Some Like It Hot

All right, Charlie.

- That the joint? - Yes, sir.

- Who runs it? - I already told you.

- Refresh my memory. - Spats Colombo.

That's very refreshing. What's the password?

"I come to Grandma's funeral."

- Here's your admission card. - Thanks, Charlie.

Now, if you want a ringside table, just tell 'em that you're one of the pallbearers.

- Okay, Charlie. - We're all set. When's the kickoff?

Look, Chief, I better blow, 'cause if Colombo sees me, it's gonna be good-bye, Charlie.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Give me five minutes. Then hit 'em with everything you got.

You betcha.

Good evening, sir. I'm Mr. Mozarella.

- What can I do for you? - I come to the old lady's funeral.

I don't believe I've ever seen you at our services before.

- That's because I've been on the wagon. - Please!

Where they having the wake? I'm supposed to be one of the pallbearers.

Show the gentleman into the chapel. Pew number three.

Yes, Mr. Mozarella. This way, sir.

Well, if you gotta go, that's the way to do it.

Follow me, please.

- What'll it be, sir? - Booze.

- Sorry, sir, we only serve coffee. - Coffee?

Scotch coffee, Canadian coffee, sour mash coffee.

Scotch. Make it a demitasse, with soda on the side.

Wait a minute.

Haven't you got another pew, not so close to the band?

How about that one over there?

Sorry, sir, but that's reserved for members of the immediate family.

Oops.

Hey! Hey! I want another cup of coffee!

I want another cup of coffee!

Better bring a check in case the joint is raided.

- Who's gonna raid a funeral? - Some people got no respect for the dead.

Say, Joe, tonight's the night, isn't it?

- I'll say. - What? No, tonight's the night we get paid.

- That's good. - Why?

I lost a filling in one of my back teeth.

- I gotta see a dentist tomorrow. - Dentist?

We been out of work for four months, you want to blow your first week's pay on your teeth?

What? It's just a filling. It doesn't have to be gold.

"It doesn't have to be gold." How can you be so selfish?

We owe back rent. We're in for $89 to Moe's Delicatessen.

Three Chinese lawyers are suing us because our check bounced at the laundry.

We've borrowed money from every girl in the line.

- You're right. - Well, of course I'm right.

First thing tomorrow, we'll pay everybody a little somethin' on account.

- Oh, no, we don't. - We don't?

First thing tomorrow we go out to the dog track and put the whole bundle on Greased Lightning.

Greased Lightning? You're gonna bet my money on a dog?

He's a shoo-in. I got it from Max the waiter.

His brother-in-law is the electrician that wires the rabbit.

- What are you giving me with a rabbit! - Look at the odds. He's ten-to-one.

- Tomorrow, we'll pay everybody. - Suppose he loses.

What are you worried about? This job is gonna last a long time.

Suppose it doesn't.

Jerry boy, why do you have to paint everything so black?

- Oh! - Suppose you got hit by a truck.

Suppose the stock market crashes.

Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks.

Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn.

- Joe. - Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.

Well, don't look now, but the whole town is under water.

Four...

three...

two...

one.

Oh! Oh!

All right, everybody! This is a raid.

I'm a federal agent! You're all under arrest!

I want another cup of coffee!

All right, Spats. Services are over.

- Let's go. - Go where?

A little country club we run for retired bootleggers.

I'm puttin' your name up for membership.

- I don't join nothin'. - Oh, you'll like it there.

I'll get the prison tailor to fit you with a pair of special spats, striped.

Big joke. What's the rap this time?

Embalming people with coffee...

86 proof.

Me? I'm just a customer here.

Oh, come on, Spats.

We know you own the joint. Mozarella's just frontin' for you.

Mozarella?

- Never heard of him. - We got different information.

From who? Toothpick Charlie, maybe?

Toothpick Charlie? Never heard of him.

Buttermilk.

Too smart to drink your own stuff, huh?

Come on. On your feet.

You're just wastin' the taxpayers' money.

Call your lawyer if you wanna.

These are my lawyers.

All Harvard men.

Outside.

I want another cup of coffee!

I want another cup of coffee!

Get over there!

Get over there, will ya!

Get goin'. Come on!

