

And shut the door.

Oh no, not again, eggs.

Well you liked them yesterday, and the day before.

Yeah and the day before that.

I'm beginning to look like an egg.

Listen it isn't even my turn to cook the breakfast,

it's Jo's.

Well then why doesn't Jo cook it?

She did, bacon and sausages, do you want to eat it?

I tell you what, just for a change, how about some eggs.

You like cooking we don't.

Listen it's part of the females function

to provide food.

So where do you think these eggs came from, a rooster?

Look Chrissy, I'm not a male chauvinist.

I think you are.

Well what do you know about it, you're only a woman.

Honestly, I'd have nothing to do with men

if they weren't the opposite sex.

Look, when are you gonna fix the lock on that door.

Oh, I'll get around to it.

I tell you what, I tell you what,

I'll put that bolt on that door.

What bolt?

The one from your bedroom door.

You know I can quite easily unscrew it.

You leave that where it is.

Alright, alright, if it gives you the illusion of safety.

Illusion?

Only another three feet and my tunnel is completed.

Hey there's Larry, you're gonna be late.

Oh everybody's gonna be late today,

it's the last day of term.

Including you.

Well I'll just say I was delayed.

I was a witness to a terrible accident.

Lies.

What else would you call it?

Listen do you want a lift?

Oh great.

Right come on then, see yah.

- Bye. - Bye.

Morning Mrs. Roper.

Oh morning love, morning Mr. Tripp.

Did you friend get anything else for Christmas?

Hmm, oh I know what you mean, I'm sorry.

Yeah he's got this theory that it recharges the battery.

Well it doesn't worry me love but you see

it might wake Mr. Roper.

Why is he still in bed?

Oh no he's been up for hours, but he's not awake yet.

Oh dear, dear, best one of the day that.

George, those cigarettes are gonna be the death of you.

Have another one.

Oughtn't be aloud first thing in the morning,

that horrible noise.

It was only a car horn George.

No I mean you, talking.

George other men have conversation with their wives.

You know they read them little bits out of the newspaper,

cheer them up, give them a bright start to their day.

Now why can't you do that.

Alright, alright, Mullins, age 73,

peacefully after a short illness, sadly missed.

Oh here's another one, Murgatroy J.

Oh belt up, here's your post.

No Jo this morning then?

No it's her day off.

Will you keep your eyes on the road

and stop trying to put my knee into second.

Sorry love.

Oh does he always drive like this?

Yes, it's no good closing your eyes.

I'm not closing my eyes.

I'm talking to Larry.

Look I tell you what, listen,

drop us off and we'll walk.

No we won't, we're safer in here.

He can't knock us over if we're in here.

You got a job yet then?

What?

For the holidays?

Oh yes, in fact we just passed it,

that little restaurant there.

Where?

No you keep your eyes on the road.

You cooking there are you?

Yeah, helping the chef you know.

It's only part time but the monies good.

Jammy begger.

I tell you what if you're not fixed up

they're looking for a waiter.

Where are you going?

Well we can't hang about can we, waiter hey.

Will you keep your eyes on the pavement.

Oh nice, nice.

There we are then.

Oh accept the grateful thanks

of a white haired old lady.

- See yah. - See yah.

Larry, Larry, look, look, take it easy, I'm not that late.

You are mate.

Mind you if I shared a flat with two birds,

I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning either.

Yeah true, true.

Actually they put a new bolt on the bedroom door.

- Yeah. - So I can't get out.

For the forthcoming tasks that lie ahead in front of us

we are showing promise on our progress.

But one or two of us have fallen down on our custards.

Good morning Mr. Tripp.

Ah, good morning.

Mr. Tripp, how is it that Miss Grace,

who lives over an hour away is always early,

are always late?

Yes well you see if she's late

she's got time to hurry up.

Yes.

You see if I'm late I'm already here.

Mr Tripp.

Sorry what?

What is the first priority

in the maintenance of the kitchen?

Well it must remain spotless at all times.

Dirt and untidiness are the enemies of the good chef.

A well run kitchen should be ordered, hygienic,

a place for everything and everything in its place.

Remember the three C's, clean, clinical and...

Cobblers.

Clutterless.

Look, you can't tart about when you're doing

60 meals a day, I've hardly got time

to pick me nose as it is.

Yes I know but you know, I didn't expect all this you know

it looked like a nice restaurant.

Look, have you ever tried cooking on a trawler,

up to your goolies in fish heads?

No I haven't.

No, well I have and compared to that,

this is straight out of Ideal Home I'll tell yah.

I reckon you've lumbered me here mate.

Mousetrap and biccies for table nine.

Larry, Larry, no, no, no, no.

Yeah and if we're in the vicarage.

Oh yeah and one ice cream.

Coming up.

Here are, one vanilla.

Oh no sorry, can you make that chocolate.

I'll do me best.

Abracadabra, ah, ah, ah.

It's not worked, here, cover it in curry powder,

they won't know the difference.

I shall have to go for a jimmy, cop hold of that.

Hey and when I come back remind me to tell you

all about the daffodil, oh dear.

Daffodil?

They're a stingy lot of customers in here.

The only tip I've seen all day is this kitchen.