The Life & Times of Tim

There are my boys... Timbo and Stualicious.

- Ugh. - You know I don't like Timbo.

- And I'm offended by Stualicious. - Why?

Because you're combining my name with the word delicious.

Have you conjured that visual?

Uh, I didn't really, like, conjure

- or give any thought to it. - Shocking.

Anyway, hey, I want to play a prank on the new assistant.

- You guys in or what? - Absolutely.

- No. I'm not a... - Come on.

- I'm not a prankster. - Timmy.

We're gonna make him feel welcome.

It'll be like he's part of the family and stuff.

The way you make someone feel like family

- is by doing something awful to them. - Exactly.

Okay, here's the plan. I'll buy the thumbtacks.

Stu, you look like a tape guy. You're on Scotch.

- You know it. - Tim, you buy the bag of hardcore porn.

- No. - Big bag, like shopping bag.

- I'll get the tape. - Nope, you're the porn guy.

- I'm the porn guy. - Yup.

When did I become this person?

Tim, I don't have time to argue.

Let's review what everyone's bringing.

- Stu? - Tape.

- Me? Tacks. Tim? - Paper clips.

- Nope. - Wrong.

- Huge bag of porn? - Exactly.

What a team.

Ah, beautiful day, huh?

I got to admit, I like getting up early.

That's right. Early is good.

You want coffee or muffin?

No, what I need is, um...

I need a lot of porn, actually.

I need a copy of "Juggs."

- Okay. - Copy of "Barely Legal."

- Oh. - Copy of "Big Boobs,"

"Big Tits," "Tits in Your Face."

- Whoa. - "Black Beauties,"

- "Asian Beauties." - Wow.

You have any gay stuff? Any "Inches"?

What's that? What's that one with the big cock on the cover?

Just give me five of those.

Wow, you horny at 6:00 A.M., huh?

A little bit. Just wrap it up.

Excuse me, do you have any cough syrup for children?

- No no no, wait your turn. - No, let her go.

- Okay, let's ring you up. - She can go in front of me.

So you got one copy of "Juggs."

- One "Barely Legal." - That's not mine.

"Asian Beauties," "Black Beauties."

That's not what I asked for. I asked for a blueberry muffin.

Oh. Well, I have...

- Know what? - What?

Just give me a copy of "Maxim" magazine

and some gum.

What happened? Not as horny as when you first walked in?

You guys got the contraband or what?

Scotch tape in the hizzy.

- Boom. - And here's the bag of porn.

- "Maxim"? - What is this?

It's got women in it. They're in bathing suits. That's pretty sexy.

"Maxim" makes "Playboy" look like "Knocked Up and Horny."

You know what? We're gonna have to dip into my private stash.

You have a private stash? That should have been plan "A."

Here's what I want you to do.

Tim, go get some porn from under my desk.

Then you guys tape the porn around the guy's cubicle...

on his screen, on his chair, on the floor, in his drawers and stuff.

Rodney, can I just ask what exactly you're doing?

- I'm on lookout. - Lookout?

- Yup. - That's not doing anything.

Lookout is the hardest part. It's like the danger zone.

The stuff that Kenny Loggins was talking about.

Know what, Rodney? I'm gonna be on lookout. I'm gonna put my foot down.

Uh, if you're feeling it, I'll go with it.

- I'm the lookout guy. - I want you to do me something.

If anyone comes I want you to shout out really loudly,

"Hey, Rodney! Put away the porn.

Someone is coming in your direction to bust you."

Then throw in a crow call or something.

- Ca-caw. - Exactly.

Stu, maybe you should take over.

- Wow, this group is a... - Dynamic force.

...well-oiled machine. - Yes.

It's like the movie "Inside Man."

It's a go? It's happening?

It's gonna be classic, dude, yes.

The guy's cubicle is covered

in tons of balls and asses and tits.

Rodney, you're like a porn Picasso.

- Thank you, my friend. - Can't wait to see it.