Well, that solves one problem.

Now we don't have to worry about who we're gonna pay first.

- Quiet. I'm thinking. - Of course the landlady's gonna lock us out.

Moe down at the delicatessen, no more knockwurst on credit.

We can't borrow from the girls because they're on the way to jail.

- Shut up. - And we're...

I wonder how much Sam the bookie will give us for our overcoats.

Sam the bookie?

Nothing doing! You're not gonna put my overcoat on a dog. Oh, you...

Look, Jerry, I told you it's a sure thing.

We will freeze.

It is below zero. We'll get pneumonia.

Look, stupid, he's ten-to-one. Tomorrow, we'll have 20 overcoats.

Joe...

Greased Lightning!

Oh, why do I listen to you? I oughta have my head examined.

I thought you weren't talking to me.

Look at the bull fiddle! It's dressed warmer than I am!

- Anything today? - Nothing.

Thank you.

Anything today?

- Nothing. - Thank you.

I can't go on, Joe.

I'm weak from hunger, I'm running a fever, I got a hole in my shoe.

If you gave me a chance, we could be living like kings.

- Oh? How? - There's a dog running in the third.

- His name is Galloping Ghost. - Oh, no.

Oh, yes. He's 15-to-1, and it's his kind of a track. He's a real mudder.

What do you want from me, my head on a plate?

No, just your bass. If we hocked that and my sax, we could get at least...

Are you out of your mind? We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle.

All right, go ahead and starve. What do I care? Freeze!

Anything today?

Oh, it's you.

- Well, you got a lot of nerve. - Thank you.

Joe! Come back here!

Mm-hmm.

Now, Nellie baby, if it's about Saturday night, I can explain everything.

What a heel.

I spend four dollars to get my hair marcelled, I buy me a brand-new negligee,

I bake him a great big pizza pie, and where were you?

Where were you?

- With you. - Me?

Don't you remember? You had this bad tooth.

It was all impacted, and his jaw was all swole out.

It was? Oh, yeah, was it ever.

I had to take him to the hospital and give him a blood transfusion. Right?

- Right. We have the same type blood. - Type "O."

- "O"? - Oh?

Nellie baby, I'll make it up to you.

You're makin' it up pretty good so far.

As soon as we get a job, I'm gonna take you to the swellest restaurant in town.

How about it, Nellie?

Has Poliakoff got anything for us? We're desperate.

Well, it just so happens he is looking for a bass.

And a sax.

Right?

Right.

- What's the job? - Three weeks in Florida.

- Florida! - At the Seminole-Ritz in Miami.

Transportation and expenses all paid.

Isn't she a bit of terrific?

- Come on. Let's see Poliakoff. - Yeah.

Hold on. He's got some people in there with him.

- You'll have to wait, boys. - All right, we'll wait.

Look, Gladys, it's three weeks in Florida.

Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators.

They need a couple of girls on sax and bass.

What do you mean, "Who is it?" It's Poliakoff. I got a job for you.

Gladys, are you there?

Gladys!

Meshuggener.

Played 112 hours at a marathon dance.

- Now she's in bed with a nervous collapse. - Tell her to move over.

What about Cora Jackson?

The last I heard of her, she was playing with a "Salivation" Army act.

Drexel-9044.

Oh, those idiot broads.

Here we are, already packed, ready to leave for Miami.

And what happens?

The saxophone runs off with a Bible salesman,

and the bass fiddle gets herself pregnant.

Bienstock, I oughta fire you!

Me? I'm the manager of the band, not the night watchman.

Hello. Let me talk to Bessie Malone.

What's she doing in Philadelphia?

On the level?

Bessie let her hair grow. Now she's playing with Stokowski.

Black Bottom Bessie?

Spielt sich mit der Philharmonie!

How about Rosemary Schultz?

She slashed her wrists when Valentino died.

Well, we might as well all slash our wrists unless we round up two dames by this evening.

Look, Sig, you know the kind of girls we need.

We don't care where you find them. Just get them on that train by eight o'clock.

Be nonchalant. Trust Poliakoff.

The moment anything turns up, I'll give you a little jingle.

Bye, Sig. I wonder if I got room for another ulcer.

Nellie, get me long distance.