Seinfeld

Well, I started out working in mortgage bonds,

but I just found that so limiting.

My friend Kramer and I were discussing

the same thing the other day.

He was with Brandt-Leland for a while.

Wow.

Well, then my mentor suggested that I move into equities.

It-- Best move I ever made.

Mentor? You mean your boss?

Oh, no, no, no. Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman

who's taken me under her wing.

Hm.

So Cynthia's your mentor?

And I'm her protégé.

You must have someone like that.

You must have someone like that.

You know, who guides you in your career path.

Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.

I still don't understand this.

Abby has a mentor?

Yes. And the mentor advises the protégé.

Is there any money involved?

No.

So, what's in it for the mentor?

Respect, admiration, prestige.

Would the protégé pick up stuff for the mentor?

I suppose if it was on the protégé's way

to the mentor, they might.

Laundry? Dry cleaning?

It's not a valet, it's a protégé.

It's not a valet, it's a protégé.

All right.

Listen, I gotta get some reading done.

You mind if I do this here?

I, uh...can't concentrate at my apartment.

"Risk management"?

Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office

to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.

What makes them think you're a risk-management expert?

I guess it's on my résumé.

Hello?

Please hold for Elaine Benes.

Please hold for Elaine Benes.

You know what? I can't-- I can't do this.

I can't read books anymore.

Books on tape have ruined me, Jerry.

I need that nice voice.

This book has my voice. I hate my voice.

So get this book on tape.

You can't. It's a textbook.

Hey, Jer, are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?

Am I going? It was three nights ago.

What? You're kidding.

I just got this invitation today.

Oh, I was so excited.

It's really a beautiful invitation.

Oh, it was a lovely affair.

Oh, it was a lovely affair.

Oh, wait a minute.

This postmark is three weeks old.

Man, this happens all the time.

Janine, who the hell runs the mailroom?

Eddie Sherman.

All right. Send him up here.

You gonna do a little yelling?

I'm gonna do a little firing.

That is so cool.

Can you put me on the speaker?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Give me a break.

Hey, Copernicus.

Eddie Sherman is here.

Oh, great. Send him in.

You wanted to see me?

Eddie, yes. Um...

I am so sorry, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to...

...promote you.

So, what did you say?

Well, I called him all the way up to my office,

so I had to tell him something important.

So I promoted him.

What? What did you--?

Copywriter.

He's writing copy?

Well, it can't be any worse

than the pointless drivel we normally churn out.

Yowzah, yowzah.

Check it out.

Check it out.

"Jewish singles night"?

I expect you both to be there.

I'm not Jewish.

Well, neither am I.

Well, why are you going?

I'm not. I'm running it.

What are you talking about?

Well, Lomez, he usually runs it,

but he's in the Everglades.

Lomez is Jewish?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.

At the Knights of Columbus?

Yeah. Frank Costanza,

Yeah. Frank Costanza,

he's getting me a room in his lodge.

So, Jerry, you know, I'm really counting on you to come to this.

Kramer, you know--

No, Jerry, look. I'm cooking all the food myself.

"A tempting schmeer of authentic Jewish delicacies."

Do you like tsimmes?

My mentor says the duck is outstanding here.

I'm not really a duck fan. The skin seems sort of human.

Oh, look who's here. Cynthia.

Hello, Abby. Hello.

Hello, Abby. Hello.

Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman,

my mentor. Hello.

Hi, Jerry. Nice to finally meet you.

Well, come join us. We can pull up a chair.

Well, great.

My boyfriend's just parking the car.

Actually, Jerry, you might know him.

He's a comic too.

No kidding.

Kenny Bania.

Bania?

Hey, Jerry. How's it going?

You gonna join us for dinner? The duck here's the best.

The best, Jerry.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you.

I-- I noticed that you have a textbook on tape.

May I ask where you got that?

Reading for the Blind. They can get any book on tape.

I-- I tell you, I am hooked on these, uh, books on tape.

Oh, tell me about it.

These things have ruined me for Braille.

Reading for the Blind?

I take an eye test, I flunk it.

The next thing you know, I am swinging

to the sweet sounds of risk management.

So I finally met the mentor.

Hey, what's she like? Impressive?

Oh, yeah.

She's datin' Bania.

Bania?

Yeah. I had to spend two hours

at dinner last night with that specimen.

What'd you have?

Chicken. How could she look up to a person

who voluntarily spends time with Bania?

Marsala? Piccata.

If anything, I should be dating a mentor

and Bania should be setting pins at a bowling alley.

All right. I got a test to fail.

All right. I got a test to fail.

Hey, good luck with that.

Thanks. Dad.

What are you, in an athletic sweat suit?

What are you doing here?

He came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall.

You know, I got 183 responses. Oh, it's gonna be a rager.

Kramer, how are you gonna cook

Jewish delicacies for 183 people?

Hey, you're right. That's a lot of pupiks.

Hey, Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook?

Cook? No. I don't know any cooks.

I don't know anything about cooking!

I don't know anything about cooking!

What's the matter with him?

My dad was a cook during the Korean War.

Something very bad happened.

Ever since, you can't get him near a kitchen.

Shell-shocked?

Oh, yeah.

But that has nothing to do with it.

That's good work, guys. That ought to do it for today.

Alrighty? Wait.

You didn't ask me about my ideas.

Oh, Eddie. Well, it's your first day.

Oh, Eddie. Well, it's your first day.

I'm ready.

Oh. Okay.

"It's a hot night. The mind races.

"You think about your knife,

"the only friend who hasn't betrayed you.

"The only friend who won't be dead by sunup.

"Sleep tight, mates,

in your quilted chambray nightshirts."

in your quilted chambray nightshirts."

What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.

Well, if he's doing that bad,

maybe he's in line for another promotion.

You know what? You are exactly right.

That is what I should do. I should promote him.

I'll give him another office on another floor,

and he can sit there

with his nice title and his bayonet,

with his nice title and his bayonet,

and stop freaking me out.

Nothing at all.