Road Hard

- ( Traffic blaring ) -( birds chirping)

- ( switch clicks) - ( static buzzes)

Announcer: Now, more "Morning Sickness"

with Dicky and Sludge.

Dicky: 7:35 a.m., that's 35 minutes past the hour,

25 minutes till the top of the hour--

- ( rooster crowing ) - Sludge: Hey, Dicky,

we got a real live celebrity in here with us.

- Dicky: Yes, we do. - Sludge: You all know him

- from the "Bro Show"-- - Dicky: "Bro Show"!

Sludge: "Dude, Where's My Beer?" and "Dude, Where's My Beer? 4."

Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Madsen is here!

- Dicky, Sludge: Bruce! - Yeah, hey.

- So, Bruce, how are you, man? - Good, good, man.

The last time I saw you, Bruce, you were with all those celebrities,

you were raising barns.

- What was the name of that show? - "Celebrity Barn Raising."

"Celebrity Barn Raising." I loved it.

But there was that mulatto chick. Oh, my God, what was her name?

I don't think you can say "mulatto."

-( laughing ) - ( alarm blares)

Hey, Bruce Madsen will be at Hilarities Thursday through Sunday.

Jack Taylor-- what is going on with that guy?

- He's "en fuego." - On fire, he is.

- ( Alarm bell ringing ) - So what about your old partner, man?

He's hosting the Emmys. What's the deal?

- This guy can't stop, right? - He's, you know, a talented guy.

- I knew it when I met him. -A long time ago, huh?

Bruce: Yeah, I said, "This is the guy."

Do you, like, ask him for loans?

No, I-- I-- well, you know, we--

That's what I would do. I'd be like, "Dude"--

"Dude, where's my money?"

I'm happy doing what I'm doing, he's happy doing what he's doing,

- and, you know, God bless him. - And what are you doing?

- I'm doing stand-up, like, you know-- - That's what I hear.

- So, you had this amazing career in TV. - Mm-hmm.

You obviously did tons of comedy before.

- Now you're going back to your roots. - Yeah.

Well, you know, I started off as a stand-up,

and I drifted away from my roots for a while...

- Dicky: You drifted. - Bruce: ...and I wanted to get back

on the road with the fans.

That's where the electricity is.

You know, and I wanted to experience that rush again.

Addison, Texas, see the rodeo's in town, yeah?

- ( Cheering ) - I like the bull riding.

We should all be more like the bull, man.

We should all be wired like that bull,

'cause that bull is living in the moment, man.

He's living for today. I mean, think about us.

All we really are is just an accumulation

of every shitty thing that's ever happened to us before today.

I don't remember getting married. I remember getting divorced.

I don't remember when I got my television show picked up,

I remember when it was cancelled.

I just remember the bad shit.

-( laughter) - But think about the bull.

It's just sitting there, cooped up in that aluminum pen,

and he's like, "God damn it, I gotta get free, man!"

And then at some point, a 140-pound racist from Wyoming

gets lowered down onto his back, and the bull's confused.

The bull's like, "What the fuck has happened up there?

What is that? Shit, there's somebody on me!"

And then that guy pulls on the rope

and the bull goes, "Fuck, that guy just yanked on my ballsack!"

"Oh, my God, am I gonna kill this guy."

And the bull's like, "Oh, man, if anyone was stupid enough

to ever let me out of this cage, I would-- what?

The door's open? Holy shit, it's killing time.

I'm going to take this horn, I'm gonna punch it through your sternum,

I'm gonna wear you like a maxi pad."

And at the last second, some guy in Wrangler "shants"

and Robin Williams suspenders with rainbow paint on his face

pops out and goes, "Hey, bull, over here!"

And the bull's like, "Huh?"

"Well, I was gonna-- well, I guess I'll kill this guy instead."

Imagine if every shitty thing that happened to you,

you just had a rodeo clown for.

"What's that, honey? You want a divorce?"

"Hey, look over here!"

"What? Huh? What were we talking about?

You're fucking my brother? I don't-- there was a clown."

Career's going in the fucking toilet, agent not returning my phone calls,

I'm doing six shows in a shitbox in Addison, Texas.