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.

- Who are you? - Well, my name's Keith.

I just started here and thought I'd say hi.

- You're the new guy? - Yeah.

I, uh... right out of Ohio State.

Yeah yeah yeah. And this cube here, this is where you sit?

This is home.

- Whoops. - Not good.

Abort mission. Stu is aborting the mission.

This prank has fallen apart, Rodney.

Hi, everyone.

Welcome back, Helen.

How did your bone marrow transplant surgery go?

Oh, honey, I just tell you,

- I'm happy to be alive. - Oh.

I got this nice gel cushion to sit on now.

But I'm just...

glad to be back at work in my old cubicle.

We're happy to have you, Helen.

- Oh no. - This is awful.

- Who'd do such a thing? - I think I'm gonna vomit.

My God, that man has a...

- Disgusting. - Helen, look away.

First the bone marrow transplant and now this.

Why does God hate me?

How do they do that?

Tim, go check the security camera.

We're gonna find the perverted

son of a bitch who did this.

Hmm.

Guess that clears me.

- Clears you? - Clears me, right?

Why on the name of the sweet baby Jesus

were you standing by the elevators with a duffle bag at 7:00 A.M.

Iooking around nervously for 25 to 35 minutes?

- I was just hanging out. - Oh.

Just hanging out by the elevators.

- Tim. - Yeah?

Brenda from accounting saw you.

She saw you at the store this morning in the process of purchasing

- an ungodly amount... - That was her?

No, that transaction never went through.

...of porn. - No, it never went through.

Tim, I'm gonna have to go ahead and call Helen in here.

- No no. - And you're gonna apologize.

- No, I don't want to talk to her. - Helen.

- You wanted to see me? - Oh, Helen.

Helen, Helen, Helen, you cripply old hobbler. Come on over here.

Helen, it appears as if it was

Timothy here

who was the responsible party for that awful prank.

Why would you do such a thing?

- Why? - Why?

I just thought in light of your recent surgery...

- Yes? ...it might lighten the mood a little

if you came back and found your cubicle

plastered with, you know,

penises and... and...

and boobs.

Just people screwing. I thought that would be funny.

It's so out of character for the office.

- Are you crazy or what? - It is funny.

You could've gotten me a welcome-back teddy bear.

- I didn't think of that. - Or a balloon.

- Balloon saying, "Welcome Back Helen." - A balloon?

Really simple stuff.

- Good idea. - Live and learn. Live and learn.

Let me make it up to you.

Is there anything I could possibly do at this point?

- You know, there is one thing. - Yeah?

In my condition, I'm so weak

I can't teach my Sunday school class.

- You want me to teach it? - Mmm-hmm.

That'd be great. I'd love that.

All right. That's wonderful. Thank you.

- All is forgiven. - Fantastic.

This is great. No hard feelings.

We're all friends again.

And certainly no pending sexual-harassment lawsuits.

Back to work.

- Timbo. - Oh, hey, Father.

Haven't seen you since the baptism.

- That's right. That was fun. - That was fun.

You remember you jerked off in the bathroom?

- I do. I remember. - That's right.

But, uh, this is your church? This is where you work now?

Oh no, it's not mine. It's God's.

Anyway, I'm just here part time.

Just a part-time priest.

Yeah, well, they want me to lay off the sermons

until my drinky drinky is under control.

- That makes sense. - When you start giving communion, Tim,

with shots of Jager, it's time to reel it in.

That's when you've got to reel it in.

That's when you know as a priest, reel it in.

All right, well, I guess I'll be in with the kids if you need me.

That sounds great. Let me know how that goes.

Hey, little guys. I'm Tim.

- Hey. - Hi.

Not a very warm welcome.

- What are you gonna read? - Yeah.

- What am I gonna read? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I guess the Bible, right? Where do you guys...

where do you keep those things?

Mrs. J. Brings the Bible.

- She brings it? - In her purse.

Seems like a key piece of information to leave out.