Ted Lasso

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

I can't believe I'm pregnant.

Congratulations.

- It's our first team baby. - How about that?

The only thing we care about is your health and happiness.

Well, this is a fucking disaster.

First game is on Saturday, and we are now down to zero strikers.

Yeah, well, at least it's a friendly.

What the heck?

There we go. Okay. Let's think about this.

Come on. Uh, all right.

- Alice, do you know anybody? - Yeah. But no.

Ooh, I'm intrigued. Go on.

Well, I played with this striker, Gemma, who would be great.

- Great! - But she quit a couple of years ago

- to study law. - I object.

Plus she'd never play for Richmond.

Oh, okay. Well, how about you give her a shout anyway.

See what's what, you know? It's worth a shot.

Fine, yeah, but we'd have better luck getting players off the street.

- Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. - Ooh.

Now that's an interesting idea.

- You're talking about open tryouts. - Oh, I was joking.

Maybe we'll find a janitor who's a mathematical genius.

Yeah. Or a, uh, coal miner's son who's a ballet prodigy.

Or a Susan Boyle.

Nice.

What's a Susan Boyle?

Is that what British folks call skin tags?

It's a...

I have to look up your references, you have to look up mine.

Fair, fair. Okay. Sounds like we're doing open tryouts.

I'll let Rebecca know.

- What... No... - Great idea, Coach.

Well, I... I-I was joking.

I-I was joking!

- Oh, Ted. - Yep.

What are you doing down there?

Oh, just reminding myself about the value of knocking.

- Oh. - Wait.

Is that the man, the myth, the Matthijs?

- Mmm! -

Captain, you are clear for landing a big old hug.

- Come here, man. - Oh!

- I warned you he lacks boundaries. - Oh, boy.

What brings you to AFC Richmond?

Well, I just landed and thought it would be fun

to come and have sex in Rebecca's office,

and then you crashed into the door.

- Oh, yeah. - I warned you he was blunt.

Oh, I love blunt people.

They're like those maps at shopping malls. You always know exactly where you stand.

Right, Ted. What do you need?

Oh, yeah. We're down a couple of players, so we'd love to have open tryouts.

Just hoping to find some undiscovered talent.

- Oh, like a Susan Boyle. - What the...

Open tryouts? That seems a bit silly.

Well, it was Coach Chilton's idea.

And I love it. Let's do it.

- Okay. Yeah, absolutely. - Thank you so much.

- Matthijs. I didn't know you were coming. - Hello.

No one will be at this rate.

Keeley, what do you need?

I want everything to be perfect for the match this Saturday.

- Yep. - So I'm thinking rally towels

- like they do in the US. - Ooh.

Yeah, imagine the fans waving red and blue towels in celebration.

- Oh, it's priceless. - How priceless?

- £4,000. - No.

Well, I may have purchased them with my own money,

hoping you would say yes.

Right, you know the old saying, "It's the hope that has you down £4,000"?

- No. - Nope.

Who's excited for the shareholders' meeting tonight?

- No. Right, we're done. - Oh. Okay.

- Thank you so much. Bye-bye. - Okay.

- Good to see you, Matthijs. - Yeah, nice to meet ya, Matthijs.

- Ground control to Major Hunk. - Oh, shut up.

- -

Good evening, and welcome

to the first AFC Richmond Shareholders' Meeting of the season.

- - Welcome back.

Great to see you all again, especially the Milk sisters.

Where would we be without you?

Starting us off is our Richmond men's coach

to give us an in-depth peek at the team. Roy Kent.

- - He's here! He's here!

- - Roy Kent! Roy Kent!

Two wins, one loss, played like shit in all of them.

We'll see what fucking happens.

Ooh!

Concise as always.

- Any questions for Coach Kent? -

You. Fucking Marty McFly.

Uh, yeah, Roy. I was just wondering...

What did you fucking call me?

Uh, sorry, uh, Coach Kent.

What?

Uh, your contract ends this season.

Have you given any thought about your future at Richmond?

Have I given it any thought?

Yeah.

Have you given any thought about the fact that it's none of your fucking business?

Anyone else?

Great.

Uh, okay. I guess that's all.

And now for the first time in Richmond football history,

we will be discussing the Richmond women's team.

Uh... Where-where are you going, Ed?

We-We're not done yet.

- Hello, hello? Yeah, is this mic on? - Oi.

Sit down!

Thank you.

Up first, we have our Chief Marketing Officer,

- Keeley Jones. -

- Thank you. -

Hello, Richmond.

This has been three years in the making, and we are finally here.

The Lady Greyhounds.

- -

And we are going to be kicking things off this Saturday

with a friendly against Hayes and Yeading.

Who fucking cares?

Shut it.

I care.

And I'm sure that a lot of you in this room do too,

which is why I would like you to be the first to know

our sponsor for the men's team, Pinter & Sons,

is also sponsoring the women's team this year.

- Won't be around past a year. -

I disagree. I actually think with your support

that this could be the beginning of an amazing legacy.

That's not what the report said.

Report? I'm sorry, I don't know... What report?

The one that's going around online.

Clearly you're not on the Richmond subreddit.

I'm not, no.

And, um, I assure you,

no one on this stage knows anything about a report.

Then why does it have his name on it?

- - Uh.

Um, yes, that one.

I haven't had the time to read it through line by line yet.

This is amateur. We're trying to take the men's team to the Champions League.

- What are we wasting money on this for? -

The ladies' league is exactly why Jamie Tartt left.

Richmond women deserve to be here.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Right. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- - Susan Boyle!

- Huh? - You slept through our dinner plans.

What?

Mattie, I'm so sorry.

I can't get anything right tonight.

Oh, it's okay. I made a new reservation for an early dinner tomorrow.

- Oh, that's nice. - And I had to

'cause the waiter doesn't think you exist.

Which is actually better than the truth that I got stood up by my girlfriend.

My real girlfriend.

Sorry.

But don't worry, I'll make it up to you.

- Wait, I'm the one that fucked up. - Oh, I know.

But I'll make it up to you.

Ugh, this is impossible. I can't get it!

I got you, bud.

Okay, here we go. Here, turn and face me.

I'm gonna be your mirror. Okay? Here, pop that up first. Like that.

Why do we have to wear uniforms anyways?

Well, wearing a uniform can help create a sense of community and pride,

like you're a part of something bigger than yourself.

It's the same reason why teams wear uniforms, right, yeah?

And I think the other part is that it, uh,

helps y'all kids not focus on things like social status

and, uh, appearances and whatnot.

But then how do uniforms cancel out stuff like, uh,

height and bone structure and generational wealth?

Mm-hmm. No, I hear what you're saying. It's a good question,

but, you know, if you're gonna start pulling that string,

heck, they also stifle creativity, self-expression and individuality.

- Hmm. - But y'all do look so darn cute.

Stop slowing down. My knee's fine.

I know it bugs you in the morning.

I told you my friend's a specialist. She'll see you whenever you want.

Both of you leave me alone.

You should be worrying about your first day

and why you're dressed like that.

Who's your principal? Elton John?

It's Sir Elton John.

And I did this myself.

It's called pizzazz, Uncle Roy.

And considering your wardrobe, you could use some.

It's called minimalism, Phoebe.