Matchstick Men

One, two, three.

Hmm.

Uh-huh.

Mmm.

Uh-huh.

Mmm.

Mmm.

One, two, three.

- Well, congratulations. - Excuse me?

You're a guaranteed winner of one of three fabulous prizes.

- Have you won anything major before? - No, never.

- Well, you have now. - Oh, my God.

- Are you kidding? - No, it's confirmed.

- Are you sure? Okay, what did I win? - Either the Chevy Blazer, the Paris...

- Do you have a water filtration system? - A faucet filter? No, sir. I don't.

- Do you read the papers or watch TV? - Sometimes, yeah.

Well, then you've probably seen our advertisements.

The government is gonna make you pay a tax on the prize.

But if you buy the Waterson 2000 water filtration system...

...the prize gets recorded as a sales expense, and you don't pay any tax.

- Good deal, huh? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - And then I get the trip to Paris?

You're guaranteed one of those three prizes.

I'm gonna have a courier come to your house. You're gonna give him a check.

He's gonna come to me...

...and we'll decide which one of those prizes you get. See how that works?

- How much do I pay? - Three hundred ninety-eight dollars.

- You'd pay twice that in stores. - I need to speak to my husband.

Irene, my supervisor just stepped into my office, and he would love to talk to you.

Can you hold just a sec? Thanks, Irene.

- Good morning. - Who says so?

Irene Fisk. She wants to talk to her husband first.

- John Goodhew, regional vice president. - Oh.

Congratulations. Which prize are you hoping for?

- Paris. - That would be my choice too.

- We've never been. - My associate tells me...

...you have five grandkids? Wow.

I understand you'd like to speak to your husband first about this.

But the thing is, my secretary is having a baby this afternoon.

Everyone at the office is about to head to the hospital.

Well, that's wonderful.

Let me confirm your address for our courier service.

All right.

Hey.

Sorry, sorry.

Any thoughts on lunch?

Spicy calamari?

Thai food?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Pygmies.

Otis, hush, hush.

- Can I help you? - Carolyn Schaffer?

- Yes. - I'm Agent Kellaway. This is Agent Cole.

We're from the Federal Trade Commission.

Sorry to disturb you. We'd like to ask you a few questions.

- Is everything all right? - We hope so.

Mrs. Schaffer, can you tell us exactly what the man said on the phone?

He said that there'd been a contest, and I had won a prize.

There'd be a drawing next week, and I'd win...

...either a Chevy Blazer, a diamond necklace...

...or a trip to Italy or France. I don't remember.

And that if I bought one of their filtration things, I wouldn't have to pay the tax.

- Jesus, Carolyn. - I wanted to surprise you.

I'm sorry to tell you this, ma'am, but you won't be receiving any prize.

I'm sorry, you've been the victim of fraud.

Otis, knock it off.

It's not the newest swindle in the world.

They bait you with something bogus, then sell you something worthless.

How much did you give them, Mrs. Schaffer?

Seven hundred dollars.

- What's it worth? - At any hardware store, 50 bucks.

Jesus, Carolyn.

We've met people who paid twice that.

- Really? - Yeah.

You wrote a check, ma'am?

Did you mail it to them?

No, a courier picked it up.

- What? - If they'd used the postal system...

...it's mail fraud, and we can go after them.

Otherwise, there's not a lot we can do.

- Unless... - Unless what?

Well, a lot of these whack jobs...

...work in syndicates. If they cashed your check out of state, it's federal.

But we'd need a signed clearance from you...

I'll give you one if it will catch these sons of bitches.

- You have any more L-47s? - Yeah, maybe in the car.

Wait a second.

Here we go.

- Use my pen. - I got one.

Okay.

- Would you let him out? - Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Here you go. That's right.

Sorry.

All we need is the name of your bank...

...your account number...

...and your signature down below.

- Any luck, these guys were amateurs... - He all right?

