Death Valley

Don't lose her!

Don't just stand there, follow them!

Get down!

Down!

Freeze! - Freeze!

Hey, did you see they had Chaco Tacos back there?

Hell, yeah.

Want to get some? - Yeah.

Anybody want a Chaco Taco?

Not this guy.

Anybody else want a Chaco Taco?

It's like a Taco of ice cream. It's good.

One year ago ... - Vampires, werewolves & zombies ... and zombies ...

Descended upon California's San Fernando Valley ...

Authorities remain baffled by their origins...

Death Valley -- Season 1 Episode 1 "Pilot"

Anybody knows what tonight is?

Do not tell me it's the season finale of Glee.

I ing hate that show! Yes, Carla.

One year anniversary of the first zombie sighting, Captain.

That's exactly right, Carla.

Here, you've got a little Captain ass on your nose.

One year ago today, zombies began besmirching our fine community.

Sorry, sir. Sorry.

That's right.

I said, besmirching.

And, with the zombies came vampires and werewolves

and my personal promise that I would not rest until

we had eradicated this problem completely.

Uh, Captain, I thought you said we were to contain the problem.

Now you tell me, are you satisfied containing the problem?

Because if you are, the door is right there.

It says "Contain" right there over your head.

CAPTURE - CONTAIN - KILL

Can I move on, please? Thanks you,

where's your partner? Had a couple of Chaco Tacos.

Uh, he's in the, a, can, sir.

He had himself a couple Chaco Tacos.

I always tell him he's lactose intolerant, but he doesn't listen to me ...

Do you understand me?

We're picking up chatter on the 'vamps' are definitely up to something.

And, I for one am taking no chances.

So, ... let's be vigilant. Let's stick together.

And, let's make sure these nice people from Channel 5

get home in one piece with their story.

Right.

Thank you, thank you, Captain. My name is Rodney...

I've got some tips that will you sound better on TV ...

Well, I have a tip for you,too, Rodney.

All right, little more a tip, you know what I mean.

I can show a man what it is to be a woman.

Final piece of business!

We got a new addition to our unit,

Officer Landrey. Kristen stand up, would ya. for a moment.

Hi everyone.

Now, she is a rookie, but I'm sure she's no stranger to zombies.

Actually, I have never seen one ...

in person.

That's all right.

Take you about two hours around here pop your cherry, huh.

Just speaking metaphorically, of course.

I don't mean to suggest that you are a virgin.

Then, again, I mean to suggest that you are not a virgin.

Any more questions?

Great!

Let's get out there and kill something!

So, if there's monsters in the valley, why don't people just move out?

Because that's were they live, man.

I live in the valley. in Malibu sometimes ...

Now, you want to buy me a crib up on Malibu

overlooking the ocean with a barbecue pit, you go right ahead.

I sure as hell won't stop you.

Yeah, I could see you fit in there.

Yeah, yeah, I can picture that, you know.

You living in a beach house, drinking Marguerita's, Mel Gibson ...

No, not Mel Gibson.

So, what's, a, going on tonight?

We're staking out this motel vampire prostitution.

Blood for sex is a big problem in the valley.

Lot of desperate guys, no cash, willing to

do whatever it takes to get a little action.

That's right. -Take those off, it's nighttime.

Whatever, dude. - Come on.

What was I saying? - Zombies, Vampires.

I don't talk like that. - Whatever.

I don't.

Zombies, ... vampires ...

I know lot of guys would cut and run, but not me.

Want to know why? - Why?

Is that your family? - Damn right!

I'll risk it all for them. I'm proud to.

Do you know why I do it? - Do I have to?

I do it for them. - Nice.

Let me see that. I said, I do this for my family.

I've had this JPEG so long, it's like my family.

Technically, I guess, that makes it incest. is another adult.

Oh, stop it, come on, grow up. Stop it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Here we go. A fish has taken the bait.

What fish? - A fish is taking ...

Jesus Christ, Billy, a man is going in with a prostitute.

Oh! Come on, let's go - o - o - o.

What are you doing?

I'm going to take some pictures. - Oh, stop it, put that away.

Come on ... - Don't ...

All right, let me get my gun. - Give me a good one.

A little pissed. Yeah, yeah, right there.

Got it.

All right, everybody hands in the air!

Your hands are really cold.

All right, everybody hands in the air!

That means you vampire tits.

Seriously, vampire tits. Be a professional.

I wasn't doing anything. 're still talking about.

Sofia, how many times are we going to do this?

Come on, Stubeck, just leave a working girl alone.

You weren't working. You were humping this guy for blood. take his blood.

Am I right?

What are you doing?

Stop talking to them.

I'm sorry, I don't speak vampire. - It's Spanish, you idiot.

Relax. Come on, Sophia, you know the drill. Hands behind your back.

Hands behind your back.

This isn't what it looks like. I thought she was just a human prostitute.

"... a human prostitute". Think you're sitting on a farm?

What, are we in a cow pasture

because I smell bull . - Go check the back.

I'm going to go check the back. just follow a warrant.

I just told you to do that. You're following an order, right now.

Hey, if I don't get to have sex, then, can I get my blood back.

because I'm feeling kind of a little faint.

Shut up.

Smells like a cats balls in here.

Oh, my God! - Die, pig.

Shut up!

Dude, this is like a $500 boom. Come on ...

Shut up!

You know what they say about boom poles, don't you?

You never hear 'em coming.

That was actually a pretty good one. - Fing A!

And then you ruin it.

How are you handling everything we threw at you so far?

Oh, I've been sitting at my desk for four hours.

I know that.

I've been watching you.

Not continually, of course, I've been catching up on some paperwork.

It's actually a small fraction of what I do.

I'm out on the beat, quite a bit, as it were.

I would love to be out on the beat.

All in good time, Kristen, in time.

It, It's actually, um, it's pronounced Kirstan.

What did I say? - Kristen.

Say it your way. - Kirsten.

Okay, I'm going to be honest, I'm going to have a little trouble with that.

But, anyway ... "Girsten"

Let me explain something to you.

Valley of Los Angeles is a long way away from Kansas.

I'm not from Kansas, I'm from Carefree, Arizona.

Careree Arizona!

Well, we are care-free! What did you do in Carefree?

You don't look like a golfer. - Actually, I'm a 14 handicap. a 14 handicap.

Means nothing to a zombie. with a golf club to kill?

Are you going to kill a zombie with a golf club?

Well, ... Yeah!

You want to destroy the brain, right?

That's exactly right.

Shoot them through the eyes, run them over with a truck,

crush his head in with a crowbar.

How is a crowbar different from a golf club?

You ever try to get out of the sand with a crowbar?

Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite prostitute.

I'm kidding, I don't have a favorite prostitute.

Not in this country anyway.

Caught our friend here draining the red vein, Captain.