The Life & Times of Tim

I

You're looking at a man is getting kind of mad. I had a lot to look but it's old and bad

No matter how strong and strife

I'll never get out of this world alive

My fishing poles broke the creek is full of sand my woman run away with another man

No matter how struggle and strife

I'll never get out of this world alive

Okay

Okay, everyone let's lower the music for a minute

I I want to say a few words about my dear friend Amy

As a lot of you know here. I lost my real sister at a very early age

But Amy has always helped me fill that void with her support and friendship

I just love her so much and I want her to know

What oh, I'm sorry continue. Are you okay? I was reaching for the lasagna tray

I burned myself

You're the reaching for lasagna in the middle of my speech to your girlfriend

I can listen to you and and reach for lasagna at the same time. Okay. Well, what was I saying?

What were you saying? What was I saying talking about how you?

Your mom died. Mm-hmm. That's wrong dad died or you're

Dad is killed. Oh my god. Amy. I just wanted to say happy birthday

And I love you like a sister and every night I get on my knees and I look up to the heavens and pray to God that you find

Some other man other than him cheers

Cheers

One of the worst toasts I've ever heard

Ooh, I'm not in the wrong and I know you needed to eat lasagna when the

Opportunity struck in its truck. Hey guys. I saw what happened over there and I rushed here to the scene

I'm so glad I'm here. I'm a doctor. Oh, you want to take a look? Well in my professional opinion

You definitely want to get a nice back on that. Oh, you know, I see I might overreacted

Hey Tim, let's not um underreact because this guy could maybe prescribe you some vacuity. Oh

Actually, I can't I can't I can't do that. I don't write prescriptions. I'm a chiropractor. So I can't write prescriptions. Oh

Did your doctor. I am a doctor. I'm a doctor of chiropractic

Mm-hmm. I'm confused. Do you not think that I'm a doctor? I am a doctor. My license plate says doctor

D-O-K-T-E-R. Please don't take any offense. It's just saying I mean the big coffee was a doctor

He doesn't someone was hurt. He wouldn't run up and say I'm a doctor

He'd say everyone remember me from the Cosby show and fat Albert

Are you comparing my job to a fictitious doctor on a TV sitcom? I'm just saying on the spectrum of

Neurosurgeon here and missus here. Please don't finish your sentence

You're in the missus quadrant

Well, I guess if we're gonna have this conversation on the spectrum between

super nice guy that I'd like to be friends with and

total dick

Slash asshole. Don't say it. You are a total dick slash asshole. He is a doctor of comebacks. Oh

The pain oh

The finger I

Feel like I'm not getting a lot of attention for this wound. Yeah, you know why because you really offended that guy the chiropractor

Yeah, who cares? We don't even know the guy. Yes, we do. It's Julie's boyfriend

That actually makes sense and you completely offended him. They belong together

Why doesn't the guy have to get his neck all out of joint?

Really, I said why does he have to get his neck out of joint?

How long have you been waiting to say that? I rushed the delivery didn't I?

What do you want me to do? You need to make an appointment and apologize. I'm not big on in person apologies

You know what? I'm just gonna take care of this myself. I like that plan you go make amends and I'm gonna make a case of

Dia

Skit I don't know I want to be mad at that, but I like it

It's also local I like that listen, um you're a white guy, right? Like you're a white person

Caucasian yeah your Caucasian your parents were both white and their parents were white women one Chinese guy in the mix

Ah, that's what I didn't go in pretty far back though. Okay. Well like maybe a railroad worker what I'm white. Okay, why do you ask?

Oh, just curious but on a side note do you play poker and would you like to play poker tonight with me?

I'm a little a lot of work going on wait wait wait before you say no let me set this up a little better

This is an exclusive table with a list celebrities hall of fame athletes prominent business leaders

I mean this is the crème de la crème of poker. Wow who's playing who's in who's coming? I can't tell you you can't tell me who let's just say at least one of the players has a candy bar named after him

It's Charleston shoe guy. I'm gonna shit my pants. What are you talking about the Charleston based on a person?

I don't know maybe I don't know whatever it is. It sounds amazing. I'm in coming in good nice

It's great. I'm flattered that you look at me in this light that I'm part of that kind of are you kidding?

This is the ultimate power group plus you the token white guy. Oh

bang

Okay, so where what's it? What is this? I can't I can't share anymore. I've already said too much

You haven't told me anything. I've been invited to a very secret

Men's Club if you will it sounds so lame it doesn't sound lame you sound jealous

I am definitely

Reddably jealous where I'm going. I'm definitely not jealous. Oh my god. What did you call for?

I know how we're gonna make this thing up to Matt. We're still on the mat thing. Yes

So he throws this fun razor dinner sounds terrible and you and I are going okay. Love you

Okay, I never really agreed but sounds like you hung up

Hey, you look like a fashionable guy. What do you think of the hat? I

Have to admit guys. I'm a little star struck Tim Meadows

Reggie Jackson and Colin Powell all at the same table with Tim what about me? Oh

Who are you again? I'm Al Sharpton's College roommate. Oh, that's right. I'll sharpen school drew me

Show a little respect if I'm interject it seems it would be easier to respect you if you introduced

I mean you're your own man. Am I right? Yes, I am that's right. Oh four hours. Oh

Shit man, I cannot catch a break tonight. We neither this new guy's bad luck me

No, I'm fitting in well. Are you suck my dick? You fit in even better. Oh boy suck your dick. Oh my god

Yeah, he's not he's not very funny at card games. Tim not at all. Yeah, he tends to lose

Can I ask one question? Why do we need this token white guy here? What are we trying to prove?