- ...cashed your check in Nevada. - Sign there. You can date it.

There you go.

- You all right? - He's fine.

- Would you like some water? - Everything's fine.

Thank you for coming.

You didn't take your pills, did you?

- They left the door open. It was bitchen! - It's just an open door, Roy.

Well, it's not a fortune, but it will keep me in diapers. Barely.

Don't look at those drapes, man. You should've known.

Saw that guy again last night. Chuck. Guy I was telling you about.

- Guy with the... - With the boat.

Yeah, Frechette. Man, he's top-heavy.

- Jesus Christ, what am I...? - Don't say that.

- Don't say what? - You know what.

Just don't say it.

It's real money.

If it's real money, it's long con. I don't do long con.

You haven't done it lately.

Without me, Frank.

Okay.

I'd just like to be able to take a girl someplace nice once in a while.

You have to pay extra for that?

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Hi. - Hi.

Three, four, five, six and...

...eight packs of Tareyton.

That's 36. Out of 50.

Thirty-seven, 38, 39, 40 and 10 is 50. Thank you.

Next.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, Pygmies.

Mmm. Hi, this is Roy Waller calling for Dr. Mancuso.

- He moved. - What?

He doesn't live here anymore, man.

- What do you mean, "moved"? - He's gone.

- You're shitting me. Where'd he go? - Back east.

- Back east? - He owes me back rent, man.

Give me a contact... Hello? Hello?

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

Roy, it's me. It's Frankie.

Come on, pick it up. I know it's tough, but come on.

Roy, this is Dmitri. I met you at that club Rage the other night.

I really liked your leather and...

All right, come on. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.

Roy, come on, man. Come on.

Roy, it's lonely in this little office all by myself.

Roy, come on.

Roy, I wouldn't bother you, but... Well, I'm dying, Roy.

It's my spleen.

I can't feel my thumbs.

Hello.

Roy, answer the phone, man.

I've been watching Univision all night, and all they speak is Spanish.

What's going on?

But seriously, I want to talk to you because I think I've developed a rash.

Come on, man. Come on, you're killing me.

Roy, come on, what the hell? I feel like a chick.

All right, that's it. I'm coming over.

Roy? Okay, I see that.

I see... I saw you. I know you're there.

Come on, Roy. Really, man.

One, two, three.

- Take your shoes off. - What? Why?

Take your shoes off, or you don't come in.

You didn't take your pills, did you?

I'm taking them off.

I'm taking the shoes off. Give me a break over here.

Okay.

Jesus Christ. Oh, God, what is that smell?

What, did you get attacked by Mr. Clean?

- You gotta open a window, buddy. - No! No windows.

Okay. Windows are closed. Windows are closed.

You looking for something, sucker?

Yeah, my partner. Have you seen him?

He's been missing most of the week. Tall guy.

Hey, would you watch the rug? You're spilling food...

- You didn't take your shoes off. - Okay, I'm taking the shoes off.

I'm taking them off. See? They're off.

Here you go.

Oh, man, you are bad. Did you take your pills?

I spilled them down the drain by accident.

Oh, Roy, come on. Did you call Mancuso?

Moved.

- You gotta be shitting me. - That's what I said.

Okay, here we go.

Hurry. Come on.

Come on, let's go. Come on. It's okay.

I want you to breathe, okay? Just keep breathing.

Breathe. Okay.

Okay. Okay, shoes are... There you go.

- You got food... - What?

Okay, food is gone. I'm picking up all the food, okay?

Listen to me, Roy. You listening?

I'm gonna make a couple of calls. My aunt saw this shrink after her divorce.

- He really helped her. He's a good guy. - Frank...

You need to see someone. Don't think I'm doing this for you.

You got money. You can retire. I got car payments, man.

I don't need a partner who's like:

My heart goes out to you, but this is it now.

Wipe that off when you're done with it.

Wipe the receiver. Just wipe it off.