Louie

So how are the-- How are the kids?

They're good.

Jane gave me a really hard time this morning,

but I got 'em off to school, so.

Okay, so I have a--

I maybe have something that I have to--

Well, I got something I gotta tell you about that's--

maybe I have.

Okay.

Here's the thing.

Okay, I was on-- I did "The Tonight Show" the other night.

I don't know if you saw it.

It went really well.

And so I had a meeting at--

I had a meeting at CBS.

CBS?

Yeah, with like, the chairman of CBS, like in the--

Anyway, he told--

The thing is, though, he told me--

He made me sign a confidentiality agreement

saying I would never repeat this to anybody, just so you know.

So maybe you shouldn't tell me.

No, I have to tell you so I can tell you

what's going on with me. Okay.

All right, look--

David-- David Letterman is retiring

at the end of next year and they're--

I guess they're looking at possibly--

at maybe me to maybe be the guy

who could replace him.

Take over Letterman's job?

Yeah.

But so--

Wait, you're just like, on a list or something?

Is that what you're telling me?

Well, no, apparently, it's--

Like, it's between me and Jerry Seinfeld,

and obviously, he's the frontrunner, but I--

They're looking at me, like, as an option.

Because you'd be cheaper.

Yeah.

And so I'm supposed to start working with this guy

here in New York, like, this producer guy,

to like, train, and I'm supposed to do a test show and--

I guess if they like the show--

You know, it's a really outside shot.

It's a way outside shot, but I have...

a shot.

And well, I'm telling you this because I--

Of course, I can't-- You know, I can't do it.

What? Why?

Because I got the kids three days a week

and if I had a full-time job--

This is more than a full-time job.

It's just--

Ah, forget the kids.

What? The kids.

I got the kids.

You go do this, you go get this job.

You go get this job.

I don't even know if I can.

Well, you can if you want it.

You have to get this, Louie.

Janet, I'm-- Jerry Seinfeld is--

Oh, Jerry Seinfeld, boo.

He's not even that good.

I mean, not like that.

His show was great,

but that was a long time ago, okay?

No, you have more than a shot.

These people aren't idiots.

They picked you for a reason.

Janet, you're not--

Look, I've been on the road doing comedy,

standup for all these years

because I can do that and then-- I make my own schedule

and then I'm able to take my time with the kids

so they're with me half the time,

they're used to that, they need that.

Louie, you'll see them on the weekends,

you'll have them over the summer.

Yes, you'll see them a lot less,

but that's because you'll have a job.

I have a job.

Louie.

You came here so that I would tell you

that you can't do this, didn't you?

Because I need you to do your share with the kids?

That's why you're here?

You don't have the gall to take this thing on

and you want me to blame?

Here's the bad news, buddy.

You can totally get this show and the girls will be fine.

I mean, this standup thing, where's that going?

Huh?

It was going to this.

If you don't do this, I mean, what was it all for?

What did you put 20 years into this for?

What did I put my nine in for?

Listen, you've been a fine father,

but nobody needs a father that much.

The girls need a role model.

They need to see you live and succeed.

Look, I'm not bitter about anything.

You've-- I'm grateful to you.

You supported us for years, you supported me.

And since I've got my degree, I haven't needed you.

I'm not asking you for anything.

I'm just--

I hate to see what the future will be

if you don't make this happen.

Hi, I'm--

I'm here to see Jack Dahl.

It's "Dahl."

Dahl-- Dahl?

It's "Dahl."

Okay.

Thank you.

Yes?

Oh, yes.

You can go in now.

Thank you.

He's waiting.

Mr. Dahl.

Dahl?

My name's Louie C.K.

I was sent here--

Sent here?

What are you, a letter?

Nobody sent you.

Well, I--

He told me that I should contact you

about the "Late Show" thing?

That I-- He said--

Well, I have a test show in, like, two months

and you were gonna-- Pick up one of those cards.

Excuse me?

I said pick up one of those cards.

These cards? Yes.

You stand there.

And you stand there.

Hold up the card.

Uh-- Read the card!

Okay.

"President Nixon today--"

Uh, Nixon?

"President Nixon today announced

"that he's going to recognize China,

"but that if he's not careful,

he might mistake them for Korea."

What--

You forgot to say, "We'll be right back."

Oh, right.

"We'll be right back."

Took you one minute and 12 seconds

to tell one joke.

It's too long.

Oh.

No, I didn't-- I didn't--

Comedy is about timing son.

Timing.

You gotta get 'em, you gotta tell 'em.

Okay-- Work on your speed.

Come back on Wednesday.

Uh.

Leave the card here.

Oh, man.

Hey!

She's stealing!

No, no, no, don't do that, Jane.

Don't do that. Daddy, she stole!

Baby, come here, come here.

Officer, that lady stole!

I don't know what she's talking about.

I did good, didn't I?

All right, girls.

Get ready for bed, all right?

Okay.

Hello?

Louie C.K.?

Hi.

Hey, it's me, Jay Leno.

Yeah, hi Jay, how you doing?

Hey listen, I want to thank you for last week, man.

You really bailed us out.

You were really terrific, I really appreciate it.