We're diverse

Chuffle up and deal, Reg

Yeah

You all right these Reggie bars are disgusting. Oh Jesus. I know

They've been in my freezer since November 82. Why are we eating them? Well you invite Reggie Jackson

You have to consume anything with his name on it. The Scotch is disgusting also

This is Reggie brand Scotch, isn't it? It's called red jock

That's the thing that really bothers me

Yo Tim, can you take a rain check on that money out here rain check? That's a lot of money

$1,000 come on. Don't be a pussy. Come on. Don't be a pussy

All right, you owe me the money fair enough. All right cool

Yeah, what do you have to do by the way? I'm up to a lot actually, you know

I'm up for this one role could open some huge doors for my film career. That's good

Not really. It's between me and Don Chito and the director thinks I'm too soft. Yeah, you got to be yourself

No, no, I don't you know

I'm adopting the new persona to try and get through the role, you know, I'm gonna be more edgy edgy Tim metals exactly

That's all working out. It's it's going okay. I mean I started punching out photographers popper Rossi come around up

Oh, I'll deck them. Yeah, that's good getting the press gets some yeah, man

I thought they do it, you know pen style see the dad or making a porno tape. Yo, and I already did that

Did you do that as a Tim metals porno? Yeah, learning a lot here

So he just canceled so what's Matt gonna do post-pone the event?

It's going on there. Well Matt needs a new MC for the event the guy canceled

Does anyone at Omnichorb maybe have connections? I might

What do you mean? I may not have mentioned this but I'm pretty tight with Tim Meadows Reggie Jackson and Al Sharpton's college roommate

What don't ask me how hold on okay? So Tim is saying his friends with Tim Meadows and Reggie Jackson

Julie says bullshit Julie says bullshit. Let me make some calls. Let me make some calls if I come through

Everyone will say wow Tim you're an amazing dude you saved the day and I'll never say anything negative again

Okay, Julie still says bullshit, but that would be awesome if you had put in a call

Hello, this is Tim Meadows Butler may I help you Tim?

Yes, I mean Tim. I know it's you and I know you don't have a butler. All right fine. Who is this?

The guy from the card game is not cool showing up in my place, man. You don't answer your phone. I'm busy. What are you doing?

I'm writing letters you're writing letters of course listen. I got a job offer you could wait job offer

You're gonna offer Tim Meadows a job Tim's gonna offer Tim Meadows a job. Oh, I hate the sound of that

You can mc this charity dinner. Well forget the debt

Fine, I'll do it send me the details. That's great. Send them to my butler. That's great. I'm glad I worked out

Yeah me too. I'm glad it worked out now get the fuck off my porch

I'm sorry where that come from my agent wants me to keep it edgy, so I'm just trying to

Fucking bitch, man. I'm sorry. This is really not me. It's not edgy if you keep apologizing when you curse

Tim it's almost eight o'clock. Are you sure he's gonna show? I'm pretty sure he said he was gonna be here

What do you mean pretty sure? He told me he told you personally he looked you in the face and said Tim

Yes, I'll be there. I'm not big on making eye contact. What does that mean?

He told me there was intercom. What the hell does that mean? What do you mean it?

Anything over that doesn't count a doc you mean he said I'll be there people say stuff over intercoms all the time

Yeah, I'm gonna buzz you in then they don't buzz you in no intercom is a socially binding agreement. No, it is not. Oh my god

He's here. Oh my god. Oh

My god, that's Tim fucking Meadows. Wait Tim. I'm speechless. Oh my god. Who's the hero now?

Look how good his skin looks. This is a happy ending, right?

Can I just say on the spectrum between total dick slash asshole and best dude in the world?

You're closer to best dude in the world

The nicest spectrum analogy anyone's ever given me

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out tonight your support means so very much to kids around the globe

Who don't have access to chiropractic care and as a result they often have a neck pain or minor joint stiffness

Which that can be stressful for them

So without further ado from Saturday night live, please welcome mr. Tim Meadows

Thank you guys

Wow chiropractic without borders what a charity I can picture you guys showing up in these poor kids in the Congo

Like clean water and food for sustenance. No thanks. Check the lime in my back bitches

Yeah, I know that's what it's like how you doing?

But I can't seriously, you know chiropractors without borders are doing you doing God's work

Assuming that God is a smug self-serving asshole bam taking like this like this like this

Yeah, yeah, I've been drinking a little bit. I'm doing good though. Did you put him up to this?

Put him up. Are you trying to make me look bad? No, I think you're just trying some edgy or material. Is it too edgy?

Yes, the cursing and the mom things way too edgy. I gotta stop this Tim. I know. Excuse me. What the fuck paparazzi?

That's a hard roll hard a hard core feel free to report to DMZ or any other website

You know you motherfuckers have been the best audience ever good night everybody

I'm sorry

I

Agree that was too edgy that part was too edgy. I need medical attention

Should someone call a doctor

You son of a bitch. Is there a chiropractor in the house?

Bad time for that joke

No matter how struggle and strife I'll never get out of this world

These cinnamon buns are ridiculous. Oh my god. These are sick. Helen

So good. Oh come on. They're just my cinnamon buns. Holy shit are these good? Marie

You get your bony white ass in my office now