Hey, I got a rodeo clown!

Oh, sweetie, I gotta go.

I love you, too. Okay.

- Hey, great set. Wow. - Thanks.

So, listen. Gotta tell you, though,

sad that we didn't quite make our guarantee.

We didn't make "our" guarantee? I have a guarantee.

I made my guarantee when I got on the Southwest flight

and came to Addison, Texas.

- Yeah, but think about how we did. - We sold out.

Sold out Friday, we sold out Saturday.

Whoa, whoa-- early shows, okay?

Now, the late shows, eh, about two-thirds.

I gave a lot of radio comps to get people in the seats,

and we both know about tonight.

- You were there. - ( sighs )

Oh, fuck.

Mark, I had an $8,000 guarantee.

Yeah, which we did not make.

Listen, don't worry about it. You'll do better next time.

"Next time"?

Oh, there's not gonna be a next time, Mark.

L-- I guarantee there's not gonna be a next time.

Do you know that you're booked for the second week in August?

Tender?

You gotta learn the definition of "guarantee" and "tender."

Hey! "Bro Show"!

"Bro Show" was some funny shit.

- Thank you. - What you been up to, man?

- I'm working. - Just chillin'?

Don't worry. Something will come up.

Announcer: ...kicks off a huge weekend with a lot of divisional rivalries.

Somebody's going to the playoffs and somebody's staying home.

Man: When your mother tells you to clean your room--

Announcer #2: iBienvenidos, hombres!

ISe trata de la "Bro Show"!

(dubbed voice speaking Spanish )

Dubbed voice: Me llamo Jack. Mi mejor amigo es--

Announcer #3: What happens when you mix baked goods with murder?

- Joann Fluke knows. - All right, that's it, thank you.

That was our first-ever prime time special.

I hope you guys had a very good time.

That was the fastest two hours of my life.

And you know what?

That was the greatest 10 years of my life.

I want to thank my guests George Clooney,

I wanna thank Zooey Deschanel, Jamie Foxx, Robert Downey, Jr.,

but most importantly, I wanna thank you.

You have made the "Jack Taylor Show"

the number one late-night talk show.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for doing this for me.

- How was the room, Mr. Madsen? - Exquisite.

Great.

All right, if you could just review this and sign down there

and then we'll just put a charge on the card you left when you checked in.

It's charging 250 for cleaning?

Yes. We are a 100% smoke-free environment.

You initialed the box saying that you would not smoke in the room.

Yeah, I-- I don't smoke. I didn't smoke.

Well, housekeeping did detect some smoke in the room, so...

When I came in, I did smell something,

like somebody had been smoking,

like-- ahem- you know, like secondhand smoke.

It's a courtesy to the next family who's gonna be in the room.

Right, but maybe they're smokers, too. Maybe they like it.

Maybe they like fluffing the pillow, going,

"Finally, some nicotine," you know?

You could just take that off, you know.

No, I'm sorry, sir, I can't.

You had guaranteed with your signature

- that you would pay the cleaning fee. - Right, guaranteed.

- "Guarantee " - I'm sorry, sir.

Word's been coming up a lot for me lately.

We are a 100% smoke-free facility.

Okay, I beat off 46 times when I was in that room.

46 times.

If you asked a family, "What would you rather have?

Guy smokes half a light cigarette in the bathroom

or middle-aged frustrated comedian

attempts to shatter his high school jack-off record?"

The bedspread looks like a Jackson Pollock.

You understand? But that's free?

No box to check for jacking off?

So, half a light cigarette-- that's $250?

- Your signature, sir-- - Ma'am, would you rather

stay in a room where a guy just smoked half a cigarette

or tried to jack himself to death?

Okay. You know what? You're 100% smoke-free?

- Mm-hmm. - I don't know.

Maybe it's not quite that high. Yeah-- you're not 100%.

- Sir, please. - No, I'm gonna smoke

and then you'll be down to, what, the high 80s?

But not 100. It can't be 100.

I'm gonna smoke, all right?

Ah...

It's relaxing.

Should we just charge the second cleaning fee

to the credit card we have on file?

Hey, Molly.

Miss me, girl?

How you feeling?

Hanging in there?