Please Like Me

Josh.

Fuck. No, no, no, no, no!

Beluga caviar?

Fuck!

All of a sudden I'm housemates with Vladimir Putin.

Arnold got that for me for Valentine's Day.

Oh, it expired on Sunday.

Shit.

How much is that?

- Like, $150. - $150?

How did you forget to eat $150 worth of caviar?

Well, Tom, we were waiting for the perfect moment

but then it never came.

Well, that's poetic.

Maybe it's still good?

That was fucking creepy.

That's how you taste caviar!

Is it okay to eat?

I don't know. I've never had it before and it tastes sort of off

but, like, in a good way.

- Yeah, I'm into it. - 'Cause it tastes like pussy?

Mm.

If that's what you taste like then I just... you need to change something.

Hey, do you know what I think you'd really love?

Like, a really pretty guy with, like, cute curly hair,

and a very good BMI, like,

- does lots of nice compliments... - Oh, yeah?

Very smart and does surprisingly romantic things

and maybe he's got a bit of money but he's not arrogant.

- Yeah, Arnold is quite good. Yep. - Yeah.

But you just can't make yourself love him.

Not anymore.

For me, the question here is, what's wrong with you?

Face.

Is that a speck of mould?

I don't know.

Just eat around it.

I love you.

I am feeling optimistic and enthusiastic about my dating future.

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

A bus is here. I mean, this just must be him.

Why is Tom still talking to the real estate agent?

Is it a girl with low self-esteem?

This house is so ugly and he's pretending it isn't.

No one got out.

Why did no one get out?

He just messaged and said that he's ten minutes away.

He's said that quite a lot.

- Many times. - (GRINDR NOTIFICATION ALERT)

Oh, no, Ella, he just said he's in school uniform and hopes that's okay.

Is that okay?

Josh, how old is this boy?

I don't know, it doesn't say on his profile.

I mean, he looks adult. I promise he looks like an adult.

- Ask him. - Yeah.

- (GRINDR ALERT) - He's 18.

That's quite young. Who do you think you are?

- Tom? - (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

- (GRINDR ALERT) - Oh, God.

What?

He wants me to pee on him.

Will you pee on him?

I don't know, it just seems I'm a bit young

to start experimenting that hard with my sex life.

He's 18.

Kids these days! Am I right?

So many people just love being peed on.

He says he won't come if I don't pee on him.

He hasn't left yet? What's going on?

Should I just pee on him? I mean, I've already come this far.

Yeah, I vote yes.

All right, I'm saying yes.

- (SQUEALS) - You said I should!

I'm not sure that I thought it through!

Oh, no, he just said he's in a wheelchair and he hopes that's okay.

Oh, no...

Oh, no.

You know what's happening here, don't you?

Yeah, this boy doesn't exist.

You're talking to

perhaps an anonymous group of friends at a party

and they are laughing at you for agreeing to pee on a school kid.

Yep.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling like I learnt a lot about myself and the world.

Maybe you guys want to hang out with me, yeah?

Oh, I wish. We've got so many more houses to look at.

What's all this, then?

I've taken up boxing training.

She's just showing off.

You're gonna be a million dollar baby.

Million dollar baby was thin and fit.

And rich and dead.

See, some women can have it all.

Sounds fun. Maybe I'll join you. Maybe I'll do some boxing.

No son of mine is going to be hitting people for fun, Josh.

I'll only hit bad guys.

Like robbers, etc.

Why can't you ever take my side?

I mean, I take your side plenty, don't I?

You liked boxing yesterday. You should have been here then.

You would've been on her side. Maybe come back tomorrow?

Stop talking about me as though I'm not even here!

Hello! Am I here?

Can anybody hear me?

Mum, we're just playing, okay. Calm down.

Hannah, go to your room.

I've been grounded again.

You can go too, Josh.

Okay, see ya.

- See ya, little munchkin. - Oh, piss off!

- She's a little munchkin. - Piss off!

Okay.

This is me when I have my plastic surgery.

- Looks good, better. - (LAUGHS)

When are you back so we can do sex things?

Two weeks, but we can't do sex things.

Why not? Why can't we do sex things?

I have a girlfriend now.

A girlfriend?

Yeah. A girlfriend.

And you do sex with her?

Yes.

Well, that's cool, isn't it?

Very modern.

- (ELLA BURPS) - (TOM) Did you just burp?

Yeah.

I'm sick of sexuality being fluid.

I miss the days when your gays were gay, your straights were straight

and your bisexuals were lying.

Last time I tried to fly it was so embarrassing.

I got so scared when we hit a bit of turbulence

and I accidentally grabbed the hand of the man next to me.

There isn't anywhere safer than in a plane.

I mean, it's such a controlled environment.

Like, there's such a bigger chance that I murder you right now

than you'll die in a plane crash.

Don't you think?

I have never seen anyone more scared of flying than me.

I'm such a baby about it. It's so embarrassing.

Just, what I think, I think the key is, right,

is to just stop being afraid of death altogether.

Don't you think it's a little bit arrogant to be scared of dying?

Like, in the grand scheme of things, like the billions people

and the millions of years and the stardust and the mammoths,

and... Taylor Swift,

I dunno, it just seems like... like you don't really matter that much.

You know?

Wow, I'm cured.

Yeah, I fixed it.

- He cured me, Bastion. - Yeah.

- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - I'm sorry.

Hey, Ma. I'm sorry, I can't really talk.

Josh, Hannah has been ignoring me.

She hasn't spoken to me for days and I didn't do anything at all.

She's just being so mean to me.

I'm sorry, Mum. I'm on a date and I have to go.

You aren't on a date.

I am on a date.

No, you're just trying to get rid of me.

Is it really so hard for you to believe that I'm on a date?

You are lying, Joshua.

I know when you're lying. I'm your mother.

You're just trying to get rid of me.

Can you please tell my mother you exist?

I exist.

- Oh, hello. - Okay?

Oh, fine!

Do you want to punch?

The bag.

Not me. Don't punch me.

You have a lot of big books, you must be pretty smart.

I'm a podiatrist.

I don't know why I said that about the books. Okay, I have books.

I want you to know that. Like, it's not weird to me.

Like, I'm smart.

- Yeah. - Yeah, okay, now we're both smart.

Thank you.

I probably have nicer feet, though.

I mean, I used to have real bad ingrown toenails

but they're fine now.

Is... is that a good anecdote for you?

Is that the kind of anecdote you like to hear?

It was until you said you're okay now.

There's no money in healthy toenails.

You're a good kisser.

Don't really know what that means.

Just give me a minute.

I like to smoke a bit before sex.

Do you want some?

No, thank you.

Is that meth?

Yeah. I just have a little bit.

Sure, of course.

It's Tuesday night, after all.

He smoked meth. Actual meth.

Yep. He's a podiatrist and he had a terrarium

and it tricked me into thinking that it's okay to smoke meth.

What did you do?

Uh, well, I waited for him to finish smoking his meth and then we had sex,